To be raging with dh for being a misogynistic twat?

[Evilstepmum01]

So today at work I was out in the van delivering with my two female colleagues. I took a fun selfie and have just showed it to dh. His immediate response was that he couldn't believe work would send 3 women out by themselves. Gobsmacked I said why? He said cos we're vulnerable with the money we carry. We don't carry money and are perfectly capable of doing this manual job. He replied but what if you got a flat tyre and one of my colleagues wasn't there to help? I'm fuckin Gobsmacked. I can change a tyre as can my colleagues. We're not speshul snowflakes who need men to be there! Of course then we had a massive fight cos of can't believe that's how he sees me and he's defensive cos he's only thinking of me. And I'm a feminist. Grrrr! Aibu to be so cross??

I am pretty handy doing all sorts at home which my sons don't. I am the one teaching them about screwdrivers, how to deal with plumbing issues, electrical systems and fuses. I have martial arts skills too. Some men are just very sexist.

@Trills

Yes, but now they have a point.

"We're not speshul snowflakes"
And yet you are raging about a stupid comment from a stupid person.

Fool.

But does he have to KNOW that she can change a tyre?
The issue is that he is ASSUMING as she can't and that all of her colleagues can't either.
He is ASSUMING that, by default, women can't change tyres, need the protection of a man etc...

There is no point arguing whether the OP can or cannot change a tyre, whether he can or can't.

Because let's face it, a lot (most??) men can't change a tyre either. But somehow they are 'allowed' to go out on their own wo supervision 'Justin case something happens such as a flat tyre'. Nope it is xpectd that they will know how to deal with it and change the bloody tyre or rather ring the RAC for them to do it for them

OP I'm gobsmacked. He has just told you that women still need a chaperone and can't be left going out on their own.
This is not being worried about you or caring. It's saying loud and clear that you are not fully independent people. Twat.

Well the stupid person is her DH whatto
So I think she is totally in her right to be fuming about it. It's not as if the comment had been made by a stranger in the street.

He's obviously got the penis operated locking wheel nuts on his car, thus his confusion.

To change a wheel you need a jack or some sort and something to remove the wheel nuts

Yep, done that, on cars, motorbikes, push bikes and a buggy.

To change a tyre you need either expensive machinery or a long lever, lighter fluid and a big pair

Nah.. Done it for bikes and motorbikes with levers and lube (and little bits to slip over the rim to stop the levers marking it) in the back garden.

For cars, I've seen it done by hand (popping the bead by driving a car over the edge of the tyre - rather than the more dramatic lighter fluid), but yes, ideally you have at least the stand for holding the wheel. If you have one, it's not a big deal though. I've done that too (I realise I'm unusual in that - wouldn't expect most people to bother).

Glad your life is such that you think women have full equality. Roll on the time when we all feel that way.

SanComic
If I may say, you are right ANF wrong in your analysis of the situation.
I do believe that some feminists do come out as man haters.
But saying that we have won the war of equality is wrong, as proven by numerous threads on here (where the little woman is expected to do all the HW etc etc), wages issues, the lack of women on STEM etc etc
Saying that we need to support men is three though. Because it's just the other side of the coin. If women are treated in xx way and expected to do A and B, the follow on is that MEN are also expected to be treated in YY way and to do C and D.
And yes those expectations also have their own effects, esp on MH with all this talk about men not being emotional etc... (which is basically the lack of emotional literacy in men because they have been told 'to be strong' all their life's and that emotions is for 'women')

Saying that being a feminist is now reduced to being a man hater isn't gong to help in any shape or form though.

And it's not going to help the OP deal with the situation with her DH, where he is showing himself as a misogynist prick.

My husband comes out with little gems occasionally, not to that extent but he does sometimes forget what I'm capable of doing. I have do things now because he's disabled and where he might have done things in the past instead of me, it didn't mean I was incapable, I was just happy to let him get on with it. I just look at him disdainfully and remind him that I know what I'm doing because I'm not an idiot. That normally shuts him up!

Objecting to sexism does not mean hating men.

Greenpeppers

Saying that being a feminist is now reduced to being a man hater isn't gong to help in any shape or form though.

2 things though. I'm not trying to 'help' as I don't think we (as a class) need help. Sometimes an individual needs help. Of course I think there are 'good' feminists but as a movement, I think it's toxic.

I think that those who are left tend to be the more extreme. I think comments on MN so frequently seem to be along the lines of "so glad my DH isn't like all those other rapey men" that posters are blind to their own misandry.

wages issues, the lack of women on STEM

I don't for a second believe in the wage gap and and every economist besides those with a well publicised feminist standpoint agrees with me.

I do believe in pink/blue (for want of a better phrase) brains and think it's just as likely to be true as it is for all those other male/female anatomy differences. I think that this is the explanation for STEM disparity If any girl wants to follow it then they can and they will be encouraged. I would go old-school feminist if I heard a girl being disuaded (unless she was older and was being advised about school subjects). I don't think aiming for a 50:50 sex balance is achievable or what we want or what naturally suits humans. For example, I think women tend to make the best GPs and nurses. Men tend to be better coders (incidentally, so do autistic people who have scientifically proven different brains and autism presents itself more frequently and more severely in males - the differences between a male and male autistic brain are smaller than those between a female and an autistic brain).

If women are treated in xx way and expected to do A and B, the follow on is that MEN are also expected to be treated in YY way and to do C and D.

Why is this the flipside of feminism and not simply egalitarianism. I don't think it works like this because I think that women even if there are expectations as to what males or females should do, these are blurred (metrosexual, men more likely to cry in public, 'tomboy' being nearly archaic) and breaking the mould is not seen as an issue, if it's even noticed.

Knowing that male - female brains (gender) is a continuum means what we treat everyone as individuals at the same time as acknowledging clear trends.

it's not going to help the OP deal with the situation with her DH, where he is showing himself as a misogynist prick

My DH wouldn't have said this and I don't like what was said as implies the OP wasn't smart enough to make her own decision. I would say though that men are safer carrying money - they are often stronger and more assertive. They also don't look like such a soft target. I suspect that many more women than men don't know how to change a tyre. Posters here saying they do prove nothing.

Errol

Objecting to sexism does not mean hating men.

Yes. Very true.

ChocolatePorridge

Roll on the time when we all feel that way.

Amen to that sister!

I get told often that people can't imagine little old me doing my job because I'm female.
This is usually followed by them describing why they couldn't do my job.

DP would never dare to even think it.

Well I can't change a tyre, but I do have road side assistance cover, so I'm not hugely concerned.

Would I be furious if my husband behaved like yours. No, takes a lot for me to be furious. I would tell him to stop being such a daft twat. However he's never said such a thing and we treat each other like equals.

In fact it's The opposite for us, bastard doesn't understand why I shouldn't do all the diy and it's his job to get the drill out...he has a point...😂

Comic if pink/blue brain was to explain the reason why there is so few women in STEM, then in other countries we would find the same thing happening.
As it happens in France for example, there are more girls than boys taking the maths/science baccalaureate and they do better too.
There are also many more women in STEM. Not quwhen te 50/50 but the not the levels you find here, aka maybe one woman in an entirely re Office (I'm an engineer by trade btw so I have a quite good idea of what is happening both in the UK and in France).
That's not the only country where you find a much better balance than in the U.K., showing that it's attitude and misogyny that is the issue here rather than real abilities.

All that talk of women been less able to do that is just rubbish, sorry.

I can change a wheel, if I have to, but it's not something I enjoy and I'd be more than happy to let dh do it instead!

Comic if women are a soft target and aren't safe with money with them, does it mean you are never going out on your own? Or going out with other women because it could be dangerous for you?
So you need a chaperone?
Really?
Does it also mean that women should not go out and do the shopping (they will have money with them after all) so its men that should somthat from now on?
Or it's doesn't apply to women work?

it's attitude and misogyny that is the issue here rather than real abilities.
The discrepancy in numbers of girls taking STEM subjects in mixed schools versus single sex schools demonstrates how much attitudes are responsible.

GreenPeppers

I don't know much about the French system but do know a good amount about the IB. It tends to suit girls better as boys are more likely to achieve better results in single, high-pressure examinations.

Boys results in all subjects (especially STEM-related subjects) are spread over a much wider range. Most geniuses are males. Most under-achieving children are boys. The middle ground is much more likely to be populated by girls.

Traits or 'problems' in other walks of life such as autism actually suit lots of careers in STEM and these tend to be more likely to afflict boys. Some women can be excellent mathematicians or computer programmers (I was pretty good) but men are likely to be better. It may be the environment that suits men, for example, introverts, focus on a single-specific task are often male traits. There can be many, many reasons for disparity and I absolutely think that differences in boys and girls brains' is the largest factor. I don't think it's influence of society or education (which is geared towards girls now anyway). I think STEM careers are harder to take a break from. Take your eye off the ball in programming and it's very hard to get back up to speed.

if women are a soft target and aren't safe with money with them, does it mean you are never going out on your own?

You're clearly intelligent so why the lazy twisting of my words.

Women are a softer target (generalisation). Weaker, smaller, less assertive and aggressive / defensive. Do you deny we're the physically weaker sex?

If you had to mug someone, would you choose a man or woman?

I go out on my own but it's more dangerous for me to walk home on my own than for my husband. Not because of a misogynistic society but because I'm a softer / easier target.

FWIW, had the van popped a tyre or broken down in any way, we'd have done what any person, male or female would do, we;d have called our local garage who we have a contract with to come and load our van onto their lorry!
I can change a tyre but I wouldnt have fancied jacking up a fully laden van for H&S reasons!
Anyway, big talks have been had with DH, he has apologised profusely for his sexist comment. I understand he worries about me, and he understands I am capable of more than he realises.
Woman are considered the softer/easier target but I have taken care of myself all my adult life as have my colleagues.
We are not silly wee lassies which is how he made me feel. He will not make that mistake again.

Sans - you are making a basic mistake in your posts by confusing "feminism" with "the way feminism is interpreted by certain segments of society".

They are not the same thing.

If I can do all 4 tyres on my car in an hour, I presume I could do one in 15 minutes. I'd change my own on roadside. Then drive under 50 mph...

I thought most cars don't come with a spare, now? So it's a dying skill.

Can all feminists change tyres?

Sadly, the ability didn't come with the feminist club membership card. I guess I'll have to learn it like everyone else ... once I am able to afford a car.

Naicehamshop

What do you mean? A god old semantics vs pragmatics argument?

Feminism doesn't work in a vacuum. It is what its largest number of supporters want it to be.

When you say "certain segements", you must mean the vast majority. Only 7% of people in the UK identify as being a feminist. Why do you think this is? It's because feminism has become this nasty man-hating movement looking that people are abandoning in their droves.

If you'd said " confusing "feminism" with "the way feminism is interpreted by society" then I'd have agreed but it does beg the question:

Why do 43% of women and 96% of men not identify as being a feminist. The modern feminist answer would, I suspect, be misogyny (regular and internalised misogyny): a reductionist, worthless and wrong answer. The real reason is that feminism is now how I and the vast majority of the world view it.