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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be raging with dh for being a misogynistic twat?

80 replies

Evilstepmum01 · 22/03/2017 19:49

So today at work I was out in the van delivering with my two female colleagues. I took a fun selfie and have just showed it to dh. His immediate response was that he couldn't believe work would send 3 women out by themselves. Gobsmacked I said why? He said cos we're vulnerable with the money we carry. We don't carry money and are perfectly capable of doing this manual job. He replied but what if you got a flat tyre and one of my colleagues wasn't there to help? I'm fuckin Gobsmacked. I can change a tyre as can my colleagues. We're not speshul snowflakes who need men to be there! Of course then we had a massive fight cos of can't believe that's how he sees me and he's defensive cos he's only thinking of me. And I'm a feminist. Grrrr! Aibu to be so cross??

OP posts:
GabsAlot · 22/03/2017 20:57

my dh cant change a tyre he doesnt drive but still

what a prat

Whathaveilost · 22/03/2017 22:41

I wouldn't be raging.
I would have just told him to stop being a dick and to think before he speaks.

Not worth getting stressed about it to be honest.

ScarlettFreestone · 23/03/2017 01:53

I would have been appalled too.

I think I'd be spending consider time re-educating him quite frankly.

I can change a tyre.

Asumming you did carry money why does he think you'd be any more vulnerable to (presumably) armed robbery than a man would be? No doubt you'd be trained to hand over the cash, just as a male employee would be.

Joey7t8 · 23/03/2017 06:56

Maybe he was just having a joke? My other half and I joke about sexist stuff like that all the time.

In reality if she needs to change a tyre she knows exactly what to do: phone me, phone her dad or phone her BIL.

SansComic · 23/03/2017 07:27

Can all women change tyres? Is it a feminist requirement? no wonder I'm not one!

I've no doubt someone will blame the patriarchy for this being the case but I suspect that more men know how to change a wheel (changing a car tyre is very hard and quite dangerous) than women.

"cos we're vulnerable with the money we carry"

On every thread about protecting women's spaces, DV, etc, people are very keen to point out how men are much stronger than women, produce more adrenaline in fight or flight situations, have more body mass and muscle mass and are vulnerable... how can this not be applicable when carrying money*?

I think 3 women, in some places, carrying cash would be less vulnerable if they had a man with them. Doorstaff best practice is for women to work in 2s or more whereas men in 1s or 2s.

*Yes, OP said she wasn't, but her DH thought she was.

Naicehamshop · 23/03/2017 07:34

Actually, it isn't particularly difficult or dangerous to change a tyre SansComic, I've done it many times.

I'm not quite sure what your definition of feminism is? The generally accepted definition is a belief in the economic, social and legal equality of women.

JessicaEccles · 23/03/2017 07:37

Firstly, my male friend told a lorry driver he had a hole in his heart as he couldn't get the wheel nuts off by himselfGrin
Secondly places have female staff as they are often better at defusing situations.

SansComic · 23/03/2017 07:39

Naicehamshop

So you're a mechanic then? I wouldn't imagine many people have the machinery to change their own tyres. Admittedly, it isn't that dangerous to change a tyre with the right training but workshops often have a cage over the tyre when reseating it and re-inflating it.

I'm not quite sure what your definition of feminism is?

Very different to yours but the death of modern feminism is for another thread.

Charlieismydarlin · 23/03/2017 07:41

It's quite hard for anyone to change a van's tyre. Bet your DH would struggle Grin

Naicehamshop · 23/03/2017 07:47

No I'm not a mechanic Sans. I've changed a tyre many times - it isn't particularly difficult on a normal family car. Confused

Let's hear your definition of feminism then - I'm genuinely interested.

Joey7t8 · 23/03/2017 07:50

So you're a mechanic then? I wouldn't imagine many people have the machinery to change their own tyres. Admittedly, it isn't that dangerous to change a tyre with the right training but workshops often have a cage over the tyre when reseating it and re-inflating it.

Is this intentional pedantry?

BoobleMcB · 23/03/2017 07:58

Best start divorce proceedings...

ErrolTheDragon · 23/03/2017 07:58

The point isn't really whether any of us can change a tyre, or even whether the OP and her female colleagues could, though the DH might have been expected to know she can. What's sexist is his unthinking assumption that they'd be less capable than a male colleague. Some men might be able to do it more easily, others would be clueless.

ComputerUserNumptyTwit · 23/03/2017 08:00

Changing a wheel at the roadside can be quite dangerous, which is why I'd call roadside assistance. They have vans with lights and proper kit, and will do it in minutes - preferable to my sticking my clumsy arse out into the road and faffing about for half an hour.

ErrolTheDragon · 23/03/2017 08:06

Yes - me too but also my DH. Nothing to do with our sex. If we were in a situation where we absolutely had to - we're both capable of reading and applying instructions. I'd probably find it harder because I'm small, but if I had two other women with me I doubt we'd have more trouble than a bloke.

Trills · 23/03/2017 08:11

What's sexist is his unthinking assumption that they'd be less capable than a male colleague

Yep.

WhiteCaribou · 23/03/2017 08:15

Surely the changing a tyre/wheel (yes I did get the pedantry!) is a red herring? It's not whether a woman can do something competent with a car - it's the unthinking assumption that women are less capable than men; that there are everyday situations where certain activities are "man's work" and that a woman by default would not be able to cope.

The entrenched attitude is the problem (presuming he wasn't joking) not whether the OP can actually perform car maintenance.

PlumsGalore · 23/03/2017 08:15

I can't believe you are actually married to someone and he doesn't know you are a capable woman? how does he think you get through life on a daily basis and how come he doesn't know what your job entails when you are married?

ErrolTheDragon · 23/03/2017 08:19

It's the same sort of sexism as assumptions that a bloke can't do housework or look after a kid competently. It's compounded by the fact that some people do use these stereotypes as excuses for not doing things they find irksome.

RJnomore1 · 23/03/2017 08:22

He's obviously got the penis operated locking wheel nuts on his car, thus his confusion.

MyMrKnightley · 23/03/2017 08:22

My DH called and asked me to bring him some old clothes he was less that 2 miles from home and in his suit in the time it took him to change behind the hedge I'd got his wheel off and was putting the spare on.

Within the month I'd hit a large pothole in the dark so rang him to let him know I'd be a bit later as i had to change wheel. He decided to come out to help as he could hold the light!

Unfortunately it was the lane from the pub and kicking out time so all these lovely people were coming past, not one of them offered to stop whilst I was on my own probably too scared incase I said yes and they didn't have a clue how to do it

As soon as he was there every car stopped and said alright mate need a hand? He said nah I've just come out to change the wife's tyre. I just got on with changing wheel and once home gave him a huge lecture on how sexist he'd been. He was pretty sheepish for a while

Naicehamshop · 23/03/2017 08:23

Well said, Errol.

Trills · 23/03/2017 08:23

Incompetence in "feminine" skills is considered almost to be a thing to be celebrated by a certain type of man.

(excerpt from Delusions of Gender, Cordelia Fine, if you are interested, and borrowed from Caroline Criado-Perez's Twitter )

To be raging with dh for being a misogynistic twat?
SansComic · 23/03/2017 08:26

Joey7t8

No, I've tried to explain it to her.

Naicehamshop

From your misunderstanding despite me trying to tell you, I can assure you that you haven't changed the tyre.

I didn't want to patronise you.

The tyre is black and held on with positive air pressure and a lip on the inside of the rim (or wheel). The wheel is usually silver and held on to the hub by a number of threaded studs.

To change a wheel you need a jack or some sort and something to remove the wheel nuts.

To change a tyre you need either expensive machinery or a long lever, lighter fluid and a big pair!

Let's hear your definition of feminism then - I'm genuinely interested.

Hmm. I suspect you aren't but...

I think that feminism used to be about those things you've mentioned. It was when I was a proud feminist in a STEM subject several decades ago. I had rude sexist (not sexual) comments made, saw how much easier it was for men in the field and how it was easier for them to get onto any course at uni, let alone one like mine.

I think that feminism was a wonderful thing and much needed. I think there are some people (mostly male) who can never be educated out of their misogynistic views. These men tend, in my experience, to also be racist, homophobic etc. There's no helping them and I wouldn't waste my breath. It doesn't make me angry. It has no effect on my life.

I think that feminism has shifted from your definition to mine. I don't have such an eloquent or succinct definition but I do think that modern feminism is nasty, man hating and extreme. I am often called a man and MRA on MN for having this view. I think that fairly well shows how modern feminists have this idea that you're with us or against us. It's like the famous Clinton supporter (whose name escapes me) who said that every woman had a duty to vote for a woman president.

I think that not only has feminism won but that boys actively need support. Again, check me out being an MRA*. Mental health overwhelmingly affects men. Women / girls do better at school, they do better at uni, more of them go to uni, they get better jobs after uni... the only time statistics show some disparity in 'success' is around the age people tend to become parents. Children are a choice and due to simple biology, a choice that is likely to have more effect on a mother's career than a father's.

We have laws stipulating non-discriminatory practices. We have equality of opportunity (in fact, I think girls have the upper hand here) and that is all we can ask for. I don't want to live in a society with equality of outcome. I think the feminism I supported has achieved its aims. Women are abandoning it in their droves and as is the case with most things, the last remainers tend to be the most fanatical.

Things like 'the patriarchy', 'micro-agressions', 'safe spaces' and 'internalised misogyny' were when I reached peak-feminism.

I think that sometimes bad things happen to good people and I think that this is sometimes because of their sex. Isolated incidents are not what feminism was about. It was about changing society. We won the war and it's time to enjoy it.

For what it's worth, I think that my ideas are shaped somewhat by my belief in gender. It accounts for many statistically apparent disparities. I think that as long as barriers are removed so that anyone can achieve anything they have the ability or talent to do, we can be happy. I would go out of my way to support anyone after a STEM career, for example, but I don't think we should aim for a 50:50 workforce. Interestingly, countries with higher levels of sexual equality have fewer women going into STEM.

Sorry. A ramble. I've been doing other jobs in between.

Out of interest, do you believe that if you surveyed British adults, there would be a fairly even split in the sexes as to who could change a wheel? I don't think there would.

*no one has ever yet told me why this is a derisive term

Trills · 23/03/2017 08:29

modern feminism is nasty, man hating and extreme

Feminists have been called man-haters for decades.

We must be nearly up to a century by now.

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