Sister 'stealing' tattoo idea

[Sillyjelly]

Hello all,

I genuinely don't know if I'm being unreasonable here.

Our DF died nearly 10 years ago when we were in our early 20s and since then I've wanted to have a memorial tattoo. I soon decided on an animal from a particular group that was his favourite, which is also my favourite and something I built my career around (conservation and monitoring of this particular species). I feel a real connection with my father through this. I have dithered over design and placement and haven't had much spare cash so have not done it yet.

My DSis recently announced that she is getting that particular animal as a tattoo. I am very upset by this as I'd then have to either not have it, or have the same tattoo as her. It makes it feel less special somehow and already the idea of it has tainted it.

She also wants it as a memorial for him, however she has no connection to this animal and the only reason she knows it was his favourite is because I told her that's why I wanted it, I only know it was his favourite as when I first started working with them, after his death, my mother told me and was pleased I was working with them. She has taken is as gospel that this is now symbolic of him, but this is simply because I have said it. It is also a very beautiful animal. I bitterly regret telling her what I wanted but never imagined she would do this.

When she first told me I did say, in surprise, that that was 'my' tattoo idea, but she said I had 'sat on it' for too long so she would do it. It's not been raised since then as I don't trust myself not to get upset.

Am I being unreasonable to ask her seriously not to do it? I don't want to create anything nasty or emotional, I want her to just quietly let it go and think of her own idea. I tried to think of some for her but haven't thought of anything she likes.

Yours will be different. Even if she has picked the same animal the design will be so different if done by another artist. Your sister having a tattoo in the same theme won't make yours less special.

Could you think of something to commemorate your mum and dad together? That might be special as they jointly made you so to acknowledge their relationship to you and each other might be nice.

I think it's quite nice that you have similar ones, also agree that they can potentially still be totally different. I think the time lag is your big problem here though, (mean that nicely) it does seem as though you talk about it but never actually get there-I am also guilty of that!

I think since you've left it 10 years it's fair game!

As pp said, they are unlikely to be identical. If they were it would also connect you to your sister.

Your other option is gently discussing it with her and suggesting something that is a special connection between the two of them.

But if she gets hers first and you've spent so long thinking of what the designight be then you just have another design to rule out if you do want it unique.

And what if you never got round to it? In 10 years you could easily put away a pound here or there for it.

Why can't you see it as a good thing that you are both getting tributes to him? I mean, isn't he her father as well?

It's sounds like you feel like you "own" your father's memory. You work with his favorite animal in tribute, you know more about his hobbies. You'd have a tattoo. You're the "dad" expert. In reality, your sister loves him and misses him as much as you do. Even if she hasn't chosen to work in this field, or pursue his interests. I think you have to acknowledge that and stop being resentful.

You don't want to fall out with her over this.

If you think she is copying you, decide where and how you want your tattoo, say the whole animal on your arm. Then start talking about nice ideas you've seen for the face on your ankle...

If she is doing it to copy you then she will end up with something you don't want. If she isn't then you will risk she will try to do something different from you so end up with what you're planning but if she does it first then then at least you will be able to choose something different. If you do yours first and she copies it then you would be stuck with her having something the same as you...

You know best if she will try to copy you!

Friend of mine lost a sibling tragically. The two siblings and mum got matching tattoos of sibling's nickname which is also the name of an animal but not a run of the mill choice for a tatt.

Lovely idea. Why don't you own it and go with your sis and get matching tatts? Your dad would want you pulling together not falling out over it, probably.

Try and see it from your sister's point of view. Maybe she'd been thinking of getting a memorial tattoo for some time but wasn't sure what to get, maybe she was already thinking of an animal but unsure which; then she found out what your dad's favourite animal was, she's naturally going to be drawn to that.

If you didn't know it was your dad's favourite until after he died then I think the connection is a little tenuous, it's not like you sat and discussed the animal together. It's coincidence.

And yes, I know how long it can take to get round to having a tattoo...I finally got the one I intended to celebrate DS2's birth last year,..he's 4 now! But I can imagine after 10 years it seems unlikely you'll have it done, if it was as important as you say it is you would have had it done in that time. Maybe your sister feels it's important that someone has it done, and if you're not going to then she will.

I think your dad would be really pleased if both of you had tattoos of this animal, please don't see it as a competition

My sister has a history of copying me too so I can totally relate. I would, firstly, learn the lesson and be careful what you tell her in future. Secondly, try to find a positive in it - maybe she likes the idea of honouring you as well as your dad? After all, you work with the animal! Thirdly, go to a different tattoo artist and it's bound to look really different.
I'd also be tempted to make up things - see what else you can get her to do.

Stealing tattoo ideas is awful.

BUT if you have different placements, designs etc...? It will look entirely different.

OP, we scattered my DDads ashes in a wood where he played as a child. I am planning to have a tattoo in the shape of the wood lifted from the Ordnance Survey Map. I have only just started the design but already it looks unique and special. What about coming up with something like that and mentally a 'step on' from your sister's tattoo so you feel you have something unique for you and him and his memory?

Without being harsh, your dad didn't mention when alive that he was keen on this animal. It was only when you started working with them that your mum mentioned it, so I would question his great passion for this animal if he never mentioned it. My grandad loved elephants and had them throughout the house, you couldn't miss it.

That said, you csn both have a tattoo of the same animal but the tattoos will be different. But if ten years have gone by and you haven't bothered to get the tattoo, you can't be cross with her if she decides to.

I personally find it strange that ten years after dad dies you get a tattoo of an animal he never mentioned, in his memory.
I would advise against getting this tattoo all together.

I think Rocky 's idea is a nice one if you and your sister are close, but I completely understand why you are upset, even though obviously you can't dictate what she does. It doesn't stop you feeling the way you do though. Parents and children have connections which are personal to them, and she is horning in on yours, rather than using her own, whatever that may have been.

I had a friend steal a tattoo idea from me once. She even admitted it. She never actually got it done (or hasn't so far) but it really soured it for me and I didn't get it either in the end as it felt spoiled. I know it's silly but I couldn't get past the feeling.

Just read that your sister didn't know your dad liked this animal till you told her. So how was it his favourite if nobody knew? Sounds like the animal is something you are keen on, your dad never mentioned it and your mum mentioned in passing he liked that animal. Was there not something that your dad was genuinely passionate about that you could get a tattoo Of? As it doesn't really sound like he was bothered about this animal. Did he have any genuine interests?

As a natural historian I completely understand what you are saying about it being an unusual species that you work on and why this is annoying you. You're right, it is annoying. But not much you can do other than get the tattoo you want and let her sister do what she wants. Yours will be better though because you will ensure accuracy, which after all is the most important part of animal tattoos IMO!

I'm getting another 'favourite animal' for DM, however that feels completely different. Despite the fact that my sister actually got a different animal, if she had wanted the same as me it would have felt fine, and as other's say, even nice that we as sister's had the same tattoo for our mother.

I've not really been able to convey why this feels so upsetting. It just really does.

I can't feel 'happy' that's she's getting the same as me, frankly it feels like she hasn't given 5 minutes thought to what she wants and just wants something pretty that she can hang a meaning onto.

I suggested she get a design of something else, which is not 'pretty' , but could be well designed (think steam train - but not) she loved them as a child and still does to this day, DF did too, and they used to get excited about them together - we have some very charming photos of them both grinning with them. She didn't want that

Look unless the OP has had her design drawn up and ready to go and has shown it to her sister who has promptly had an almost identical one drawn up, then I don't think she can be accused of stealing anything.

But she hasn't. She says herself, she's been dithering over design and placement, ten years have gone by and she still hasn't found the time or the money to get this terribly personal and important thing done, or made her mind up about exactly what she wants. She didn't even know that this animal was her dads favourite until after she decided to work with them, yet she's wanted this memorial tattoo for ten years.

I know good tattoos can be expensive and it's important to plan them well but ten years is a lot of of thinking and saving up time.save

If she hasn't got around to it yet she doesn't have the right to tell someone else they can't have what she wants.

OP, is this really about the tattoo? Or is it about your sister doing something before you? Do you have any tattoos already?

It does seem strange that you have both fixated on an animal that your father never mentioned to either of you - yes, you work with them, but if your mother hadn't said anything you wouldn't have known either.

10 years is a very long time to 'reserve' an idea and not expect anyone else to do it, do you do this with other things?

I can only go on what you've put down here, but it doesn't seem as if you are any closer to actually getting this tattoo done over a decade on. If you want to remember your father, perhaps funding a conservation project to aid this particular species of animal (but there again I am not a tattoo fan so this would appeal more to me!).

The thing is, once you get the idea of a tattoo that feels 'right' it's hard to consider something else. I'm not surprised your sister doesn't want the 'not steam train'. Plus I wonder if there's a bit of stubbornness here...she knows you don't want her to get it and she's digging her heels in

Do you actually have any tattoos at all yet OP?

Because frankly it seems quite daft to be talking about what animal you will get in memory of your mother, when your Dad has been gone ten years and you still haven't got around to getting his done.

Ok, the animal is an Arctic tern. Obviously everyone knew he loved birds, and we as a family we all knew he specifically loved seabirds, my mother knew his favourite was an Arctic tern. He was not obsessive about it, and he was a quiet man who did not talk about himself. If you knew him, you'd see how it was possible not to really know. He would just quietly take himself off to watch them.

It was the summer after his death that I started working with them, and my mother told me they were his favourite. It felt special..

YABU - he was her father too!

As a person I do take a long time to action my plans, it's true. But I do them.