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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think she should have changed the nappy?

98 replies

Princessmollygolly · 20/03/2017 14:16

Just a quick AIBU that's been on my mind a couple of days now. One afternoon recently a good friend of mine watched my dd (2 years old) for 3 hours while I attended an appointment. All arranged well in advance. Friend was very enthusiastic, has been asking to babysit for ages (hence why I took her up on it)- she professes to love kids (has none of her own, but is desperately TTC at the moment with her fiancé, we are both 30 years old.) I gave her the usual day bag stuff with nappies, cream, wipes, snacks etc. Friend and her husband took dd to a park and a shopping mall I gather. I came back on time, picked up dd, and found her absolutely reeking of poo (and leaking ). Friend had not changed her the whole time and the nappy had almost fallen apart- definitely more than one poo's worth! When I changed her she had awful nappy rash and I feel terrible about it. And also a bit p'd off.
AIBU to think my friend should have changed dd? At said park and mall there are copious baby changing facilities. She wants to have a baby herself by the end of the year. She's seen me change dd a few times. She's the sort of person where I think she is just squeamish and wouldn't want to ruin her nails or whatever. I love her as a friend but I'm a bit disappointed that she didn't change dd. It was obvious, she stank to high heaven and was leaking through her trousers- I could smell her from a few paces away! The first thing dd said when she saw me was "I've pooed" and she was obviously uncomfortable.
AIBU?!

OP posts:

KatharinaRosalie · 20/03/2017 16:00

What the hell are people talking about, didn't know how to change?

There's a poo in someone's pants, it really does not require extensive training to figure out that you need to clean it up. Does she manage to wipe her own backside?

MammaTJ · 20/03/2017 16:09

If she asks to babysit again say 'Oh no, better not, she might poo when you have her again and I can;t have her left to get that sore for days again'.

chestylarue52 · 20/03/2017 16:12

If she asks to babysit again say 'Oh no, better not, she might poo when you have her again and I can;t have her left to get that sore for days again'.

Wow.

Better surely to say something at the time, or have a reasonable, non passive aggressive conversation about it? With someone you profess to 'love as a friend'?

bimbobaggins · 20/03/2017 16:20

So what did she say when you asked her why she hadn't changed the nappy??

AppleAndBlackberry · 20/03/2017 16:22

How about "Thank you so much for having DD. I probably should have told you in advance, but kids need to be changed straight away if they poo otherwise their skin gets very sore. It's my fault for not mentioning it but I just wanted to let you know."

Bubbinsmakesthree · 20/03/2017 16:27

Err yeah Mamma . Or perhaps you could just say something like:

"Sorry we didn't discuss nappy changing before I left her with you last time. I know it's a bit gross dealing with pooey nappies - but they really need changing immediately if you can smell a poo. Are you going to be alright with changing her? I can give you a demo of how it's done if that would help?"

highinthesky · 20/03/2017 16:32

memyselfandaye I'm pretty stunned!

Its just baby poo, if you've had your own kids why would you not change another's nappy? I'm the first to get stuck into nappy changing duties, its all part of caring for your charge. I just don't get the selectivity here.

Gileswithachainsaw · 20/03/2017 16:50

When did humans get so feckin useless?

I know!!!

Seems despite the Internet being at out fingertips 24/7 and a gazillion YouTube tutorials still somehow unless someone is given step by step instructions stating the obvious expecting them to do so is somehow unreasonable.

Nappies all have like an animal or design on the front and back which makes it obvious which way round it goes. Face/butt etc

They've re in possession of the same bloody information we were when presented with a baby.

Honeybee79 · 20/03/2017 16:53

I get that she might have been unsure how to change a nappy/nervous about doing it, but surely you would have a go and risk getting a new nappy on a bit wrong or not doing the best job in the world etc instead of leaving the child in her own poo? Wouldn't anyone?

That said, I do think that some people don't have the greatest senses of smell. My DM is awful. Can't smell a shitty nappy at all and it's not because she minds changing them, she just doesn't pick up on it.

pluck · 20/03/2017 16:57

Oh, dear, a disintegrating nappy is bad.

You have to be matter-of-fact about the rash - AppleandBlackerry has some nice wording - unless you just want to refuse any more babysitting.

AnneElliott · 20/03/2017 16:58

She should have charged if if she realised your DD had done a poo. However, pre DS I thought you used 1 nappy per day not sure why I thought that, but I did.

Mynestisfullofempty · 20/03/2017 17:03

AnneElliott so you thought that if they'd pooed you'd leave the nappy on because you were supposed to use one nappy per day?

chestylarue52 · 20/03/2017 17:07

The only other logical explanation to her not noticing or knowing that she should have done it is that she thought 'oh I can see the nappy needs changing and I know the baby will get a rash but I don't care' - if you think shes that kind of person why the hell would you leave a baby with her?

Original poster

Princessmollygolly · 20/03/2017 17:17

I don't think she is at all a bad person just a bit self involved (in other ways) and I do believe she likes the "romantic" aspects of kids rather than the reality. She loves buying expensive stuff for dd/other kids of friends which is obviously very nice but in hindsight I should have guessed 3 hrs was too long as I can't imagine her changing a nappy. What's annoying really is that when I picked dd up her fiancé (a massively superior sort of guy) had overadjusted the buggy straps "they were too tight" (they weren't ) and informed me that the buggy (with hood pulled down) hadn't "protected dd from the wind" (again ) but neither of them batted an eyelid at the stinky full nappy?!
Gah.
Thanks for all the replies.

OP posts:

unlucky83 · 20/03/2017 17:49

I suspect it is down to not having a clue...if you haven't been around babies for years or even ever - it isn't really surprising.
From being 6 to into my late 20s I had more or less zero contact with babies...or small children.
In my late 20s I ended up unexpectedly babysitting a 1yo (parent had to take sibling to A&E) - he was asleep in bed but I was shown a bottle and nappies for if he woke up. He did and had the bottle (fine) then I thought I better change the nappy ...it was truly traumatic for both of us. I really didn't have a clue - worse I am pretty sure now (with experience) the nappy was actually clean. And it must have taken me over half an hour to do it ....
For a start I thought you had to put baby powder on - I found some in the bathroom (why I thought you would keep something needed for a nappy change no where near the nappy stuff I don't know ) - I then basically coated his bottom in talc.... and suedocream - I wouldn't be surprised if the nappy was inside out, back to front - even upside down ...nothing was ever said but I'd like to think she thought it was funny rather than terrible...
I had DD in my early 30s. I had read books etc -but I didn't have a clue and I was so worried about getting it 'wrong', zero confidence.
I think that is part of the problem - all the books etc make it seem more complicated then it is...
I think probably what sums up my ignorance was when I was getting her dressed to go home - she'd been in hospital gowns up to then - I had to check they wore a vest AND babygrow together ...and the vest did go under the babygrow.... didn't it?
So I would cut your friend some slack - she might have thought you changed nappies at a certain time or something ....and if she asks to baby sit again make sure she knows she needs to and how to change nappies.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 20/03/2017 17:53

@CheshireChat - maybe the nanny who puts the nappy on backwards has a charge who has form for taking their nappy off, and putting it on back to front stops them being able to do this?

Aeroflotgirl · 20/03/2017 17:55

My goodness priorities! So they think an unadjusted buggy straps are more important than changing a nappy. I would have told them, that they should have changed her nappy straight after a poo, as a result of them not changing her, she now has bad nappy rash. If you have them babysit again, reiterate that they are to change the babies nappy, especially straight after a poo. Or don't have them babysit again.

elessar · 20/03/2017 19:34

Honestly OP I think you need to take some responsibility for this if you didn't actually specify to her what she needs to do - it's not necessarily instinctive, particularly if someone isn't used to looking after young children.

You should have given her a briefing and checked she knew what to do and was comfortable doing it. I do this even if I'm leaving someone to look after my cats or horse for a little while, never mind a child.

Parker231 · 20/03/2017 19:46

What did your friend say when you asked why she hadn't changed the nappy?

MamaHanji · 20/03/2017 19:54

Yanbu. People who refuse to change nappies when looking after babies and toddlers are not capable of looking after them. If your toddlers poo smells anyway as rank as my toddlers does, then you can't miss it! And I'd be (and have been) bloody pissed if an unmistakable scent of shit was ignored because changes nappies is gross and that resulted in nappy rash!

This happened to my toddler with my cousin. Her nappy rash was so awful that it had broken the skin in some places and she cried hysterically when I had to clean her and I had to take her to the doctors for special cream for the open sores.

Original poster

Princessmollygolly · 20/03/2017 19:55

Ok, I should have "briefed" her. I just for some reason thought the fact I was giving her nappies etc would make it obvious, equally sometimes- like today for example- dd has one poo a day (sorry TMI) and it wouldn't have been an issue, this was definitely an explosive one. Also because all this friend talks about is babies, her baby niece and nephew, TTC etc I just filed her in my "gets babjes" category as opposed to "clueless childless" category (when it comes to nappies etc!) that was naive. I was off to an appointment to organise family funeral stuff so preoccupied. I do get all what you're saying and would brief in future.
I didn't realise it was so rashy (or "old" poo) til I got to change her or I'd have brought it up in a more obvious way. When I did comment, they both acted like no one mentioned poo!
I think that personally regardless of cluelessness I would have given it a go because dd is very verbal and would definitely have said when she pooed as she always does! I have no idea how they reacted to that. Also she literally stank it must have been so obvious. I remember when my niece was a baby I was in that exact situation and I bought nappies and changed her (as sis didn't even give me any! )
I don't know if as this was a while ago the moment has passed and I should just chalk it up to experience with friend. I just feel lingering guilt at leaving dd with someone who while lovely is also a bit self absorbed and clueless.

OP posts:

welshmist · 20/03/2017 20:03

You didn`t brief her, well you were thinking about other things that day, stress of your errand would explain that. I would do what another person said and write it out, I have to remind DIL when she leaves GS for the day what I will need e.g. if it is teeming with rain, wellies, splash suit, reins are a must, she often forgets a change of clothes so I remind her of that. Everything else we have in stock. It is lovely when you can dump the baby bag.

SomethingBorrowed · 20/03/2017 21:04

I do believe she likes the "romantic" aspects of kids rather than the reality
Well, the poo wasn't part of the reasons why I wanted DC, more like a side effect

Seriously, I remember myself pre-DC, was with a friend and her baby, he had a poo and my friend couldn't find a café with restrooms to change him and I just thought why doesn't she wait until she gets home? (a good 30min away). I just didn't realize it had to be done straightaway.
Now I have DC, it seems so obvious.

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