In thinking ds is too young for a funeral?

[MrsCobain]

Dh's Granny is about to pass away and a couple of the family have made comments about how they expect ds to go.

I'm all for children having healthy relationships and expectations of death and not being lied to etc but I just think 3.5 is too young. Add to that the fact that he is an extremely full on and energetic kid and the trip there will have meant spending 5 hours in the car and I think it's a recipe for disaster.

Dh thinks I should take him but will respect my decision if I put my foot down and say no. Mil and fil will be annoyed if ds doesn't go. Wwyd?

Yes i would take him. I went to funerals throughout my childhood and found them much easier to cope with than my DH, whose parents never took him to funerals. He found the first funeral he went to in his twenties really traumatic as he didn't know what to expect and said he wished his parents had taken him as a child to pay his respects.

No. He will not understand what's going on or why. This conversation is for home and a quiet time. He also could be disruptive and this would be so disrespectful to family saying goodbye and wanting to reflect on granny's life quietly.

I have taken my DC at similar ages. My technique is get their early/night before if possible, give them a good run around before hand, and make sure they knew what behaviour I expected.
I would especially take him if others want him there. But it is your child and your choice.

I wouldn't take such a young child, he won't understand what's happening and it may be upsetting for him to see other people upset without understanding why. I'm all for older children having the choice of whether to attend funerals or not (my dad died when I was 8 and I was shipped off to an aunt's for the day, I think it would have helped me to go). But I think under 5 is too young, unless it's a very close relative (parent or sibling).

I took my DD to her Granny's funeral when she had just turned three. She had already been to many church services so she did know how to behave during the service. I also spent some time helping her understand that Granny had died so she knew we were all there to say goodbye. It worked well for us, family and friends were glad to see DD at the service and wake. I don't think young children should automatically be kept away from funerals but if parents don't feel it's right for their children I don't think they can be criticised.

My three year old would definitely not know how to behave at a funeral and I probably would have to sit in the car with him. I took my one year old before Christmas and that was fine. I'd stick to your guns x

I didn't take my twins (that age) to FIL funeral. They were whirlwinds who wouldn't have sat still nor understood the occasion and I wanted my DH to bury his Dad and support his mum without having to entertain and sssshhhhh two three year olds. We explained Grandads death and we took them to the grave and left flower and lit candles (and still do some years later). I don't think there is a right or wrong way in these circumstances but only what is right for you.

I was the same age when my grandfather died.

Seeing as my mother had an extremely difficult relationship with him she felt like she wasn't in the right mindset to have me there.

But my father took me to see him where he was laid. It wasn't treaumatic or anything like that.

My younger half-brother was about 5 (ish) when his grandfather died. I think for him personally it made it in a way "easier" because it was a formalised way to say goodbye.

However, you know what's best for your son. So, do what you believe is right.

We chose not to take our DC to FIL's funeral at the end of January. They were 2.11 and 4.8.

My Dd was 15 months when my MIL died and she came to the funeral. My partner really wanted her there, so I just went with that. I was ready to whisk her away if she kicked off though.

When FIL died we considered not taking two sons to the funeral until the 11 year old said if he did not go Papa would think he did not love him. That broke me up. My friend looked after my younger son aged 8, the 11 year old came to the service but not the internment a friend took him back to her house whilst we did that.

I would say only take him if you are confident that all the mourners would be accepting of some age appropriate behaviour from him - behaviour that might not be entirely respectful of the occasion.

My cousin was keen for her wedding to be child friendly and strongly encouraged people to bring their children. Despite this I'm not sure she appreciated my, then 3 year old DS, being excited by a stained glass picture of a dove and shouting "big fat pigeon!" repeatedly as she took her vows! Followed by the wailing as he was picked up and carried from the church.

If your DH's family would be okay with that kind of behaviour and DH wants to take him then you may want to consider taking plenty of food and toys as he might find the whole day long and tedious.

I'm really confused now as dh says there won't actually be a body at the funeral and that he's never been to a funeral with a body present and Americans don't do that.

Not sure if he's maybe only been to the wake parts and is bit confused.

I've taken both mine to funerals as babies but didn't take my 2 and a half yr old to his great granny's funeral as it was at mid nap time, he would've been overtired, overwhelmed by all the people and would have had a strop. My DH needed to look after his mum not help with the kids so I stayed at home with them. Toddlers and important events are not a good mix, they sense your fear!

DD attended my mum's funeral just after her third birthday, she understood what had happened, and we explained what the funeral was all about, she was well behaved although did cry during the eulogies (many people did) she was very close to my mum, and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

My friend attended with her DD (18 months) and she stepped out briefly when her DD became unsettled and no one judged her for either bringing a young child, nor stepping out.

When my mum died we all went to the funeral. Eldest was 8, middle one was 6 and youngest was 3. We explained it all to them and they all behaved amazingly. It was a 4 hour drive away but we stayed over locally the nights either side. I didn't take any of the kids to the crem. My cousin watched them for me. We had no choice but to all go but I was glad I took them. It really helped me to have them to focus on.

When my MIL died my eldest was 2 1/2 and my youngest was 3 months old. A friend minded them for us whilst we went to the service and we took them both to the wake. We called it grandmas goodbye party.

I don't regret either decision.

If it's open casket and not someone you all all close to I wouldn't do it. I can't handle open casket and I'm 37...

I didn't take my 8 and five year olds to DH's grandad's funeral. I didn't think it was appropriate.

They did go to the wake.

Age is not the reason not to take him, but his behaviour may well be.

I was 9 months old at the first funeral I went to, but it was my dad's funeral, so no one would've judged if I'd been a right shit the whole time.

I would not take him. My children are much older and I would not want them at a funeral. It's not fair on the child.

YANBU. None of mine went to family - well, any - funerals until they were old enough to choose to or not, from around 10 yrs upwards.
I don't think it is appropriate or suitable.

I also know I couldn't have coped at either my Mum nor my Dad's funerals if I'd been having to look after young dc - I needed that space to grieve without looking after them for a short while. If it were local, then I'm all for little ones then coming to the 'tea' or whatever afterwards, although that's not always practical with travel involved.

My niece (3.5) was brought along to her GGM funeral and shouted and played up through the whole thing.
It was awful, and her stupid mother just stood there with a vacant grin as if to say "Look at my lovely daughter"

I think it depends on your son. My dd is 3.5 and very sensitive to emotions and facial expressions so would find a funeral very upsetting and unsettling. If I ever cry or get upset she will also cry because she finds it frightening seeing an adult cry. I wouldn't take her to a funeral until she was older. However, your ds may cope better than her.

You shouldn't have pressure put on you by other family members however. Your child, your decision. If he were to have nightmares afterwards it will be you (not them) dealing with his upset.

I would say far too young especially if boisterous. We had family funeral recently the two youngest kids in the family are 5 & 7. Their parents insisted they attended the 7 year old did ok but then got really vocal and loudly upset during the service but the 5 year old was running a mock in the funeral
Parlour and was a proper handful.

My grandmother died at Christmas and we took DD who was 3 at the time to the funeral. It was important to me that we were all there and nan had had a lovely long life so there weren't masses of sad tears and she was quite interested in the whole thing and liked singing along to the hymns - or trying to. Everyone said it was a joy to have her great granddaughter there and it brought joy to them watching her singing 'all things bright and beautiful' and having a little sway to the music. We're lucky she was very behaved and the service was short. My brother took his 1 year old and he was asleep throughout.
Depends on the family and depends on the circumstances though I suppose.