To take just one of the dc on holiday?

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Divorced last year. 3 dc, one now at uni.

Ex was supposed to take all 3 on holiday this year but cancelled. No real reason except he thinks it would be hard work (and instead has booked 3 holidays for himself...). The original plan had been for me to do a low key holiday with them as his plan was something big. obviously now unless I sort something they won't go away (not the end of the world but stressful times at mo mean I think we all need a break)

DC1 will only go if it's for a few days, and to something cultural not hot. She's fine if we go away without her.

DC3 is happy doing anything at all.

DC2 tells me this morning she doesn't mind where we go. But every suggestion I give is turned down. She is currently recovering from a relapse of anorexia so I can see that she isn't 100% in the zone for this but she refuses to show any interest at all. And in fact has been pretty vile about it all.

AIBU to leave her with her dad for a week (who no doubt will struggle but it's his job surely??) and take my youngest who is really trying so hard to cope with all the problems at home and is desperate for some fun (and preferably all inclusive ice cream...). Or do I need to suck up another year without a proper break?

[GrassWillBeGreener]

My instinct is that you should find a holiday that will work well for you and your youngest, but probably take the 15 yr old as well - on the basis that you will be together at breakfast and dinner and she decides whether to join you for whatever you do in the daytime. That might mean loosening the supervision of all meals, but perhaps you can focus on it being a proper break for all of you that way and then go back to full supervision on your return. Plan something that could work that way, then maybe say here's your choice, this with us or stay with your dad.

Good luck finding the right path.

[BrieAndChilli]

Could you afford to take all 3 on 3 seperate mini breaks?
E.g. Take eldest to a city for a couple of nights, not sure where you live but london has lots of cultural things to do,
Take middle to a spa and shopping and stay overnight - somewhere like Cardiff with all the main stores but also lots of little alleys full of quirky shops
Then take the youngest to somewhere fun? Butlins or legoland or just a beach somewhere?

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I'm trying to envision ex's face if I suggest he look after his 3 DC on 3 separate occasions..... no that won't work! I could maybe find a friend to have the youngest for a night or two.

[Monkeyface26]

I suffered with eating disorder when younger and I think the wish/need to control everything and everyone is part of the anxiety that drives the condition. Giving into demands for control doesn't help her. If she does relapse, it will not be because you went on holiday. That said, it is not easy to leave her with anyone who is not family. I agree with pp's who said that it should be made clear that she is welcome on the holiday but not in charge of whether it happens or not. If she does join you, she needs to do so with good grace and not spoil the trip.

Could her elder sister stay with her while you are away? Perhaps with a 'babysitting' fee paid?

It is very hard being the younger sibling of a child whose mental health issues dominate the home atmosphere. Your youngest child deserves a break and needs to clearly receive the message that it is not necessary to have issues in order to have your time and attention.

Good luck op. You must need a break too.

[Edballsisoneniftydancer]

I'm sorry I am getting really angry on your behalf here. How come Ex gets to duck his responsibilities here?

I know this is not my problem but in your place I would be CLEAN out of fucks to give as to what suited him or not. Why has that become a consideration?

Though I DO understand that the more inadequate he is, the more you have to do.

Sigh

[bloodyfuming9]

I wouldn't leave her money (maybe a little). I would cheerfully explain that she is invited on holiday, then leave the rest up to her.

This

Have a lovely time! You deserve it!

[chocatoo]

I think you should go with your youngest daughter as you both need time to rest and regroup. It would only be for a week but make a world of difference to you both. Always feel so sorry for siblings in such cases as I expect your time has been filled with worry about DD2. What about choosing somewhere that DD 1 and 2 could come and join you for a couple of days at the end, eg France, ending up at Disney?

[dowhatnow]

So she feels that your younger dd shouldn't be happy either, because she's not. She has already said that she won't go on the rides that younger dd wants to go on. It. Sounds as if she will try to sabotage anything that makes younger dd happy, which isn't fair, or acceptable at all.
A previous pp's suggestion sounds best. Take her and make sure you supervise breakfast and evening meal but go to a place where she can entertain herself for the day if she's not joining in with good grace. Or don't take her. Your younger dd should not be losing out because of her illness.

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

Op, my sympathies for you dealing with this alone. And...YOU need a bloody good rest too by the sounds of it.

I'm in the camp of making a decision on the holiday and inviting the DDs.

I had a very cheap 10 days in Morocco AI with my DS last year.

I don't think AI is that bad as there is always something to eat for the pickiest person and you could pack snacks etc. My son lived on tuna melts, pizza and spaghetti 😂

The hotels have water parks which are great fun for your youngest DD and you. I would then just set up the middle DD under a lounger with wifi where she can be whatever she wants.

Or perhaps a villa with a pool somewhere in Portugal or Majorca?

There's opportunity to do beaches, lie in bed, go shopping and eat in or out? Something cultural, commercial and relaxing. If you eldest came she could be satisfied too?

I hope you get the break you deserve. And your ex still has to share holiday time whether he takes them away or not, no?

[Natsku]

Sounds like a very difficult time. I would go on holiday with your youngest and let middle choose whether to come along or stay with dad. Or, if its affordable, let middle bring a friend along to make it more appealing to her.

15 is a tough age even without extra issues, from about that age one or more of my brothers often wouldn't come on holiday with us for varying reasons. My parents also, at various occasions took one or some of us on holiday just with the one parent while the other parent stayed home with the rest and did things at home with them.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

No, ex won't be having them some of the holiday time anyway. I'm currently panicking hugely about trying to work in hols (self employed) and look after her. He is using his holiday leave for himself. Don't get me started on that!

[Strawberryshortcake40]

It would need to be a hotel type holiday rather than villa. I can't face the food arsing around for a week self catering. DD3 needs to find food enjoyable for a week.

[Miserylovescompany2]

Maybe some time apart will do you all good? You've given your 15 YO a choice, but, she can't have it every which way. My concern would be if she did go, she might make it unbearable for everyone else as she doesn't really want to be there. But, that said, you don't want her to have another relapse whilst at her dads. So, unless she buys into either option you are essentially stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Your eldest is at uni so I'd agree with giving money so she can make her own plans...

Is there any other family that dc2 could stay with for a week?

[WateryTart]

DC3 needs a break, please take her away.

I have a close friend who has been anorexic for most of her life. I love her but she is utterly selfish and sometimes I just say no to her and do what I want.

[Itsjustaphase2016]

I wouldn't give the 15 yr old too much choice! Just book somewhere nice and sunny with a pool and beach and you and 10 yr old can have lots of fun and she can join in or just sit and read/relax. If she doesn't want to then yes, she should go to her dad'a. You definitely don't need to take a 19yr old away! I did a few hols at uni with parents but only when they were things like skiing/rock climbing etc, as my family is very outdoorsy and they are shared hobbies. I would never have done a sit on the beach/culture holiday with them at that age!

[Twistmeandturnme]

What I'm about to suggest will sound bonkers but hear me out. A change is as good as a rest and this will definitely be a change!

Try a family friendly music festival: a long weekend with loads to do, easy breakfast and food from vans, music, crafts, chilling. If you pick wisely there will be targeted events for your 10yo, for your 15yo and for adults, plus opportunity to do things as a family.

It's only one long weekend with enough space that DD1 and 2 don't have to be in each others pockets and squabble.
DD3 will be overwhelmed at all the exciting stuff going on.
The elder 2 could even bring a friend each (it you are up for it).

Have a look at
Towersey
Larmer Tree
Camp Bestival.
There are loads of others but these three each have different types of music/vibe so one of the three should work.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I could imagine doing a festival for a weekend with them but don't think that will be enough of a break for me to switch off for a while. But def something to consider as well....

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Unfortunately there's nobody else who could have DD2 but her dad. No family really and it's too much for a friend to take on.

[CheerfulMuddler]

I would take DD3 somewhere cheap but utterly geared at her for four days. Lots of ice cream, lots of one on one time, lots of "what would you like to do? Right, lets do that." Really spoil her. If that means you have to sleep in a caravan, so be it.

Then I'd take DD2 and a friend to London for the day/night. Have lunch with them, then let them lose on the shops for the afternoon and have an afternoon on your own. Try and get cheap last minute tickets for a show and spend the evening with the two of them. Leave DD3 with a friend/her big sister overnight.

If DD2 has got a friend along, she'll be less arsey. If she complains that she has to spend four days with her dad, make it clear that it's this or a week all three of you.

[Butterymuffin]

Sounds like your youngest really deserves something for her this time. I really hope you can take her away. Think being calm and cheerful with DD2 and saying 'it's up to you, stay with your dad then if you don't want to go' is the best available option.

[Ineedmorelemonpledge]

If not a villa then I would definitely say choose a relaxing holiday for yourself and DD3. DD2 gets invited but if she's negative it's alternative accommodation with family.

Really hope you get a holiday OP.

[neonrainbow]

Take dd3 to disneyland. She's still at an age she'll appreciate it. Time for daddy to step up and be an adult and watch dd2.

[MrsJayy]

Right you need to just choose it has got ott you dont need to book somewhere maybe a city break so your 19yr old can go tell your 15 year old this is what we are doing she hasn"t been well she can't cope with choice part of her mental illness is negative control isn't it dont let it happen,

[MrsJayy]

Book somewhere fancy* sorry

[emmyrose2000]

DD3 has to be your top priority. DD1 sounds pretty flexible, so she may or may not end up joining you.

I wouldn't even consider taking DD2 to be honest. It sounds as though most/all of the focus has been on her since she started her eating disorder, and DD3 (and DD1) has just had to suffer through it. Time for that to change, especially for DD3, otherwise you're going to end up with her going off the rails and you'll have two difficult teens to deal with, instead of one (DD2).

I agree with others that anorexia is an extremely selfish disease. It's time to put DD3 first now. Plan a trip based on what she likes. Tell ex to man up and be a father and that DD2 will be staying with him for the time away.