To think she should have changed the nappy?

[Princessmollygolly]

Just a quick AIBU that's been on my mind a couple of days now. One afternoon recently a good friend of mine watched my dd (2 years old) for 3 hours while I attended an appointment. All arranged well in advance. Friend was very enthusiastic, has been asking to babysit for ages (hence why I took her up on it)- she professes to love kids (has none of her own, but is desperately TTC at the moment with her fiancé, we are both 30 years old.) I gave her the usual day bag stuff with nappies, cream, wipes, snacks etc. Friend and her husband took dd to a park and a shopping mall I gather. I came back on time, picked up dd, and found her absolutely reeking of poo (and leaking ). Friend had not changed her the whole time and the nappy had almost fallen apart- definitely more than one poo's worth! When I changed her she had awful nappy rash and I feel terrible about it. And also a bit p'd off.
AIBU to think my friend should have changed dd? At said park and mall there are copious baby changing facilities. She wants to have a baby herself by the end of the year. She's seen me change dd a few times. She's the sort of person where I think she is just squeamish and wouldn't want to ruin her nails or whatever. I love her as a friend but I'm a bit disappointed that she didn't change dd. It was obvious, she stank to high heaven and was leaking through her trousers- I could smell her from a few paces away! The first thing dd said when she saw me was "I've pooed" and she was obviously uncomfortable.
AIBU?!

I'm pretty sure that pre-kids me would have run a mile at changing a friend's kid's shitty nappy as well. But nor would I have offered to babysit, knowing that a nappy change was going to be a possibility.

Please don't raise it in a text, it's not like she can go back in time and change the nappy. She either didn't feel comfortable doing it, or didn't notice. It's neither here nor there that they're TTC imo - I'm four months along with my first and I am no any more inclined to change a nappy than I was beforehand.

Why didn't you ask her about it?

I'd add, no fucking clue how to change a nappy. I'd need a lesson.

Well you obviously can't leave your daughter with her again. That level of incompetence is unacceptable because it has caused harm to your daughter. WTF did she think the nappies etc were for?

She said nothing? Well I would have called her out for it. I guess you were too shocked at the time to say anything, but I can't believe you let her get away with it!

Oh well, live and learn.

She was probably nervous. Have you actually shown her properly how to change a poo nappy? I am reasonably intelligent but still had to ask a midwife how to change a nappy properly even though I've seen it done lots of times, I just didn't really pay attention before.

I'd have said at the time "my goodness, you absolutely stink!" And made. Point if it that way. I personally wouldn't say anything to your friend unless you need her to look after your dd again and then I'd get her to change one before you left them together. Don't be too harsh on her, some things are really not obvious to non-parents. I have brill non-parent friends who are great with kids but even they will unthinkingly take risks I wouldn't and I gently have to correct them!

But given that you hadn't left her with this person before and given that she isn't apparently familiar with small children why didn't you check in advance that she knew what to do?

At least some of the responsibility here is yours. You don't make assumptions about the skill level of someone looking after your child - you check.

did she actually know how to change one and clean a baby. I remember when I had my first (age 28) and had to ask in the hospital how I did it and what I cleaned - sounds ludicrous now. That was a baby boy, when I got a girl the next time I had to ask again as I wasn't sure what or how much I cleaned.

Also, until I had children of my own I would have vomited changing another baby's nappy.

Perhaps you shouldn't have left the baby with someone who had absolutely no experience of changing one.

I imagine your daughter would also have told your friend "I've pooed" expecting to be changed and cleaned up. I wonder what your friend said to her.

Of course she should have changed her. And all this "maybe she didn't know" crap is just that. Crap. No one showed us how to change a sodding nappy ffs. We just have to figure it out. It's not hard.

Amd if she didn't like the idea if nappies why agree to baby sitting in the first place. You pet or baby sit and I'm sorry but you take on the possibility of clearing up poo when you say yes. Regardless if how disgusting or inconvenient it is.

Pre-DC I would not have had a clue how to change a nappy, would have retched if I tried, and would have smelt the child and thought "oh well, her mum will be here in half an hour" and left it.
Post-DC I have learnt and will now clean up anything on anyone's else's DCs.
I bet she'll be horrified to realise she caused a rash.

Maybe she just didn't know how to tackle it? Sounds quite explosive and I remember those nappies being difficult to change even if you've had a lot of practice. If you think she's the type to be too squeamish then why didn't you speak to her about that before you left your child with her?
I really wouldn't say anything. If she genuinely didn't realise or didn't feel confident to do it she'd feel really rubbish that she'd done her best and was being criticised.

Well I don't put too much of this on you OP; what was your friend intending when she offered to babysit if not to keep your child safe, fed, watered and clean? I would say those are the basics.

But look, nappy rash isn't nice, but it heals. Friends - and friend who will (however badly) attempt to look after your child - there tends to be enough good in these to overcome one-off poor form. I would ask about it though, just because I'd need to know what on earth she was thinking! If she doesn't want to do nappies, she doesn't want to babysit Which is fine. But if she just needs a lesson and is keen to learn, hurrah!

I think, in fairness to your friend, you should have actually checked that she would be ok to do a nappy change if necessary.

Before I had my own, I was desperately "poo-averse" - really couldn't have changed a baby willingly at all - I did have to do something about a 22mo boy in my care once, because the rest of his family had buggered off and left me, the boys, and a grandpa together, and I very nearly vomited on him (he'd eaten a LOT of figs).

Even now, after 2 of my own, I'd have trouble dealing with another child's poo (yes, this does make me very pathetic) but I would at least have TOLD you that, not let you expect that I would just do it.

A friend of mine has a 5yo who has poo accidents quite a lot, he has "leakage" and she knows my problems, so she makes every effort to ensure I don't have to deal with it whenever I have him over for a play, or to look after him for a bit for her - obviously if he did badly soil himself I would probably do something about it, but it would be very difficult for me.

Sorry your baby has suffered a sore bum for it though.

I think you are immune to your own child's poo, the smell etc. If you've never done it before and have to do it to someone else's child I understand why the friend was reluctant. I would've been heaving and probably sick doing this pre-kids. Also before I had my own children I had never intimately touched a child in the act of wiping them and this would have bothered me greatly. I have still never changed the nappy of a little girl (I have 3 boys) and I don't think i'd know how to do it. All those folds and creases! Just show her before you leave her with her next time OP.

If she was that squeamish and/or clueless she should have declined to look after the child. What did she think when given the nappies etc.? Ridiculous. She could have asked if she didn't know what to do, although I think it's pretty obvious tbh.

It sounds like your friend wanted to do the fun part of babysitting but not the boring essential bits.

I do think you need to ask her why. If there's no good explanation then I would not let her babysit ever again. Your DD would have had a crappy few hours.

She should have changed her, that is a no brainer. Even if she didn't know how to do it, if there is a child that clearly needs changing you just do your best surely? Better than leaving her sat in a dirty smelly nappy.
Did you let her know there were nappies, wipes etc in the bag when you dropped off she knew it was a possibility in advance?

And to pp who says you can't get a rash that quickly, yes you can. My ds2 has very sensitive skin and would rash and bleed if left in a dirty nappy for even relatively short periods of time while we got somewhere suitable to change him.

*Seriously? So the OP is supposed to be so grateful for the babysitting, it doesn't matter that her DD was left sitting in her own excrement for an unspecified length of time? And she mustn't hurt her poor friend's feelings even though she failed to deal with a poor toddler covered in poo?

Nope. Not having that.*

Absolutely fucking seriously. A toddler being left unchanged for 3 hours (max) isn't great care but nor it is some massive welfare issue that will cause lasting harm to the OP's DD.

What is OP hoping to achieve by raising it? If she wants her friend to babysit again, then yes discuss expectations and parameters. Otherwise it's just trying to make her friend feel shit when she almost certainly did her best.

Did you ask her why she didn't change your daughter?

She should have changed her, that is a no brainer. Even if she didn't know how to do it, if there is a child that clearly needs changing you just do your best surely? Better than leaving her sat in a dirty smelly nappy.

Exactly. There's no excuse. I really hope the OP speaks to her friend about it, although she should have done that at the time.

What is OP hoping to achieve by raising it? If she wants her friend to babysit again, then yes discuss expectations and parameters. Otherwise it's just trying to make her friend feel shit when she almost certainly did her best.

I agree with this. If you want her to babysit again then I'd mention it ahead of that. Otherwise I don't see what good can come of the conversation.

YANBU. Im at people saying they couldn't change a nappy pre dc. Really? Its hardly fucking rocket science. Did you have to go to lessons to learn how to change a nappy? When did humans get so feckin useless?

sonyaya of course the friend didn't "almost certainly" do her best. Her best would be to clean up the poor little girl and put a clean nappy on her, even if he had never done it before.