AIBU to continue having children? Despite knowing they all would have a life limiting condition.

[stripedeyesdown]

I have named changed as i am probably going to get flamed for this.

I am a member of a Facebook group, i have just seen a post & a child of a member of this group has recently died.

It was noted on the message that this is their 3rd child, who has died from the same genetic life limiting condition.

They knowlingly went ahead with the following 2 pregnancies, knowing the children would be severely disabled with little quality of life.

AIBU to think that they have been selfish for a number of reasons, to continue having children knowing that each child would be born with this life limiting condition?

Lets not pretend the OP was after a debate. She was slagging off a bereaved family based on what she thinks she knows and how she feels about disability

Indeed. Thankfully we have MNers who are prepared to look further, listen to other opinions, who have empathy, and who are prepared to share experiences that illuminate our understanding beyond our own experience.

I'm going to stick my neck out here and go against the grain.

I'm not so sure the op wanted a goady thread. I think her opinion is valid and off face value - I wouldn't continue to have children if there was a risk of the baby being poorly. I would think it was based of selfish reasons if you knew your child cross possibly be born sick and have a life threatening illness. You wouldn't allow an animal to keep having off spring if you knew they were going to be sick, why do humans get that choice ?

Once said child is born and is sick they they deserve every penny and much more from NHS/LA as it wasn't them that chose this fate for themselves.

Jazzy the OP doesn't know anything.
She is assuming a whole lot of stuff about the family and disability based on what?

There is no debate with knowledge. Its just ill informed twaddle.

People are not animals.

Are you advocating forced sterilisation?

i always am a bit hmm at these threads, people always saying its a discussion worth having.
yet most have never experienced it and are just saying what they think they would do.
the op starting this to slag of a family
to use their grief to start a goady thread.
(where is Op now? who knows as they NC)

You're right, zacky. People are saying what they think they would do.

Which, in most situations, is far from what they actually would (or do) do when faced with that situation.

My ds was born with a congenital heart defect, and being pregnant triggered an auto immune disease for me, that is currently incurable. I was told that if I chose to get pregnant again, there was a high probability that the baby would be disabled. I chose not to have any more children, as I couldn't have coped with that, and it would have affected all of us.

the op starting this to slag of a family
to use their grief to start a goady thread

Exactly. It wasn't about debate or discussion.

Xpost

Jazzy any pregnancy could result in a child that is born sick. Should no one have children?

I worked in a children's hospital, and there was a family with 3 daughters who all had Cystic Fibrosis. It wasn't discovered until after the 3rd one was born.

Exactly sue
That situation is very common.
CF is relatively simple to diagnose compared to hundreds of genetic conditions.
It is not uncommon for children to wait 10+ years for a diagnosis. It can take 4 years for a child to show definite signs of a degenerative condition.
Its normal to have 2 children under 4 and another one the way.

Bit late to put them back isn't it?

But that's not what the original post is about. It's about planning for a baby knowing that it will have a life limiting illness or disability. Totally different.

The OP doesn't know that about the family.
She is assuming it because she has very limited knowledge and experience of these issues.
So not different. Pretty usual.
People thinking they know stuff they don't.

ShootFruit
Id agree. Its why ive avoided reference to the family in the OP. The wider debate is an interesting one to have in its own right. And actually other than some of the shouty down 'tgis should be deleted' most responses Ive found quite interesting.

People are saying what they think they would do.
Which, in most situations, is far from what they actually would (or do) do when faced with that situation.
Yes, because when engaging with a hypothetical situation is all you can do.
E.g. a relative of mine expressed a hypthetical sitiatiom linked to palliative care recently. Im not going to say 'you cant talk about that unless youve actually experienced it'.

I have a son with special needs , I'm on various groups regarding this . There are a lot of people who have two or three ( sometimes more ) children with sn and to me it seems really strange to keep having children but it is their choice and their lives . I carry massive guilt because my son costs the NHS a lot of money and will no doubt cost the tax payer a lot of money in the future but we had tests when we were pregnant and they told me my baby was fine so it is what it is . I guess that doesn't bother some people .. I will not be having any more children just in case though .

Its awful that you feel guilty because your son will cost the system money. Im sorry society has made you feel this way.

DixieNormas
Many difficukt issues have been raised on MN. But we dont close the ones down we dont like. Its one thing i like about MN.

People come back to its about slagging a family off. Its not. Most posters have disucssed the issue not individuals.
Shall i say we cant talk about mental health because i have nearest and dearests affevted by it? What about abortion? What about other issues? Who has the right to decide which topics are off limits?

imjessie
Thats awful you feel like that. Its really sad. Though i would stress that the debate on here isnt about feeling bad a out children with additional needs or anything linked to your situation at all.
Its people discussing if they knew they would pass a condition on, what choixe would they make re TTC..

Im not going to say 'you cant talk about that unless youve actually experienced it

No, but you might say 'listen to some people who have experienced or supported someone through palliative care and find out a bit about it before you judge or condemn anyone as selfish'.

I can answer that Maisy pops and the answer is no . I love the bones of him but the question of who will care for him when I can't terrifies me . I can't understand why you would willingly put yourself through that . Plus it's a possibility he is life limited and now he is here I don't want him to go . The whole thing is heartbreaking .

No, but you might say 'listen to some people who have experienced or supported someone through palliative care and find out a bit about it before you judge or condemn anyone as selfish'.
But that sharing has happened on here. Its what ive found interesting.

I can say that if i knew i was going to pass on a condition that would cause pain to a hypothetical child I dont think i could make the choice to have a biologixal child. Im not judging anyone, just i cant fathom making that decision.

imjessie That must be really difficult and you must be so strong. It sounds so complicated.

Hmm. My MIL had two children with special needs..it didn't stop her carrying on popping out another two children. As such, she didn't really parent any of them properly. None of their needs were met. Selfish imo.

If that had of been me, I would have loved the two I had and devoted my time/life to being the best Mum I could possibly be.

However, that wasn't me. Maybe (definitely) she wanted a 'shot' at a 'normal' child (the cow has even said that to me I might add)

Relating to the post, I personally couldn't do it. I remember watching a programme about a lovely couple who were both dwarves. Both talked about how their life was incredibly difficult etc etc but they wanted a child. They both agreed that the child was nearly 100% likely to have dwarfism, and that it would be tough for the child, but they managed, so the child would too.

I do remember thinking, couldn't you just adopt one of the desperate children who needs a home right now rather than insisting on having your own DNA, at whatever cost that may bring. I know it's not the same thing at all, but I've spent my entire life being picked on for having short legs - so I deliberately only fancied men with long legs and certainly married one (to hopefully spare my DC"s the trauma I went through !!) I don't think i could deliberately get pregnant and know 100% that I was giving my child a condition which could cause great distress for the rest of their life (and maybe a shorter life)

This whole thread is one of those 'you might think it but you wouldn't say it outloud though' type of things?! Surely?!

In answer to the OP though, yes, they are being selfish. But who are we to judge?

It doesnt make you a cow to want a child without a disability.

I have a child who will never speak or have kids or live independently. You miss out on a lot. I'd love an nT child but that boat has sailed. Am not a cow.

Its so crass to judge people when you haven't walked in their shoes, and to casually state that other people should just adopt rather than have their own biological kids. You have no idea.