Sister 'stealing' tattoo idea

[Sillyjelly]

Hello all,

I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here.

Our DF died nearly 10 years ago when we were in our early 20s and since then I've wanted to have a memorial tattoo. I soon decided on an animal from a particular group that was his favourite, which is also my favourite and something I built my career around (conservation and monitoring of this particular species). I feel a real connection with my father through this. I have dithered over design and placement and haven't had much spare cash so have not done it yet.

My DSis recently announced that she is getting that particular animal as a tattoo. I am very upset by this as I'd then have to either not have it, or have the same tattoo as her. It makes it feel less special somehow and already the idea of it has tainted it.

She also wants it as a memorial for him, however she has no connection to this animal and the only reason she knows it was his favourite is because I told her that's why I wanted it, I only know it was his favourite as when I first started working with them, after his death, my mother told me and was pleased I was working with them. She has taken is as gospel that this is now symbolic of him, but this is simply because I have said it. It is also a very beautiful animal. I bitterly regret telling her what I wanted but never imagined she would do this.

When she first told me I did say, in surprise, that that was 'my' tattoo idea, but she said I had 'sat on it' for too long so she would do it. It's not been raised since then as I don't trust myself not to get upset.

Am I being unreasonable to ask her seriously not to do it? I don't want to create anything nasty or emotional, I want her to just quietly let it go and think of her own idea. I tried to think of some for her but haven't thought of anything she likes.

I think having the tattoos done together and embracing the remembrance of it together sounds like a lovely idea.

Does your sister know just how upset you are about this? Because if you are struggling to let it go, then it might be best to tell her how much this has upset you. Of course, if she then said she'd choose something else, you'd have to get on with it and get it done.

And as for her giving it five minutes thought and rushing into it, at least if she does it then she's actually put her money where her mouth is, which is more than you seem to be doing. There's an awful lot of talk and no action from where I'm sitting.

You,sound even more unreasonable now. Sorry.

You sound like you have issues with your sister and that you don't want to share the memory of your dad with her.

It's been 10years. Time to, as they say, Shit or get off the pot.

Meh, he never mentioned arctic terns. If you'd said seagulls maybe mum would have said those were his favourites. Arctic terns were not associated with your dad when he was alive so it does seem weird to have a "memorial" tattoo of something he never mentioned. I can see you work with them so they are important to you, so get terns tattoos as much as you like, but I think the connection to your dad is tenuous. Can't you find a genuine connection?

Tattoos really aren't that expensive. Surely in 10 years you could've gotten the money together? If not, it's not your sister's problem. You might dither forever, as far as she's concerned. Why shouldn't she do it?

Mouldy articulated what I want to say.

Those were your dads favourites sounds like a platitude. A throw away comment to give you a boost in a new job.

The whole thing about not knowing if people like a certain subspecies doesn't really hold up.

I know my friend likes spiders > tarantulas > the zebra tarantula.

I know my mum likes big cats > tigers > siberian tigers.

I know my brother likes canines > dogs > borzoi.

I know my other brother likes birds > parrots > blue macaws.

So yes, you can know the specific animal and species and sub species etc. You'll just have to let it go - she might not even get it, just like you didn't for 10 years. Its alright you telling her not to get something ''pretty'' but it will be on her body forever so she will want something that looks nice - birds are a very common tattoo like humming birds or swallows.

I think you're just upset because you thought you knew this thing about him that no one else did and now your sister also knows. Why don't you get the thing that's not ''pretty'' that you suggested?

A different tattoo artist and it'll be a different tattoo. If she's getting hers done first then you know not to to go to that specific artist and yu can make it your own. Having the same animal as a tattoo could be like a tribe marking for you and your sister - you could choose to view this positively.

Op I can understand while you feel ownership of such a specific breed since you work with them. But your sister has already had a tattoo for your mother and she's probably feeling as though she owes it to your father to get one for him now.
I would agree with her that you've sat on it for too long so now it's open for others to take. Tattoos are expensive but not so much that you couldn't have had it done in 10 years if it was so important.
I don't want to sound harsh because I could see how it's upsetting for you. Don't fall out with your sister over this.

I've just done this search and the variety of images is huge.

I don't think, from what I've written here, that you can say they weren't his favourite. (Also, there's no such thing as a seagull :P)

They just were, I'm not going to prove it to you, and frankly it doesn't matter. We spent every Easter and summer holiday visiting the Farne Isles to see all the seabirds (including Arctic terns) for over a decade. So I know he loved them at least as much as he loved Gannets or Kittiwakes or other birds to be found there- even that would have been enough for me to choose that tattoo. He didn't 'never mention' them, he talked about them a lot. He just never said 'this is my favourite seabird' outright. He did make it his 'thing' like people do with animals.

didn't* make it his thing

OP I'm afraid you're drip-feeding now. This is turning into one of those threads where OP asks AIBU, there's almost a unanimous yes and OP still insists she's not. Why ask if you weren't prepared to listen?

I do agree with Mouldy. My dad has a animal love, and you couldn't miss it.
Bit of a fluke that you happen to start working with the exact unusual creature that was also his favourite, that he never mentioned. And if your dm mentioned it to you, there's a good chance she mentioned it to your dsis.
Or if it was his great passion, then maybe he did talk about it to your dsis, making it a bond between them.

If it upsets you that much then go for something else that you bonded with your df over. If you do go for it, most people will assume it was because of your work anyway.

I'm certainly not going to fall out with my sister over a tattoo, she's very special to me and I'm not a twat!

I was hoping somebody could advise a way to speak to her gently where she decides on something else without her being upset that I don't want her to have it. Seems like the consensus is it would be unreasonable to do that, so I'll take the advice and leave it.

Thank you for input all.

There you are then! He loved many other sea birds just as much! So you could pick any of the seabirds you watched and loved together.

I've several times said I will leave it. I accept I am unreasonable

I wanted to explain the animal thing as people strangely didn't want to believe it was how I said it was. I didn't mean to drip feed, I didn't expect that bit to be interrogated.

I get it. I'm unreasonable and will congratulate her and be complimentary when she gets her tattoo.

OP, if you're a regular you should know if you post on here you'll be interrogated on everything 😀

Good call, OP. Was gonna say, if she's already had the tattoo for your DM, as often happens with tattoos, she's keen to do the next one, whereas it feels like you're more at the stage where it's all 'one day' which to anyone else might sound like never, so I can't blame her nor think she should be dissuaded. If you get around to it, I'm sure your own tattoo(s) will be special and unique to you.

You and your sister will both have suffered from losing your dad in your twenties. You can’t fully understand your sister's personal journey (nor she yours), or how she perceives you and your journey. She might feel intimidated by you for instance, in which case she may not mention the tattoo again, which in itself would be rather sad. It sounds as though this problem is an echo of sibling rivalry.

Be glad you have a sister. It’s lovely she also wants a tattoo to remember your dad by and of course different tattooists will do different jobs. I suspect your dad would hate to think you and your sister are falling out over your personal memorials to him. Think of it from his perspective and it’s actually a bit heartbreaking. I imagine he loved both of you.

I think you should tell your sister kindly that whatever she wants to do is fine with you. It may lead to a useful conversation. and possibly a compromise, but either way you already have the best possible memorial to your dad – your life and the way you have chosen to live it!

And if two sisters end up with their dad’s favourite animal tattooed as a celebration of their love for him, how wonderful is that?

I don't think you're BU. Could you talk to your sister about it? I think I would be tempted to tell her that you're curious as to why she wants to honour your relationship with your dad on her body? (Years of 'being copied' experience talking here.) She might tell you that she actually also has fond memories or whatever too, in which case you might have to suck it up.

Sorry, X post.

You do seem upset OP, but I'm glad that you have decided to let this go.

One of the most mystifying things about this thread though, is that if you want the tattoo you could go out and get yours done first - but that hasn't even been mentioned. Just how can you persuade your sister to change her mind.

I suspect that although you think you always action your plans, others disagree with this view. Going forward, you'll know to either not mention them or in the words of a sportswear manufacturer just do it.

I hope you find a lovely memorial to you and your father.

I'd like to clarify that we are in no way falling out over anything!

If my dad thought my sister and I were falling out over tattoos he would think we were a pair of absolute plums! This is not in our nature.

She doesn't even know I'm upset. We have a very good and close relationship.

Thanks

she pinched your idea and that's annoying. But you know what? Let her go ahead and do it first. Then you choose a fine artist to do it in a style you love and place it where you would most admire it.

It'll be a totally different result