In thinking ds is too young for a funeral?

[MrsCobain]

Dh's Granny is about to pass away and a couple of the family have made comments about how they expect ds to go.

I'm all for children having healthy relationships and expectations of death and not being lied to etc but I just think 3.5 is too young. Add to that the fact that he is an extremely full on and energetic kid and the trip there will have meant spending 5 hours in the car and I think it's a recipe for disaster.

Dh thinks I should take him but will respect my decision if I put my foot down and say no. Mil and fil will be annoyed if ds doesn't go. Wwyd?

If your DH wasn't close to his gran and your ds didn't know her, you are anticipating it being very formal, it will require 5 hours in the car and your ds is badly behaved (or has undiagnosed ADHD?) perhaps it isn't a good idea.

We are usually guided by what next of kin want and whether the children knew the deceased.

For that reason we took our then 7, 5 and 2 year olds to she's grandmother's funeral. I took the youngest out when he started singing the wrong song loudly when the piano started playing and we walked around the graveyard, which was empt, til the end of the service. The 5 and 7 year old sat quietly without trouble.

A lot of the mostly elderly people at the wake made a big fuss of the children and said how lovely it was they were there and how dh's grandmother would have been pleased.

The children weren't at all upset, just a bit subdued. She was almost 90 and had already outlived one of her children and all her siblings, so it wasn't an occasion of violent or extreme grief, more nostalgic and wistful. That's often how very elderly people's funerals are.

I must say being energetic and being unable to sit still when it is clearly appreciate don't go together. We were asked to make DS1 run laps before he went into Kindergarten when he was 3-6 as he was otherwise too "full power" but he could sit still through a half hour funeral - the atmosphere influences the child and they know when to be calm. If your DS really is bouncing off the walls absolutely regardless of where he is and whether you've made sure he's just had an hour outdoors running about, then perhaps it is worth looking into whether there are any strategies to help him rather than accepting it as his age.

Knifegrinder

Yes, exactly.

It's very likely that my beloved granddad, who is 87 and has dementia and numerous physical health concerns, will not be with us much longer and it being my first funeral just adds another level of upset to how I'll undoubtedly feel when he passes.

MrsCobain is there no way to leave earlier/ drive overnight? A 5 hour non stop car journey is a pretty unsuitable idea for a 3.5 year old regardless of the funeral, unless it will be overnight and he is likely to sleep.