Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think being gay doesn't excuse you being a dickhead?

97 replies

HillysChair · 23/03/2017 13:31

A man I have to work with (not often once every few weeks). He would describe himself as a queen bitch and frequently does. Usually with a long drawn out darling afterwards Hmm.

He's rude. Rude to the point that nobody else would get away with. Frequently commenting on everyone's outfits, cutting remarks about random people walking past the office, referring to women as breeders e.g. "oh daaalings sorry I'm late screaming breeders on the bus"

There's two other women in the office who hang on his every word and cackle delightfully everytime he speaks. I've raised it with him before and his excuse was "well that's who I am darling". Their excuse for him is "oh it's his sense of humour havent you been around a gay man before?"

Well yes obviously I have but they weren't like him or so fucking rude all the time.

We don't work for the same people, it's an office share so not much I can complain about higher up. More of a rant really that being gay isn't some excuse for acting like a dick and quite offensive to other gay men!

I swear to Christ if I hear another "omg look at her skirt" comment I'm going to throw something at him

OP posts:
cjt110 · 23/03/2017 14:46

He sounds like a prize dick. Using the fact he is gay to insult people, falsely believing it would make I'm above reprieve. I wouldn't doubt if someone did make a complaint, he would claim discrimination because of his sexuality.

That said, I would just be blunt and say you don't appreciate hearing him speaking about others like that and would appreciate h keep that kind of discussion for outside of work.

I once was sat with a colleague who referred to someone as a raghead. I stopped what I was doing and said "Please, do not use that kind of racist terminology around me. I do not appreciate it and would prefer you kept your inappropriate comments to yourself and not say it around me" Give him his due, he apologist and never did it again.

People like your colleague feel that no-one will call them on stuff. Call his bluff. Be blunt and tell him he's being wholly inappropriate and should it continue, you'll have no choice but to raise it.

mayoli · 23/03/2017 14:46

I'm a lesbian, and in the LGBT community there is a MASSIVE problem with gay men getting away with being massive misogynists. Being a gay man doesn't excuse someone from being sexist and I would definetely agree that this is a problem. Can you call him out on it/report it to a manager/etc?

user1489943514 · 23/03/2017 14:52

Google 'office homophobe' on YouTube

There's a video about this.

No being gay doesn't accuse bad behaviour.

Agerbilatemycardigan · 23/03/2017 14:54

Most of my male friends are gay, and none of them talk like that, although I have come across one or two. They're okay in short bursts, but after that just become offensive and annoying.

Being gay does not give him carte blanche to be an offensive prick.

VestalVirgin · 23/03/2017 14:56

I am open to being proved wrong but there is a type of gay man who hates women for taking men's attention.

I am not sure it is even that. Could just be regular misogyny. Gay men are not immune to it.
As an oppressed group, gay men had reasons to hide their misogyny, or even train themselves out of it in order to gain the support of feminists - but with there not being much homophobia anymore, I guess it will become more common for gay men to be openly misogynist.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/03/2017 15:03

It sounds as though he's hiding behind a facade, playing up to some sort of camp bitchy stereotype.
He's probably desperately insecure and attention seeking. What a shame some people in the office are encouraging his bullshit.

I think it would stop if he was ignored and not regarded as a source of amusement. Confronting him would likely give him a stage to have a diva strop and cry Homophobia.

Morphene · 23/03/2017 15:04

I would be repeating 'it isn't professional to comment on the appearance of others' and 'please could we keep this professional' and if that didn't work I would say 'I am very unhappy about the lack of professionalism you are bringing to this work, I will be raising the lack of professionalism with my line manager'.

And just be very clear your issue is with personal comments being made in the work place.

nikelarsedstirgin · 23/03/2017 15:11

Being gay... fine

Being rude... not fine

Be prepared for the illiberal left to call you a homophobe when you complain.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/03/2017 15:14

We don't work for the same people, it's an office share so not much I can complain about higher up.

If you're all self employed (meaning no one has 'higher ups') then you're right, there isn't much you can do other than be rude right back. After all, who is he going to complain to? When he says 'That's just who I am, Dahhlling", I'd say "Then you're a fucking arsehole, aren't you?".

Would it do any good to speak to the landlord or letting agent?

But, if you and/or he are employees who work 'offsite' then there are higher ups to complain to. His or yours. If you don't know who his higher ups are, I'd start with complaining to your own higher ups. They have a duty to provide you with a non-hostile work environment.

Jaxhog · 23/03/2017 15:15

Rude is rude. Whoever or whatever you are.

Iris65 · 23/03/2017 15:32

Or also a super mascular guy coming to woring and complaining about "screaming fags and dykes on the bus" (I don't think these are necessarily slang words used in the UK, but you get my drift). That would be awful as well

Yes, I agree.

LozzaChops101 · 23/03/2017 15:37

Another lesbian here seconding a pp about horrific misogyny from some gay men, and it's people like your colleagues (who seem to be basing their knowledge of gay men on whatever they've seen on trash TV, rather than any extensive real life encounters) that let them get away with it. Gross all round.

I wouldn't think twice about calling him out tbh, but I appreciate straight women might fear being labelled a homophobe (nonsense).

Pigface1 · 23/03/2017 15:38

YANBU.

It would be totally unacceptable for a woman to make comments like this in the workplace.

It would be totally unacceptable for a straight man to make comments like this in the workplace.

So...

BarbarianMum · 23/03/2017 15:43

I am open to being proved wrong but there is a type of gay man who hates women for taking men's attention.

Sorry, but I think that's rubbish. I do think that you can be gay and a misogynist though.

picklemepopcorn · 23/03/2017 15:51

Can you just calmly and in a bored tone of voice say:
you're being sexist again.
You're being bigoted again.
That's offensive.
Do you think it's ok to talk about women like that?
That's rude.
That's mean.
Etc.

RiversrunWoodville · 23/03/2017 16:14

I had a bf who was (probably still is but now lives in another country) gay when I was late teens early 20s. He was absolutely lovely and normal (well as normal as anyone is iyswim) when we were alone or with other friends but when we were with a crowd of other gay men or interestingly a crowd of straight women he put on a persona very like you described. The first couple of times I was just Confused but then I publicly called him on it and he stopped. He later admitted privately he was trying to appear confident and outgoing when in fact he felt he was not good enough and would never find a DP as this is what his DF told him when he came out

RiversrunWoodville · 23/03/2017 16:15

I did point out wrong way to go about it though

Dozer · 23/03/2017 16:21

Surely even if it's a shared office there is management in place?

Eg if he's an employee his employer needs to sort it out.

Even if you're all self employed, there should still be "house rules" and consequences for people like this who persistently break them. Many shared workspaces have these in placez

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/03/2017 16:22

I agree, River it's just a persona. It must be exhausting to keep up that level of camp bitchiness. Confused

LevantineHummus · 23/03/2017 16:50

Who you want to sleep with has nothing to do with your ability to be polite.

Original poster
HillysChair · 23/03/2017 16:51

I've just got home, sorry to post and run

Yes it's rental desk space. I snapped in the end and told him we didn't need a diatribe on every woman who walked past which was met with an eye roll and a meow Angry. I told him to just keep his thoughts to himself and left 30 mins later.

I'm going to look into renting a space somewhere else. The bloke is an epic twat.

OP posts:
Original poster
HillysChair · 23/03/2017 16:52

He seems to think he's a cross between bobby on TOWIE and that gay bloke off sex and the city Hmm

OP posts:
Mulberry72 · 23/03/2017 16:54

He sounds a twat!

Being gay is not an excuse to act like an arsehole, I have a large circle of gay friends and none of them behave like that.

Poudrenez · 23/03/2017 16:56

Gay man here - people like the chap described are exactly why I would describe myself as 'non scene'! Lots of gay men are dreadful in this particular way. Honestly, I think they get away with it because it's immoral to openly dislike us. Don't let him get away with it!

user1489261248 · 23/03/2017 17:46

I agree. Whilst I have nothing against gay men at all, I do find that some of the ones who are extra flamboyant and camp, to be very bitchy, catty, and cutting. I don't know why. I have the theory that they kind of want to be effeminate, and like a female, and this is how they see females. When, in actual fact, most females are not like this. All the OTT hair flicking and head bobbing and campness annoys me.

This is not (of course) how many gay men behave, and the ones who are just regular gay men who want to live their lives in peace, tend to hate the OTT camp bitchy ones, because it gives them a bad name.

But yeah OP; you're right that no-one else would get away with it.