To think being gay doesn't excuse you being a dickhead?

[HillysChair]

A man I have to work with (not often once every few weeks). He would describe himself as a queen bitch and frequently does. Usually with a long drawn out darling afterwards .

He's rude. Rude to the point that nobody else would get away with. Frequently commenting on everyone's outfits, cutting remarks about random people walking past the office, referring to women as breeders e.g. "oh daaalings sorry I'm late screaming breeders on the bus"

There's two other women in the office who hang on his every word and cackle delightfully everytime he speaks. I've raised it with him before and his excuse was "well that's who I am darling". Their excuse for him is "oh it's his sense of humour havent you been around a gay man before?"

Well yes obviously I have but they weren't like him or so fucking rude all the time.

We don't work for the same people, it's an office share so not much I can complain about higher up. More of a rant really that being gay isn't some excuse for acting like a dick and quite offensive to other gay men!

I swear to Christ if I hear another "omg look at her skirt" comment I'm going to throw something at him

I see the points being made, but it still stands that your sexuality does not give you blanket rights to be rude. We're looking for reasons behind his behavior. There could be many, but the bottom line is it's simply unacceptable. Would we be trying to understand why he might do this if he were straight or Orthodox Jewish or Conservative Muslim^ or Christian (and I'm not entering the argument about having a choice about religion, simply going in the fact someone is and how it can^ manifest)?

As Andrew said, the doors of the Dickhead Club are open to all.

Being gay has nothing to do with it, he's just an idiot

Tell him to swap "breeders" with "black people" or "Muslims" or even.... "Gay people" and showing how devisive language is equally destructive regardless of the target.

Lots of nice gay men out there but bitchy queens I've no time for and I don't get why it's all treated as amusing.

That key and peele link is brilliant

ha ha the link was funny!

*Being gay... fine

Being rude... not fine

Be prepared for the illiberal left to call you a homophobe when you complain.*

What an odd thing to say. There are at least four lesbians on this thread (me included) and one gay man who have said yes he's a dickhead. There is definitely a minority trend in the gay community that thinks this kind of camp bitchy queenery is funny. I find it bone-achingly tiresome.

I think it's worth pointing out as well that not all camp, effeminate, slightly dramatic gay people (or indeed straight people who act the same) are misogynistic twats either. I've know a few who manage to be all these things without being insulting about anyone.

There is definitely a minority trend in the gay community that thinks this kind of camp bitchy queenery is funny. I find it bone-achingly tiresome.

I think most people find it bone-achingly tiresome. I think there are a large number of people, who would laugh along for fear of being labelled a homophobe. That is the reality. The reason people are worried about that is because there are a small group of illiberal or regressive lefties who will never ever criticise an individual even when they are wrong if they are part of any minority and will denounce anyone else who does as a phobic person ie. Homophobe/transphobe/xenophobe.

That is the reality. It is stupid...but the reality nonetheless.

In my experience, there is far higher tolerance for gay men expressing open misogyny than there is for lesbians vocalising "man-hating".

I wonder why that could be...

Everybody wants a gay best friend CaoNiMartacus, but Nobody Loves A Lesbian.

Being gay does not excuse being rude, anymore than being straight, disabled, a 'celebrity', manager of Manchester United FC, or whomever.

I'm guessing that the above deleted message and the fact that this has been bumped from March was someone brought this thread back from the past to make a nasty comment.

In my experience gay men who behave like this appear to think that it's somehow funny or endearing or simply acceptable because they are gay. It's none of the above

I used to work with a gig like the one you describe. He was incredibly rude to staff and managers alike. Swearing, making rude and insulting personal comments. But everyone appeared to be scared to challenge him because of you did he would make accusations of homophobia. He was around for about a year and you could feel the sigh of relief when he left, as people stopped walking on egg shells. I answer to your question no it's not ok for anyone to behave like this OP but not sure what you can do

He's just horrible. He is using his sexual orientation to get away with bullying and harassment.

My best friend's husband is a bit like this. I normally just politely disagree. "Yeah I probably wouldn't wear it but each to their own" "Yeah but that's what boobs look like when you're breastfeeding - blue veins are part of the deal. They're doing what there made for to be fair" etc.

One time he commented on my body (backhanded compliment designed to make me feel bad about myself 8 months after having a baby). I called him on it assertively. He couldn't stop apologising.
That's just me, I'm a bitch is definitely used sometimes too. Horrible attitude.
So, in short, YADNBU. The attitude is not only misogynistic but also kind of homophobic if you ask me.

The women who hang on to his every word.....there's always those women who think it's cool to have a gay friend, they weirdly see them as some kind of fashion accessory and love to parade them round. He sounds a twat and being gay is no excuse, why the hell should it be.

Oh, he also thinks it's fine to grope women's boobs because he's gay. That one always annoys me.
His husband is my best friend and I'm very close to another friend who is a gay man and neither of them would dream of touching my breasts! They don't comment on my body at all. "You look beautiful" on my wedding day, that's about it.

ZOMBIE THREAD ALERT

Another lesbian here who has encountered a fair few of this type - I agree with the poster above that they're not necessarily more misogynistic than straight men but have less reason to hide it. A lot of gay men absolutely hate lesbians in particular.

I had the misfortune of working with someone like this - actually worse than this - (I didn't challenge him or do anything to him at all but he really targeted me with some very nasty harassment and I ended up leaving the job). He started out just a bit on-the-knuckle/offensive and as he never got challenged and people thought it funny, it got more and more extreme. If I ever described something that had happened to someone outside our workplace they were shocked but it had just become so normalised within our workplace - and he always did it with a smile on his face so it was of course 'just a joke' no matter how vicious it was.

He said and did things which were sexist, lesbophobic (if that's the word) and racist and was a thoroughly twisted individual but got away with it because of his camp, gay persona. Our Equalities Officer loved him and was very much on his side when someone did finally complain about him. The straight women we worked with would laugh along to his comments about lesbians (I was the only one in the office) because it was okay because he was gay so it couldn't be homophobic, could it?

Thankfully, I haven't encountered any of this type for a while - although that may be because I generally avoid the scene and only associate with a limited number of gay male friends - specially selected on the grounds of not being d*heads.