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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Judgemental mothers at playgroup

85 replies

andshewillbeloved · 21/03/2017 13:25

Took dd to playgroup this morning. She is 2.5 and not toilet trained yet - tried and she isn't ready. Went to change her nappy and another mum gave a disapproving look and asked how old she was. I told her and her response was 'wow she's a big 2 year old' plus judgemental bitchy look.

AIBU to think she should mind her own fucking business?

OP posts:

Iamyourmotheryours · 21/03/2017 14:04

I keep getting this about my DS. 'He's so big for his age!' No actually he's not. Average size. People used to comment on his beautiful eyes but now it's just his size.

CaliforniaHorcrux · 21/03/2017 14:04

Some woman in a baby clinic waiting room asked me how old my son was once, he was three months, and then declared he was too big. He's now sixteen in year eleven and one of the smallest in the school let alone year group. The woman's remark pissed me off at the time and I don't think it's always as simple as small talk or something to say when it can make you feel bad so yeh that woman should mind her own business about your child. If she wanted 'just something to say' she could just say she's pretty or has nice hair or something else friendly

pointstaken · 21/03/2017 14:05

I'd have tossed the diaper at her Why? the other mum did not make any comment about potty training, she just said the child was a big 2 year old. It's usually meant as a compliment, most parents are delighted to tell you how much taller and advanced their kids are...

hazeyjane · 21/03/2017 14:08

To be fair, some people are masters of the 'judgmental bitchy look' (I prefer the term 'Judgy Arse Face' because I hate the word bitch) - there aren't many of them, but those that master it could curdle milk with a look.

Aeroflotgirl · 21/03/2017 14:09

Ignore it, my son was not yet ready at 3, and he looked like a 4/5 year old, so can imagine the disaproving looks.

hazeyjane · 21/03/2017 14:09

....also, you only have to look at a thread on here about older children in nappies to see the judgyness seep out.

MrsDoylesladder · 21/03/2017 14:10

Wotta bitch! Now school's out she has another opportunity to be a mean girl.

helpimitchy · 21/03/2017 14:10

ScarlettFreestone · 21/03/2017 14:12

If she really was openly rude andshewill just ignore.

I'm afraid that your fate as the parent of a tall child is for strangers (and occasionally) friends to expect their behaviour to correlate to the age they look not the age they are.

Try taking a 5 year old boy that looks 8yo into a busy ladies loo. That's loads of fun.

laurzj82 · 21/03/2017 14:20

What a cow. I believe you as I've had some horrible encounters at toddler groups.

My DD is 3 and is still totally not interested in toilet training. I've tried everything. Given up for now. Will try again next month.

MammaTJ · 21/03/2017 14:31

My DS was not potty trained until he was 3.5. If anyone judged me for it, I didn't notice. I really could not care less.

He is 10 and only recently dry most nights and finally out of pull ups at night.

So what!

Grow a thicker skin, it is the only cure.

WorraLiberty · 21/03/2017 14:34

Worra that was unnecessay, there's no need to cast doubt on what OP is saying.

I disagree.

Sometimes when someone is fretting about something (in this case perhaps the OP is fretting her DC is not 'ready') it's easy to misinterpret looks.

A friend of mine always thinks shop staff are looking down on her/waiting for her to steal something, if she's dressed down with no make up and her hair in a pony tail.

SharonBottsPoundOfGrapes · 21/03/2017 14:44

I had ds potty trained at exactly 2. He would happily go on the potty and give me warning if out and about. I couldn't believe how easy it was. I never bragged or said anything to parents of older kids I just felt like I had a more compliant toddler. Then dd1 comes along. No matter what I did she just didn't get it. I'd encourage her to use the potty and get told "No!" She didn't give off any signals (looking intently into space while going red) and she was at her happiest sitting in her own filth (well that's how it seemed :o ) I thought I'd cracked it just around her 3rd birthday. She started going on the potty, giving me signals and actually asking to use the loo. After 3 weeks I "knew" I'd cracked it. We went to soft play and stupidly I'd put her in just knickers and velour trackies (they were great and so absorbant weren't they?) Another child came over to me to tell me she'd wet herself. Not just wet herself but gathered a crowd to show them. I was mortified. From that day on it was as if the previous 3 months hadn't happened. So I had a 3 year old in pull ups again. When dd2 came along I decided to go at her pace. I'd offer her the potty occasionally but she didn't learn until she was 3 either. But I didn't stress this time.
Op thinking back I've had conversations when sat next to other mums changing the nappies. Asking the age is always a good opener and maybe I've said they seem tall/small for their age. I certainly wasn't being judgmental about anything and I never thought that when it was the other way around. I hope I haven't inadvertently offended anyone. The plus side is if they were judging me and my babies for wearing nappies I missed it. 👍🏼

Mrsfrumble · 21/03/2017 14:52

People seem to comment on children's size just for something to say. A woman at soft play mentioned to me how tall DD was for a 4 year old. DD is tiny and on the 9th centile for height... But our kids were playing together and she was clearly just trying to make conversation.

2.7 doesn't seem too old to still be in nappies to me. I trained mine at 2.9; we were living in the US at the time and hardly anyone seemed to train before 3.

pointstaken · 21/03/2017 14:56

If she wanted 'just something to say' she could just say she's pretty

Good grief, do you want to start a war with a feminist who will be mortally offended that you judge her daughter on her appearance because she is a girl instead of focusing on her personality because she is a GIRL

artistictemperament · 21/03/2017 14:59

I didn't even start potty trading my dd until the summer that she was 2.5 as I'd been told it's better to hold off and get it right than to keep on getting timing wrong/stressed etc.

justgivemethepinot · 21/03/2017 15:02

Neither of mine trained until they were 3. Every child is different, so much competitive parenting these days it's very depressing.

TrueBlueDem · 21/03/2017 15:03

Mrsfrumble is right, we don't potty train early here in the States. I know a lotta people think we're just lazy but honestly a lot of kids just don't seem ready early on.

It's like, who f-ing cares you know? So what. Who CARES if a kid pees and poops on the potty at 1 or 2 or 4? Will that matter when he or she is 8 or 12 or 20? I pity these judgmental mothers when they have an actual crisis to deal with.

littlefrog3 · 21/03/2017 15:04

Honestly the judgemental and ridiculous comments some people come out with make me laugh. "A child of 2.5 y.o. should not be in nappies." What a silly, judgy, ludicrous remark! NO-ONE has a right to tell you that your child is weird, or babyish, or you are a poor mother because your child still needs a nappy at 2.5 y.o.. She is still a toddler FFS!

Ignore the naysayers and the haters OP. Fuck 'em! Every child is different; some will be completely dry all the time by 2.5 to 3 y.o, and some will still be weeing in the night once or twice a week at 5! MOST toddlers will still be in nappies - at 2.5 y.o.! And probably still in them at night til 3.5 to 4 y.o!

No wonder some mothers are so stressed, with such ridiculous, fucking judgemental comments from people who obviously know everything, and every child!

Must be so great to be perfect!

Giddyaunt18 · 21/03/2017 15:10

Ignore. She isn't worthy of this thread. You always get these mums at groups like this. It's annoying but spend your time thinking up a smart retort for next time.

Laiste · 21/03/2017 15:11

Nice to see so many relaxed 'train them at 3'ers here :)

I 'did' my older 3 DDs in the first spring after their 3rd birthday (all winter babies). They could run about half naked as it was warm and it was a piece of cake. I didn't think twice about it. My friends were the same. The only people to raise an eyebrow a bit were the generation above me, who insisted all their kids were potty trained in the womb practically!

Now with DD4 (10+ years gap) i felt really under pressure to train before 3. Everyone seems fixated on early potty training again. I've waited till her 3rd birthday and we're doing it now. It's going fine, but i would have preferred to have left it another month or two. All the 'still in nappies?' questions have made me cave.

Giddyaunt18 · 21/03/2017 15:14

For the record I started my DD in the summer before she was 3 so she was about 2yrs 9mths and cracked it in a week. She wasn't out of them at night until 3.5 (or at least that's when I decided to try her without)She was also a late walker at nearly 16 months. Guess what? She isn't emotionally scarred, she doesn't have any incontinence problems and is an A* student.

VeryBitchyRestingFace · 21/03/2017 15:18

Went to change her nappy and another mum gave a disapproving look and asked how old she was

Do you mean you got up to go to the toilet to perform nappy change and she gave you the evil eye?

Or were you changing the nappy in front of her?

Want2bSupermum · 21/03/2017 15:29

I am very relaxed about potty training after my Dad saw me stressing out because of pressure my mum put on me. His comment 'How many 17 years olds are not using a bathroom?' put it all in perspective for me.

That lady must have absolutely no life to be so concerned about a 2 yo, that isn't even her child, who isn't potty trained.

1horatio · 21/03/2017 15:29

One of my brothers needed "night-underwear" until he was 7-8 yo.

But in his case it was apparently hormonal...? Idk.

Anyhow, the point is. It's nobody else's business. Ignore her. Some children are just different than others.

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