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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think mum should stop co-sleeping with her 12 year old DD?

81 replies

windygallows · 20/03/2017 14:27

A friend has always co-slept with her DD who is now 12 years old. They are very close but it seems to be causing problems as her DD won't go on sleepovers at others and won't go away on overnight trips for school or otherwise - she just misses her mum too much and needs to be with her mum in order to fall to sleep.

It really does seem like stopping co-sleeping makes sense and would encourage a greater degree of independence in her DD. At the end of the day it's her business and I would never advise her one way or the other, am just canvassing to know if I'm BU for wondering this. Does anyone else co-sleep with their pre-teen?

I should say I'm a big supporter of co-sleeping and did the same with my 3 DCs but only to the age of 3-4.

OP posts:

DorcasthePuffin · 21/03/2017 20:44

My 7yo sleeps with me every night. She has anxiety and attachment issues. I don't believe for one minute that these are caused or exacerbated by the co-sleeping; rather I think the co-sleeping helps her self-regulate. I very much hope she will grow beyond it by the time she is 12, but I'm not going to force the issue.

All these people saying it's unhealthy and wrong, who cannot imagine a situation where it is the healthy response to a particular child's situation

Laquila · 21/03/2017 20:54

I'm interested, LittleFrog, in what you think is very unhealthy about co-sleeping? Unless you're implying sexual abuse, then I don't really see what could be unhealthy about it in itself. Actually, I've just reread your earlier post, where you say "there's nothing actually 'wrong' with it" - what do the inverted commas mean?

My husband's cousin is married to a Japanese lady, living in Tokyo, and they co-sleep a lot of the time with their kids (9 and 7). My husband's family are a bit sniffy about it, but the kids are a delight - well-adjusted, trilingual, mature, cheerful, friendly. They're an excellent advert for xo-sleeping!

MrsKoala · 21/03/2017 20:56

My friends son slept with him and his wife till the son was 13 and then chose to sleep in his own room (which had always been available to him).

We co sleep with our 4.7yo and 2.8yo and 5mo. We have a super kingsize bed and are thinking of upgrading to an emperor size. They will stay for as long as they want i suppose.

TheElephantofSurprise · 21/03/2017 20:58

Mind your own business.

Dd had her own bed from 5 but co-slept with me until and after she went to uni. As she says, we were going to talk to each other in the night, so why shout between rooms?

GoodnightSeattle · 21/03/2017 21:03

I often think that it's more about the neediness of the parent rather than the child.

This.

ilovewelshrarebit123 · 21/03/2017 21:08

I co-sleep with my 9 year old DD. She won't go on sleepovers or school trips, she also gets in a real state if she's not with me overnight.

I'm hoping she grows out of it by 12 though, but at the moment we're both fine with it.

Starlight2345 · 21/03/2017 21:09

I can also say the thought of sleeping with my DS everynight horrifies me..Despite he is 9 , I am a LP as he rolls all over me , does star fish impressions, Lies on top of me. Kicks me all while he merrily sleeps on.

He would sleep with me if I allowed it. There has to be a very genuine reason. Even unwell I tell him bathroom is closer from his room.

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/03/2017 21:25

I coslept with my nan when I lived with her up until I was about 13, then moved into my own room, then went back in with her occasionally from 17. Didn't have anything to do with anxiety or homesickness for me, more the company, late night horror films and early morning tea from the teasmade. Sometimes it was more like sharing with a good friend than my nan!

DorcasthePuffin · 21/03/2017 21:25

I often think that it's more about the neediness of the parent rather than the child.

Now, how would you know this? You can't, can you? You may be right in some cases, but you can't possibly know if it is commonly true.

Ah feck it, I'm going to tell you all: dd slept with a dummy till she was 6. Now you can REALLY have a good judge!

Laquila · 21/03/2017 21:34

Ah Gretchen, that sounds lovely! Apart from the horror films 😵

Majorgoodwinschickenbeatstrump · 21/03/2017 21:37

What's the harm? My 6 yo has her own room, cosy bed, nice set up... she still finds her way into my bed nearly every other night. I'm single so it's only me in it anyway. I don't give a damn if she does or doesn't really- totally her choice. I doubt she'll be in there when she's 18 in the same way she's not now wearing nappies or sucking a dummy at 6.

Majorgoodwinschickenbeatstrump · 21/03/2017 21:42

Oh and she doesn't bat an eyelid at sleepovers and staying away from me. Just seems to like getting in with me. You hear if adults who hate sleeping alone, surely some kids aren't immune to this either?

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 21/03/2017 22:41

laquila we both loved corny Hammer horrors and Tales from the Crypt. It was good fun.

TheElephantofSurprise · 22/03/2017 13:42

dd slept with a dummy till she was 6
Perfectly reasonable as the urge to suckle doesn't leave people until they are 6 to 8 years old.

DorcasthePuffin · 22/03/2017 18:23

Thank you Elephant! Therapist agrees; dentist is aghast!

PandoraMole · 23/03/2017 09:37

@ Elephant

...co-slept with me until and after she went to uni. As she says, we were going to talk to each other in the night, so why shout between rooms?

Yup, I suspect there may well be an element of that in our household once we move!

flownthecoopkiwi · 23/03/2017 10:18

Have two children, ds is just 3 and has always Co slept. Dd is almost 8 and went to her own bed at 3.5 but anytime daddy is away then she's in with me... and comes to visit at 6am all other days. Nothing to do with my neediness but about what they want and find comforting

Sweets101 · 23/03/2017 10:27

Sounds like a complete non-event to me. She's 12, she sleeps in a bed with her mum, she doesn't want to go for overnight stays.... And??

drspouse · 23/03/2017 10:44

link for you, so not made up.

Yes because absolutely EVERYTHING on the internet is reliable and true.
That link is about babies.
From my experience of living in a country where people have fewer bedrooms/beds due to poverty and BF rates are higher:

BF babies cosleep with their mums (as that link says). Marital relationships are often a lot less strong/important than we would like in the West and the position of women is not fabulous - with a lot of men considering it absolutely fine to have another relationship while their wife is BF/has a young baby because she has the baby in the bed or puts them first. I am pretty sure we would not want to emulate that side of that culture.

Once another baby comes along that toddler will likely sleep with an older sibling or a non-parent relative (or Dad, to be fair). Nappies are rare (mainly just absorbent rags, if you are rich you'd have plastic pants too) so they are wetting the bed. Older, night trained children will share the bed with each other, or with a non-parent adult or teen relative - not with a parent. Most beds are single or wide singles - so room for parent plus two toddlers/babies or parent plus one older child - not really a marital bed.

Once all the babies are gone, if there is not a husband on the scene, or when travelling, the youngest child or two might share with mum, though not always all the time.

And one of the richer areas of this particular country (historic trade links to another part of the world) has a history of individual beds even for young children. Families from other parts of the country express jealousy and admiration that families can afford for individual children to have their own beds.

drspouse · 23/03/2017 10:46

Sweets maybe she would have fun on sleepovers but is too afraid of sleeping on her own?
Would you say the same if she was afraid of going to the cinema or shopping in town with her friends - that it wasn't an issue?
Sleepovers are, in today's world, part of normal 12 year old life.

Willow2017 · 23/03/2017 11:27

MY 11yr old often wakes up in the wee small hours and comes into bed with me. When his dad left he found being in my bed reassuring and it helped him get to sleep. Most nights now he goes to sleep in his own bed, mostly stays there all night but sometimes he doesnt.

I have a king size so plenty room (although sometimes he seems to be all elbows and knees ) I dont have a problem with it, its nice to have a cuddle first thing in the morning when he is there. Much of the time if he is asleep in my bed when I go up I 'walk' him back to his bed, he never actually wakes up!

If he doesnt come into my bed then I am not distraught its not about me whatever people would like to assume its about his needs for reassurance and comfort.

SpringDad · 23/03/2017 12:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

glitterglitters · 23/03/2017 12:23

My mum is sadly no longer with us but even when I was 23 if my dad would go away on a business trip I'd climb into bed with her and I'd probably still do it now.

daddyorscience · 23/03/2017 12:33

I still co-sleep with my DS (4.5), and DD (7).. These days it's until they drop off, and it's literally a comfort and reassurance thing. Then I bunk down next to their beds, again for comfort.

Works well.

Itsnotwhatitseems · 23/03/2017 18:21

glitter Same here, my mum is 80 (I am 52) if I stay over at hers, she has 4 bedrooms, but I often snuggle down with her instead, we have girly chatter, watch TV, read etc...its a comfort thing I think.

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