In thinking ds is too young for a funeral?

[MrsCobain]

Dh's Granny is about to pass away and a couple of the family have made comments about how they expect ds to go.

I'm all for children having healthy relationships and expectations of death and not being lied to etc but I just think 3.5 is too young. Add to that the fact that he is an extremely full on and energetic kid and the trip there will have meant spending 5 hours in the car and I think it's a recipe for disaster.

Dh thinks I should take him but will respect my decision if I put my foot down and say no. Mil and fil will be annoyed if ds doesn't go. Wwyd?

I agree with backforgood around 10 or maybe older depending on child. I asked my then 11 and 13 year olds whether or not they wanted to go to GF's both said yes but both were upset. Don't be pressurised OP it's a lot for a child so young and hard for parents to deal with a young child in these circs.

I brought my 4 boys aged between 7 and 9 months to my dad's funeral. It was fine. They are used to going to church though.

My son is four and has been to three funerals a short haul flight away, two of those when he was aged three. People were delighted to have him present, he wasn't freaked out by the bodies, and rather enjoyed himself. These were big Catholic three-parters with a funeral mass and wake. It wouldn't occur to me not to take him.

When my dad died almost 5yrs ago my DD's were 5 and 18 months. Neither came to the funeral however they did come to the wake after we had been to the crem.

I felt at that age they was too young and we said goodbye to him in our own way before the service.

Mine have been to funerals from a young age. Death is a part of life and all that.

It's entirely your choice, travelling to see all the family but not attending the service is also fine imho. Staying home is fine too. Do what is best for you and your child.

He's pretty sensitive so I think he'll be upset by everyone crying.

He's also in full asshole mode at the moment. I've had to leave playgroups recently as he's been running around yelling his head off and smashing things. He also thinks it's funny to be inappropriate just at the wrong time (dh laughs and this has cemented this behaviour .)

This is by far the hardest time I've had with him so far, he's up at 4.30am and doesn't go to sleep until around 10pm, and when he's awake he's full pelt the entire time. Fine and just part of who he is at the moment but completely inappropriate for a very somber funeral I think.

I've decided not to take him and need to phrase it right to the in laws. Fil is a bit of a hippy and wouldn't mind at all if he was crazy but the rest of the family are VERY uptight. That's why it's difficult, I'd like to go for him but there are others to consider.

Re OP, you've made your decision and only you know if it fits with your family.
However, I don't understand other posters issues with funerals. People die, it's a fact of life. In my opinion, if you'd take your child to a wedding then a funeral is no different.
My DD attended the funeral of her great uncle when she was 5, she coped really well and has a much better understanding of death as a result (I feel)
I took her to her first funeral when she was 3, she had no idea what was happening and talked incessantly so I took her out. No big deal.

I agree Mari. My Mum was very weird about death and that's what makes me second guess things like this.

When they put my dog down they told me he'd gone on holiday and would be back in a while.

When our dog killed one of the chickens I showed ds (who was almost 3). We buried it together. Dh was FURIOUS and thought I was being really weird and twisted.

I don't understand people saying "no need for 3 year olds to be at funerals".

If you don't want to take your 3 year old to a funeral, don't. Don't presume to tell everyone else what there is and isn't need for.

I was 3 when I went to my brother's funeral. Growing up, I would have resented my parents if they'd shielded me from everything that happened, including the opportunity to say goodbye.

You know your child and will know what is the right decision for him. Forget the expectations of others - they are not relevant.

I'm really confused now as dh says there won't actually be a body at the funeral and that he's never been to a funeral with a body present and Americans don't do that.

I'm American and I have never been to a funeral (and living in the South, I have been to many as it is often expected) where there was not a body present. So Americans do have bodies at funerals, although nearly every one I have been to recently had a closed casket.
I don't have much experience of Christian Science funerals though.

I think you are doing the right thing, OP. I do think it's fine for children to go to funerals, but I think it's generally best if they are a bit older than your DS.

My grandad died when i was 5, i know he was cremated, but i have no idea if there was a service, or if i went or not. Your son is still under the typical age where your brain is developed enough to create long term memories so the chances are even if you take him he won't remember it.
If he didn't see her when he was alive it seems a bit odd for Dh's family to demand he be at her funeral. You know your son, and if you'd be travelling same day i really don't think i'd want to take a boisterous lively child 5 hours in a car to something as formal as a religious funeral.

My dd is 8. She's going to my stepdads funeral soon. She's very mature though and wants to go. I assume her cousin, who is 6 is going. No open casket and less than a half hour service as it's a cremation. I can understand why you would want to keep him away to avoid disrupting the service as much as anything else. I don't think he'd be traumatised by seeing a dead body at that age. Older children understand reality far more and are more likely to be traumatised by seeing a dead body than your ds at 3.

Senca- ok that makes more sense. I've never been to a funeral her so was very confused that every film or tv show I'd seen has the body present!

I think dh has only been to two funerals and both when he was quite young so maybe he just went to the wakes.

We took 25m old DS to my grandfather's funeral. DS knew who he was and that he was dead. He behaved well enough. Didn't take him to the burial or explain what was in the coffin.

Took him to a wedding at 32 months and regretted it. Far less co-operative!

I was 8 when my grandad died and I didn't go as my parents thought I was too young. My brother was 2.

It didn't bother me at the time but I've since been very lucky in that none of my close family or friends have passed away, and I've reached 27 years old never having been to a funeral. I now have a lot of anxiety around it and I worry about attending my first one.

I think your primary consideration should be whether your DC will be helped by attending the funeral. If he had no relationship with the deceased, I don't see why he needs to go. Secondary consideration would be about how it affects your DH and the support he needs on this day. If DC doesn't go, does that mean that you won't be there to support DH?
Generally speaking, I am definitely in favour of young children attending the funeral of someone they have had a meaningful relationship with. My DCs attended their father and grandfather's funerals aged 9 and 4. It helped them understand the deaths AND they could see that they were part of a large extended family who loved them.

I'm going to a funeral today (my grandma) and I didn't even consider taking DS (2). But it's local, he can go to nursery for the day as normal, and there's no disruption.

I personally would take a child of any age to a funeral. I took my, admittedly older children, to my great aunts funeral recently. As well as having the opportunity to see our extended family, some of whom they had never met, it was also a good life lesson. As she was very old and had had a good life no one was sad, no tears shed and it was actually a happy occasion.

As pp have said people often appreciate having the next generation around to focus on. But it is totally up to you.

I think you need to address some of your DS's issues actually.

A decision not to take him should not be based on the fact you think he'd be bouncing off the walls during the ceremony. Planned well (a good run around after the car journey) a child that age should be able to sit still for a certain period of time, or at least be quietly occupied with something quiet (e.g. colouring).

I am one of 5 children. Our parents died when there were lots of quite young grandchildren. It didn't occur to any of us not to take them (there was no open casket though).

It didn't bother me at the time but I've since been very lucky in that none of my close family or friends have passed away, and I've reached 27 years old never having been to a funeral. I now have a lot of anxiety around it and I worry about attending my first one.

I genuinely didn't understand what I found a deeply peculiar attitude to funerals in this country where I'm from, everyone goes to funerals, including young children, you don't wait to be invited, or have to have been close to the deceased until I had understood this. People don't generally attend funerals as children, or go to funerals as a matter of course for distant family members/parents of work colleagues etc, so it often happens that your first funeral is a close family member, meaning you are are experiencing your first funeral in appalling grief and without any idea of what to expect.

In need to address his issues? Like I hadn't thought of that. Thanks for your super helpful judgey comment tho Hun.

And colouring? After a 5 hour car journey?

It won't be possible to give him a run first, we're time constricted due to where we live and will be travelling across three states so it won't be a nice amble with lots of stops. 5 hours is driving full pelt there.