AIBU to think mum should stop co-sleeping with her 12 year old DD?

[windygallows]

A friend has always co-slept with her DD who is now 12 years old. They are very close but it seems to be causing problems as her DD won't go on sleepovers at others and won't go away on overnight trips for school or otherwise - she just misses her mum too much and needs to be with her mum in order to fall to sleep.

It really does seem like stopping co-sleeping makes sense and would encourage a greater degree of independence in her DD. At the end of the day it's her business and I would never advise her one way or the other, am just canvassing to know if I'm BU for wondering this. Does anyone else co-sleep with their pre-teen?

I should say I'm a big supporter of co-sleeping and did the same with my 3 DCs but only to the age of 3-4.

I think YABU I room shared with my mum until I was quite old and I still moved out at 18, it hasn't affected my adult life at all. In many families family members share beds - often through necessity due to overcrowding but I think it's nice and that she will likely want her own space soon enough, for now may as well make the most of it I doubt she's going to still want to sleep in her mums bed when she's 21 or even 16

Eta: room shared through choice, our house had 2 spare bedrooms

I slept with my mum till around 14. Nothing wrong with it at all. Each to their own

I think if she has her own space, where she can go for privacy then it's fine.

I can't honestly say it's something I'd want to do, but each to their own.

Yabu. It's absolutely none of your business.

My dad left when I was young and I slept in my mums (king size bed with cushions down the middle) until I was 12 🙈. I told DP once and he was absolutely horrified. I used to get awful anxiety and would cry until I was sick if I tried to sleep alone. It was something I just grew out of though. I still don't think it was weird but reading some of these responses it might have been?!

I think some kids need to be encouraged towards independence. I know a couple of women in their 40s who won't sleep in their houses on their own - this means that they inconvenience family members by going to stay when their partners aren't there. Kids don't always grow out of it.

My DD is almost 10. She sleeps in my bed sometimes. Me, DD and an ageing dog in a king size bed works fine :)

I'd never come across so many children cosleeping until I joined MN.
Mine never (unless unwell). I don't think it's healthy for a 12 year old to be still sleeping with a parent.

We have a super-king size mattress on the floor, and my husband is away for work a lot of the time. Our daughter slept with me/us more than half the time until she was 13 because she often felt a bit frightened when on her own at night. However, she has always loved any kind of sleepover or residential trip (usually involves sharing a room with friends), and was very independent from an early age.

Now, aged 15, she won't ever curl up in bed with me, even if her dad is away and we are watching a film together or something. I don't think co-sleeping causes anxiety.

Hmmmm there's not really anything 'wrong' with it, but it is a little bit out of the ordinary yes. Sleeping with a child - in the same bed - at ANY age is not 'the norm.'

No idea why people have to be all snarky and rude towards the OP for just posting an opinion, and asking what others think!

What is with some people? They go on about said person being snarky, rude, nasty blah blah, and then go and be that way themselves!

I think that co-sleeping with babies actually is the norm if you look worldwide. I have also heard that even in Western countries reporting low rates of co-sleeping, it is actually very common, but people don't admit it unless detailed questions are asked because there is some stigma attached to it.

I can't see a problem if both mother and daughter are happy. She could be quite an immature 12 year old and still need that comfort. I had the best sleeps when my dad used to work away and myself (up to age 15) and my siblings would pile into mum's bed for the night. Nothing more comforting than the smell of your mums pillow!
It won't last forever and one day they will both miss it and look back on it fondly, and I think that's more important than any sleepover. So, YABU to judge

Little frog, I disagree with you saying that sleeping with a child of any age isn't the norm. Most of the world's population do it, just not most of the Western world. It's still common here though...

it is a little bit out of the ordinary yes
Maybe in the west! much of that world doesn't have the luxury of sleeping alone

YABU it's nothing to do with you.

Little frog, I disagree with you saying that sleeping with a child of any age isn't the norm. Most of the world's population do it, just not most of the Western world. It's still common here though

Do you have any official stats 'screwinthetuna' ? Or did you just make this up?

I would definitely disagree with your claims that 'most of the world's population do it, not only the western world, but it's common in the UK too.'

I don't know a soul who sleeps with their offspring. Very unhealthy and not normal imo.

I don't think there is anything wrong with it and it's probably the biological/historical norm and probably prevalent around the world.
However if it is related to the kid not being able to be away from mum then it is a probably as it's affecting her social life/opportunities.
Rly don't get why people are jumping up at the OP, being 'judgy' is what we all do especially on Mn not sure why this topic is more 'out of bounds' than other threads about how others parent their kids etc etc. We are all entitled to our opinions on all topics surely and the OP feels a 12yrs old should probably sleep alone which is not an unreasonable view surely esp in the circumstances.

'Problem' not 'probably in respect of affecting the girls ability to be away... Bloody predictive typing thingy

littlefrog It absolutely IS the norm in most of the world, partly due to the fact in developing countries etc the luxury of your own bed, let alone your own room doesn't happen and partly because, culturally, its always been that way.

www.naturalchild.org/james_mckenna/cosleeping_world.html

link for you, so not made up.

You're assuming that the co-sleeping is causing the anxiety but it seems far more likely to be the other way round. If the mum isn't unhinged I doubt she's deliberately created this level of dependence for fun.

i forgot to answer the question...

As a child, i shared my time equally between my mums house and my grandparents house. for whatever reason, i slept in my own room at my mums fine, most of the time, unless i wasn't well or whatever, but at my nans i chose to sleep in her room. and i did until aged about 12/13. I'm a perfectly normal adult now.

My 11 year old likes to sleep with me sometimes, she went through a phase fairly recently of falling asleep with me and then being moved later, everyone comes into our bed if they wake in the night. I often slept with my mum and sister until I left home at 18 if my dad was away (he worked away for long stints of months at a time). I think that aspect of the OP is fine, sleeping with a parent is within the normal range of experience. If you think about it, we evolved to co-sleep. It makes sense to not like to sleep alone if there are predators about and I expect some anxiety is a natural hangover from that.

I think not wanting to go on a sleepover is a different issue (and probably still in a normal range). I was thinking the other day that for an introvert who needs to 're-charge' away from others after a social event, a sleepover might be a bit tricky.

It probably is more common than people think..OP said she wasn't about to advise one way or another ...However the fact when people wonder they get told it is none of there business is why people struggle what is outside of the percieved norm.

I know a dc who slept in parents bed until 10. He is now a nice (if slightly anxious) teen with boy and good looks who is popular with girls. so I personally wouldn't have an issue with this - I think whatever works for people works. Different strokes, different folks etc.