Mother selling gifts bought for child - AIBU?

[FantomPhairy]

Genuinely not sure if Aibu.

We bought gifts for toddler dn for combination birthday/xmas in December. All of which have been put up for sale on local social media site by dn's mum all unopened in packaging.

Gifts were toys and age appropriate. Dn loves playing with similar items when visiting us so know they would have been enjoyed.

Now I appreciate with both bday and cmas in December, there may have been surplus gifts but we had put thought into selecting them for dn and if we had have known they were going to be sold, would have gladly donated them instead.

AIBU to be really annoyed that all of these items we had got as gifts for dn have been sold and should I say anything to dn's mum?

[MissGoggins]

I'm not saying the op is in anyway like this, but with a young family you have to be careful to manage your own home, what comes in and how you use it.

This is an extreme example:
narcissisticmil.wordpress.com/2013/08/08/gifts-with-strings-attached/

[BathshebaDarkstone]

MissGoggins that piece could have been written about my aunt! At Christmas she bought DH fence paint on condition that he takes DS2 swimming, which she'll also pay for. Having read that, I'll take DS2 fucking swimming, when I feel like it.

[FantomPhairy]

Probably shouldn't have commented publically i'll admit but there was no way that I could see to send the post privately and to be honest, I was feeling hurt that the gifts were not even given to the recipient. She obviously wasn't too considerate of how we would feel seeing them sold on Publically after choosing them specifically for dn. If she had of had the decency to mention to me I could have returned them and gave the cash instead, or better still ask for something they needed or a contribution to savings account etc instead then fine, but to say there was nothing in particular they had in mind then sell them on anyway just seems pretty crap. Also the gift they gave my dd for cmas she kept asking if dd had used yet so it's like they think it's fine to sell ours on but expect given ones to be used?

[MissGoggins]

BathshebaDarkstone It's such a fucked up thing - but it is real. And when you realise it you see it all around you.

I also embarrassingly identified in myself a bit. I wanted to know that the kids liked their gift or adults found it useful or beautiful. That I had been clever enough to get it right.

That was around the same time as I stopped buying things and started giving cash (kids) or experience vouchers (adults).

[Universitychallenging]

You could have messaged her on messenger. You could have phoned her. Texted or good old fashioned spoken to her.

What you did in posted under her selligpost was out of order and you lost all moral superiority right there.

[MissGoggins]

Op, is your relationship with this woman very good apart from this issue?

[WayfaringStranger]

I was going to say YANBU but your public commenting was pretty shameful and you've lowered yourself to her level.

[IamFriedSpam]

YANBU. I wouldn't mind subtly exchanging things that are duplicates but it's very rude to do it publicly and it seems unlikely all items were duplicates.

[FantomPhairy]

Uni- I could have, but I didn't. The issue of whether or not to publically post on Facebook isn't the Aibu here.

[Universitychallenging]

I was responding to you saying you had no other way to send the post privately. You did. You had a number of other avenues and chose to do that public post. Which was not classy.

Anyway, you'd done it so it's was I being unreasonable and the bit about "should I say anything" is disingenuous - you already have.

[MissGoggins]

@FantomPhairy the reason I ask about your relationship with dnm is because I can't imagine you would react so strongly about this issue (namely public shaming) without a back story. What about dn father. Is he on the scene? Is he as culpable in your mind, or just the mother because she posted it?

You keep saying you chose the gifts specifically for dn - what do you mean by that?

[MistressMerryWeather]

The issue of whether or not to publically post on Facebook isn't the Aibu here.

It is now!

That's how threads go.

You should probably ring her up and get this sorted before it turns into a massive feud.

I would never sell gifts the way she did but I don't think it's worth the kind of fall out in which this is heading.

[Beachedwh4le]

Yikes, she was probably less than subtle, but you've overreacted majorly, why does it matter what she does with things you've given them? You have them away, so they could burn them if they wanted, you need to be less invested in bath toys.

Your public flogging was bang out of order. Did you consider they may just need the cash? You're passive aggressive and angry over her decision not to keep things you bought. Most people would just shrug and buy book tokens from now on, not publicly shame their relatives

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

just comment on the post

hey we got you those!!!!! You should have said! I would have taken them back and given you the cash instead if you had only said :-)

[stopfuckingshoutingatme]

ah, you did! ooops

my advice is usually sahit

[FreeNiki]

I dont get this. It is so simple.

Someone sells your gifts, ok they get a £10 gift voucher next time. If they are rude enough to say anything I'd say you sold last years gifts so assumed you didnt want presents.

That would have made her

Now it's WW3.

Oh well.

[fabulous01]

Give money or gift receipts. From a mum of 2 I get lots of presents from in laws. They buy non age appropriate, duplicate things and stuff they have at nursery. It is such a waste and I don't have space. She may have same. I struggle with just asking for money but have had to do it recently so maybe she is same
Please don't judge her without knowing full situation

[MissGoggins]

Has the op done a bunk?

[grannytomine]

Unless they are broke and need some money to feed the kids then I think it is rude although it can be a nightmare to find the space for toys sometimes. When I visit my grandchildren they seem to have more toys than a toy shop and I never buy them toys, money or clothes or taking them out for a treat so I know my DIL won't be having a turn about yet more "stuff" to find a space for.

[StillDrivingMeBonkers]

Just because your child enjoys something does not mean another child will. We used to get inundated with Action Man and all his plastic bits and bobs - my children hated dolls of any sort. These were straight out on eBay and money banked.

Under the age of 10, you swim in bits of tat and crap given; fortunately when they start secondary school all that peters outs, gifts get physically smaller (game cartridges/discs).

Remember, the gift buyer usually buy gifts they think someone else will like based on their own preferences.

[FantomPhairy]

Miss- the purchasing decision was based on experience of dn playing with my own dcs toys. It wouldn't have mattered if dn would have liked it anyway they didn't even get to look at it before it was sold.

She does have form for being rude in general e.g. gp offered to purchase cot, Dnm then chose matching items and guilt tripped gp into agreeing to purchase despite putting them in debt all the while demanding payment for items such as pint of milk upfront before they would agree to get it (they are not struggling for money). Justification for extra spend was that previous dc had had money spent on them for birthdays etc prior to dn coming along so it was only fair they spend x amount now. So whilst she i am civil with her she is not one of my favourite relatives.

To summarise; thank you to all who have contributed to this thread. I can see iwbu to publically comment on social media. Whilst I can appreciate potential reasons for sale I can't help but feel annoyed that it was done so disrespectfully and without dn even being given the opportunity to enjoy the gifts.

[Sparklyglitter]

Take your niece out for an outing rather than buying gifts? It will give the parents a bit of time off and if you want to by your niece something you can get it while you are out?????

[funkky]

I'd re gift or donate but will not sell stuff we were given. Think it's a bit rude.

[Jaxhog]

No more pressies for dn then!

If you don't want them, at least be subtle about it. Selling on social media isn't subtle.

I wouldn't be able to resist asking dn's mum about it though.

[tiktok]

She was rude and tactless to post the items on Facebook.

You were spectacularly rude and tactless to tackle her about it in public.

Next time, just stand outside her house and scream your complaint through the door. It'll be a bit classier.

Sheesh.