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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Judgemental mothers at playgroup

85 replies

andshewillbeloved · 21/03/2017 13:25

Took dd to playgroup this morning. She is 2.5 and not toilet trained yet - tried and she isn't ready. Went to change her nappy and another mum gave a disapproving look and asked how old she was. I told her and her response was 'wow she's a big 2 year old' plus judgemental bitchy look.

AIBU to think she should mind her own fucking business?

OP posts:
pointstaken · 21/03/2017 15:35

the age of potty training has nothing to do with parenting skills, it's down to the child. Being smug and judgmental about something that has nothing to do with you is pathetic really. You have to pity these mums who can only find pride in little things like that. They must have such a sad life.

Original poster
andshewillbeloved · 21/03/2017 15:36

There's a side room with changing mats etc and she was in there with her ds.

OP posts:
DixieNormas · 21/03/2017 15:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ZilphasHatpin · 21/03/2017 15:39

Regardless of whether there actually was any look or not, Op who benefits from you being pissed off about this?

toomuchtooold · 21/03/2017 15:39

What is this thing that everyone has right now about calling funny looks into question? I reckon when someone comes onto AIBU with a funny look story it's implicit that they're not 100% sure whether the other person was being unpleasant or not, that's what makes it so unsettling. Coming on AIBU should be the healthy thing to do because you can just check your own behaviour was acceptable/ there's nothing wrong with havinga 2.5yo in nappies or whatever and say to yourself "well whatever that was, it's not my fault and not my problem." But what actually happens is that 200 people ignore the actual scenario and gaslight you about the funny look.

BeMorePanda · 21/03/2017 15:46

I find it really hard not to give the parents of big kids in nappies (my own family included) judgy looks. But I do try really hard not to clearly much harder that they try to toilet train their NT DC

My family are hardened to looks though.

nat73 · 21/03/2017 15:52

Both my kids were 3 when we potty trained them. Much easier and quicker to do when they are older. Can't stand the idea of walking around with a portable potty and poo bags etc. A friend of mine potty trained her child at 18 months but he is still wetting his bed every night at age 7. Tell these people to wind their necks in...

nat73 · 21/03/2017 15:55

Want2bSupermum I like the sound of your Dad!

CaliforniaHorcrux · 21/03/2017 15:59

pointstaken yeh I could do with a right scrap with a feminist bring it on Grin

1horatio · 21/03/2017 15:59

Dixie

Exactly.

Oh, and Op. Despite needing nightunderwear until 7?
He was a very bright, intelligent and well-adjusted child with many friends.

And the peeing issue was resolved as well
And nowadays? Goes to uni, has a girlfriend, is a solo singer for the uni's choire, is in a local sports team...

Shrug it off. You did nothing wrong, whatever her issue was... It's obviously her being just her weird/nasty.

catkind · 21/03/2017 16:02

9 times out of 10 when person A thinks person B is giving them a funny look they're actually just daydreaming or trying not to sneeze or thinking about work. It's a hypothesis worth floating.

Trifleorbust · 21/03/2017 16:02

Well, actually there are some kids who have life-long continence issues and who will never be 'toilet trained' as we understand the term. Strangers need to be careful with their assumptions. But even says that, she didn't actually say anything other than that he is big for his age.

DalaHorse · 21/03/2017 16:05

This potty training amuses me. Lots of kids under 3 maybe be using a potty, but they are in no way potty trained in terms of no accidents, pulling pants up and down by themselves, wiping own bottoms and washing hands properly afterwards.

For this reason I waited with all my kids until they were well over 3 and then potty trained them in 2-3 weeks, by week 4 they were going on the toilet, no potty. And washing hands and all that jazz. Accidents counted on three fingers for each child, so next to zero.

Pretty much everyone was asking "oh is your 3yo not on the potty yet?" I was "no. I'll do it when they are properly ready." I did and they were. Everyone and their opinion can bugger off, you do what's right when it's right.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 21/03/2017 16:07

Oh god, another one in the MN epidemic of "looking".

When will it all end?

DalaHorse · 21/03/2017 16:08

Also, I think as long as they are properly toilet trained by school start then it's all fine. Plenty of 4yo still need help/get it wrong. Why are people so obsessed by potty training? Let it naturally.

DalaHorse · 21/03/2017 16:08

*happen

splendide · 21/03/2017 16:13

BeMorePanda What counts as a big kid?

SomethingBorrowed · 21/03/2017 16:15

OP did you answer her by saying your DD was 2 or 2.5?
If you said 2 maybe she was just saying she looks big for a just-turned-2

(I potty trained my DC at around 2.5 so no judgment at all from me)

BeMorePanda · 21/03/2017 16:19

Probably anyone past their 2nd birthday.

Disclaimer DD2 wasn't potty trained until 2.5 and I do try not to give the judgy face - it just seems to be internally programmed in me.
At the same time I am mentally having "the talk" with myself Grin

However I do know LOADS of people who think their kids will potty train themselves and it will somehow just happen without any effort or involvement from their part - doesn't even occur to them to try.

And really apart from feeling a bit sad for the kids and the environment (all those unnecessary nappies being used), I really don't care.

Original poster
andshewillbeloved · 21/03/2017 16:20

A toddler is not a 'big kid'.

OP posts:
splendide · 21/03/2017 16:23

So were you permanently giving yourself a judgy face about your DD2? How weird.

DS is about 2.5 and I do feel guilty he's not trained yet but none of my NCT group (8 of us) have potty trained yet - maybe we're a particularly slow group!

MrsBobDylan · 21/03/2017 16:25

I can't see that the 'big' comment was definitely linked to toilet training. I would have assumed that they were saying my dc was tall for their age.

I also think having a child who is 2.5 and in nappies is pretty standard and wouldnt really attract much attention.

catkind · 21/03/2017 16:25

Why are people so obsessed by potty training?
You could just as well ask why are people so obsessed with using nappies. There are no prizes for the youngest PT, there are also no prizes for PT with the least accidents/help. For us helping DC2 on the loo was much less trouble than cleaning up DC1's smelly sat on poo nappies, so early PT was the winner. But it's completely a matter of preference and I expect it depends on the child's personality too.

You'll only get a judgy look from me if your child is running around in a smelly nappy and not being changed. That is yuck.

springflowers11 · 21/03/2017 16:26

she was making conversation FGSl

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2017 16:28

Dd trained herself, if I recall correctly, when she was almost 3. Its much easier that way. I'd tried a couple of times when she was younger but she didn't get it. Then one day she got up with a wet nappy, poo'd in the next one then ripped off her third saying "I not wear nappies no more, I big". She didn't have any accidents apart from the occasional waiting too long to wee because she was engrossed in an activity. I'm all for waiting until the child is ready and yes, some people never completely are due to continence issues.

I also read catkind's post with interest that we are often daydreaming or trying not to sneeze or thinking about work (or some such thing) when we give a funny look. Perhaps worth thinking about.

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