To take just one of the dc on holiday?

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Divorced last year. 3 dc, one now at uni.

Ex was supposed to take all 3 on holiday this year but cancelled. No real reason except he thinks it would be hard work (and instead has booked 3 holidays for himself...). The original plan had been for me to do a low key holiday with them as his plan was something big. obviously now unless I sort something they won't go away (not the end of the world but stressful times at mo mean I think we all need a break)

DC1 will only go if it's for a few days, and to something cultural not hot. She's fine if we go away without her.

DC3 is happy doing anything at all.

DC2 tells me this morning she doesn't mind where we go. But every suggestion I give is turned down. She is currently recovering from a relapse of anorexia so I can see that she isn't 100% in the zone for this but she refuses to show any interest at all. And in fact has been pretty vile about it all.

AIBU to leave her with her dad for a week (who no doubt will struggle but it's his job surely??) and take my youngest who is really trying so hard to cope with all the problems at home and is desperate for some fun (and preferably all inclusive ice cream...). Or do I need to suck up another year without a proper break?

[Oly5]

I think you need to say "we are going on holiday to X place. I would really love you to come with us and have some fun. I won't put up with misery though. Otherwise you can stay with your dad - the choice is yours. I'll give you a week to think about what you want to do before I book it."
It's not fair of her to stop her younger sibling having a lovely holiday.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Her dad would need to take holiday, unless she is fully recovered by then. She needs supervising meal and snack times so cannot be left alone.

[DelphiniumBlue]

Have read your updates, I think you and youngest need a break, and you will be able to focus on the little one without DD2 sucking the joy out of the holiday.
Would it be possible to suggest doing something separately with DD2 so that she has something to look forward to?

[Strawberryshortcake40]

And yes I'm worried she may relapse. It's possible. I'm also worried about my youngest who is only just holding it together. I'm trying to do what's best for both of them!

[MrsTwix]

I'd suggest taking a sensible friend to keep the 15 year old company if she has one. Then go somewhere fairly safe where you can let them have a bit of freedom and enjoy the time with the younger one. It's an extra child, but less hassle than a constant moping teenager if you get the right friend. I suspect she won't do well left behind sadly. She will see it as rejection even though she is being difficult about it she won't see it that way.

[MrsTwix]

Or does she have any cousins of a similar age or a little older?

[anotherdayanothersquabble]

A week in Barcelona, great shopping, great culture and then you and your 10 year old can hit the beach while the other two keep each other company in the air bnb you've found.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Barcelona was suggested....I even gave her a guidebook to read. Apparently it looks "disgusting".

[Strawberryshortcake40]

And to add to the mix the 19 and 15 year old do not get on at all. Dealing with a health issue like this has had a massive effect on their relationship.

[grannytomine]

OP don't know if you would go along with this but so that she doesn't see being left behind as a punishment, even though it would be her choice, would you be prepared to leave her some money that you would have spent on her holiday so that she can go shopping for new clothes if that is what she likes? If dad spends a week trailing round shops with a 15 year old it might teach him not to promise holidays and then let them down! Can you tell I didn't enjoy shopping with my DD when she was 15?

[ImperialBlether]

I think you should go with your youngest and do something that she would love to do. It's so hard to live with someone with a mental health problem and it sounds as though a week away from it would do you both the world of good.

Your husband needs to be a father and prioritise his sick daughter, just as you do every week of the year. I would force this - he needs to put others first.

As for your eldest daughter, I think at that age she should be off on holiday with friends. I certainly wouldn't take her and your youngest, leaving the middle child at home.

[MrsTwix]

Is she extra hormonal this week?

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Sorry, sounds like I'm making excuses. I'm just so desperate to get a bit of time away and my youngest is such a lovely age to spend time with and so easily pleased. She was devastated when ex cancelled their holiday, she had already made a list to pack!!

[ImperialBlether]

Yes, granny's idea of giving the same amount of money instead is great.

You can't live as though she's going to have a relapse because of what you do. If she has a relapse it'll be because of her illness, no matter what she tells you. It won't be your fault.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

Extra hormonal? No every day is like full on pmt here

[ImperialBlether]

I had a friend whose daughter was anorexic. He said it was the most selfish of illnesses. Every single person in the family tiptoed around her. Every event was governed by her. And yet after ten years (which is when I knew him) she was still ill. He said he wishes they hadn't tiptoed around her - he felt like his other daughter had lost her childhood and that actually the end result would've been the same anyway.

[Sgtmajormummy]

One to one time with kids is so important IMO. It pulls you together and makes you stronger, especially after or during hard times. No need to justify it.

I've taken DD (11 now) on trips together for a few years. I love doing things geared exclusively to her that she's still young enough to enjoy, leaving DH & DS (18) to enjoy slobbing/TV/pizza nights at home. That's their 1to1 time.

I can't offer any constructive advice about DC2 or XH, however. Just wish you the best.

[Trifleorbust]

I wouldn't leave her money (maybe a little). I would cheerfully explain that she is invited on holiday, then leave the rest up to her.

The 19 year old needs to be the adult here.

[NotEnoughTime]

for you.

It's very hard impossible trying to make all your DC's happy

[Strawberryshortcake40]

I suggested we go to Disney, later in the year to give her something to work towards. We went there a lot when they were younger and she used to call it her happy place.

That launched a tirade of abuse towards me on how that was when we were a proper family and fine she would go but not on any of the rides her little sister wanted, because why should she be able to be happy and have fun. That's the kind of reaction I'm getting to any suggestion!

[grannytomine]

Eating disorders are so hard to deal with and it must have been so hard for you. You need a break, ten year old needs a break. I am normally a bit of a sitting on the fence person but I really hope you are able to have this holiday.

I hope you come back on and let us know how it all goes.

[CottonSock]

Sounds like a good idea to me.

[ImperialBlether]

Every child in the family should have equal importance. Your younger child deserves a holiday AND deserves some time alone with you. Her selfish father could have done that, too.

If you don't take your youngest on holiday, you're kowtowing to your middle daughter. That won't cure her of her anorexia; instead it feeds her power within the family.

[Strawberryshortcake40]

It's a very selfish illness. It's so incredibly hard when two years ago this was the girl who was full of life and wanted everyone to have fun the way she did. There are glimpses of her sometimes but mostly she's gone.

I'm afraid of ruining DD3s childhood but she wants to do things with her sister too. It's so important I keep her happy and strong too to avoid her getting it any way I can.

[Trifleorbust]

Strawberryshortcake40:

You can't win in the face of her determination to pour cold water on anything you suggest. It's not her fault (she is ill) but you can't allow her to behave like a little tyrant within the family.