Sister 'stealing' tattoo idea

[Sillyjelly]

Hello all,

I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here.

Our DF died nearly 10 years ago when we were in our early 20s and since then I've wanted to have a memorial tattoo. I soon decided on an animal from a particular group that was his favourite, which is also my favourite and something I built my career around (conservation and monitoring of this particular species). I feel a real connection with my father through this. I have dithered over design and placement and haven't had much spare cash so have not done it yet.

My DSis recently announced that she is getting that particular animal as a tattoo. I am very upset by this as I'd then have to either not have it, or have the same tattoo as her. It makes it feel less special somehow and already the idea of it has tainted it.

She also wants it as a memorial for him, however she has no connection to this animal and the only reason she knows it was his favourite is because I told her that's why I wanted it, I only know it was his favourite as when I first started working with them, after his death, my mother told me and was pleased I was working with them. She has taken is as gospel that this is now symbolic of him, but this is simply because I have said it. It is also a very beautiful animal. I bitterly regret telling her what I wanted but never imagined she would do this.

When she first told me I did say, in surprise, that that was 'my' tattoo idea, but she said I had 'sat on it' for too long so she would do it. It's not been raised since then as I don't trust myself not to get upset.

Am I being unreasonable to ask her seriously not to do it? I don't want to create anything nasty or emotional, I want her to just quietly let it go and think of her own idea. I tried to think of some for her but haven't thought of anything she likes.

I don't want to get mine before knowing if she will definitely get hers. It came out of the blue that she mentioned it.

I do have a design and artist in mind now - I just didn't for a long time

I don't think YABU. Grief is a painful and touchy emotion for everyone, and everyone reacts differently. I completely understand why you feel, in your circumstances and given the back story, why you feel your sister is stepping on your toes a bit. It doesn't necessarily mean she is, but I understand why you feel that way. I also disagree with posters saying it's the same as reserving a future baby name. This situation, and it's meaning to you, isn't hypothetical or inconsequential.

IMO I don't think it's nice of your sister at all to know you've planned to do this particular, specific gesture in memoriam for your dad and decide to do it herself, especially since she never would have done it without you specifically saying it's something you wanted to do, but I see from the thread and understand that's open to interpretation, as she is his daughter too.

If I were you, I would simply carry on with your plans. You know in your heart that it is a special connection you had with your father, and anyone else, even your sister, having a tattoo of the same bird won't change or negate that. Collaborate with a tattoo artist to design a beautiful, unique design, and get it exactly where you want it. Even though it feels like it may be less special due to your sister's actions, because they have hurt you, you will be glad when you do it - focus and remember the reasons you and don't mind anyone else.

My dad is also a birdwatcher, he is getting on and in poor health, your post has really resonated with me. I'm sorry for your loss

Let her get hers first and then you can ensure that yours is in a different place, and looks different nicer.

GoodDayToYou

That made me laugh as I did consider saying exactly that! It does kind of sum up how I feel about it, so thank you for understanding

I really do think it would be better for you practically and emotionally to stop focusing on what your sister is doing though, it's just going to fuel a rift. You planned to do it, she knows you planned to do it, just do it in your own time without considering her actions.

Sorry hadn't read all of your posts on the thread. Glad to know there's no drama, but it might cause internal resentment on your part if you base your own decisions on what she does, is all I meant :)

AllTheGlitters

Thank you so much for your post

AllTheGlitters

Sorry, lots of cross posting, I mean your first post (subsequent posts also nice )

Hahah, you're welcome

I can see why this is annoying and upsetting you see it as you are both tributing your dad rather than her copying you it won't grate on you so much don't talk about it anymore just go ahead and get it done. My exfriend got the tattoo iwanted for my 30th birthday she showed me it on a weekend away I was so annoyed I never got mine in the end

I'm astonished how many people think YABU, OP. I think it's terrible behaviour on the part of your sister. Like pissing all over a small but important piece of very personal territory. She had no need to do it, but is doing it anyway. I haven't got any advice, though, other than explaining how you feel and appealing to her better nature, which it sounds like you've already tried. Does she really understand how upset you are? Would putting it in writing help (email, maybe, so as not to be too dramatic)? You've explained yourself very articulately here, so maybe a heartfelt explanation and plea that she could reread and think about would wake her up to how she's making you feel. Even if the topic is never raised again, it might stop her in her tracks and ensure she doesn't go ahead with her plan.

Just a suggestion OP, have you considered commissioning a painting of said creature ?
You would be able to look at it all of the time, also it could possibly become a family heirloom.
P.S. Don't tell your Sis 😂

Could you come at it the other way, and say "Sis I know you are planning this tattoo but arctic terns are my thing and I love working with them. I'm going to get the tattoo soon. Please can you pick something else?" It leaves out the middle ground of your Dad. I know my sister would respect that. After all she can get another bird that he enjoyed.

Did you post about your sister a couple of years ago, OP? The reason I ask is I remembered someone working in conservation who travelled alot and whose sister copied everything they did and it was driving them mad? Anyway, FWIW I think she was being unreasonable. But if you have a sister who copies you all the time, she was probably always going to do this, sooner or later.

You could still have the tattoo done. But you could also remember your father in a different, special private way.

Wait til she gets hers. Then get a much better one .

I've never posted about her before, I'm totally at peace with her copying me usually, despite how I may appear on this thread I'm not a precious person!

I don't think you are unreasonable, and I completely understand your reasoning. I do also think you are getting a bit of a hard time on here.

I don't really have any great advice though, maybe just sit down and talk with your sister and tell her you know you might be acting a bit silly over this (happens to the best of us), explain why you want the tattoo, why it's special to you and your dad's memory, ask her if she would give you this one. Maybe talk to her about her favourite memory of dad and help her come up with another idea for a tattoo that is special to him and her. Just talk to her, hopefully if she sees how important this is to you then she won't go ahead with it.

It could have been nice to pay tribute to your DF together but that's not how she approached it. Because you waited too long to get the tattoo she's taking it? What a childish way to put it! I'd explain, maybe in writing to avoid getting emotional, that you have planned this for years and it has particular personal significance given your career and ask her to get something else. But bear in mind she might not listen. I would go ahead with your plans to get the tattoo regardless of her response, it will look different as it will be done by a different artist and it will have a different meaning to you because of the connection to your work. Maybe think if there is another element you can incorporate into the tattoo to make it more personal to you (and don't tell your Dsis about it!) IMO you would really regret giving up something you've wanted so long because of her interference.

YAB a bit U but so is your sister.

I personally think you should simply carry through your plans ignoring her statement of intent. She may not follow through and, given how personalised all tattoos are, I can't see it being more than a passing resemblance at worst.

You should do what you want and leave her to her own devices.

You will have to practice your 'oh how lovely' for when she turns up with some random scruffy 'seagull' emblazoned on her skin though

I don't think YABU. I also worry that now that this has happened, the tattoo will remind you of your difficult feelings now, rather than of your DF.

I would agree with thinking about getting a pendant or other piece of jewellery made, or a painting, or the tattoo design on paper (no idea if tattoo artists do that).

Really about the ten years thing. Losing a parent (and I haven't yet, so I don't know) doesn't seem like something that a decade here or there would change. I don't think it's surprising that it is in the year after losing your mother that you want to make the memorial to your father more physical.

Would it not be better to make a donation in his memory to a charity involving these animals than saddling yourself with a permanent tattoo which when you're older will look ridiculous on you? Maybe it's just me but no-one looking at it will care why you got it and ten years is a long time to think about it.

I just looked up arctic terns. Gonna be a kinda difficult bird to do, tbh. White body which may look indistinct, with a black cap which may look too dark.

Have you thought about dotwork to balance the two colours in a soft way?

On the plus side (ish), if anything happens to you, her tattoo will become a nice memorial to your dad and you!

PS I would tell her that too.