To dislike DP's DD?

[UglyChristmasPullovers]

About 6 months or so ago, my DP, her DS, and her DD moved into my house. Now, I've known from the start that her DD never really liked me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a woman or because I'm less than approx. 5 years older than her (she's 20), but I have always tried to be civil and respectful. Her DS (who is 8) doesn't seem to have a problem with me.

Now, I'm not asking for much. But is it too much for me to want her to treat me as she would a regular housemate at the very least? To list a couple of her shenanigans:

• She drives my car without my permission.
• She steals my dresses/shoes/makeup and attributes it to the jolly old excuse of "I thought it was my mum's".
• She likes spreading rumours to my DP of me dating other people when I'm home late.
• I like my house being as close to "immaculate" as possible and she constantly invites large groups of friends over who obviously do not share that principle.
• She has a very vile name she uses when referring to me.

etc.

I don't feel like it's my place to tell her off or be in any way harsh to her. I've spoken to my DP countless times about this, and she just says that I should "bear with it for a few more years till she gets out of uni". The thing is, I'm not sure if it's just going to be a "few more years". DD seems very work-shy, having never had a single job in her life. She also doesn't even seem to be very interested in uni from looking at some of the grades she brings home + her attendance records.

Sappy but I love my DP more than anything else; don't think I've ever felt this connection to anyone before her. I just am starting to dislike her DD so very much. AIBU to feel that? Is this some normal thing that people feel when their parent starts dating someone else and that I should get over myself?

She is blatantly disrespecting you in your own home...and your partner is enabling her adult daughter to treat you in this rude, immature way. Stand up for yourself. You sound like a very tolerant and nice person but don't become a doormat.

No-one is deserving of happiness at someone else's expense. All to often i read on here about people who move in together despite the fact the DC aren't happy, and yet the "happy" couple uphold their right to be happy and the kids just have to suck it up...

The daughter may be acting out but her resentment is entirely understandable. As for the mother, wtf was a 37 year old doing getting involved with a 21 year old - a woman young enough to be her daughter and only five years older than her actual daughter? Talk about a power imbalance..... if the partner was a man you'd be getting vastly different responses to revealing your age difference. Sounds to me as if the partner was having a mid life crisis and has given no thought to anyone around her including her children - and you.

You don't have to put up with being treated like that in your own home, but equally the daughter doesn't have to accept you - ever, as hard as that sounds.

IMO 21 is too young to take on any step children, but especially ones who are more like siblings in age than children.

End this relationship OP. You're young, you should be out there dating women who are more on your level of life experience and who don't come with quite so much baggage.

Yep, DD has had a lot of change in her life, but she's now a twenty year old woman. If she feels she needs help to come to terms with what has happened then she should access some counselling (from Uni?) for herself, and it no way justifies her behaving in this unsociable, childish and entitled way.

The simple fact is that she's not a child and if she can't (or won't) live with her dm and op in a reasonable way, then she has to make arrangements for herself to live elsewhere.

Op- have you shown dp this thread to read? Maybe it will help her to be more determined to et some realistic boundaries for her daughter.

But what the DD does or does not do is not my place to say

Well it is actually - it's YOUR home and she's taking the piss big style.

If all her mother can say is 'put up with it' then i doubt she's going to knock sense into her.

Do either of you have a backbone?

In the nicest possible way, one of you (ie you or DP) needs to step up and parent this person. Either tell your DP everything that's been said and done (why are you keeping her in the dark about the nasty things DD has said - it's not helping anyone to do that) and ensure she does something about the DD as she is her DD, or you do something about the DD as she lives in your house so that gives you the right to comment on her behaviour towards you. You could between you do nothing, but that helps no one.

Frankly I would be telling the DD "that is not acceptable" every time she does something inappropriate. Repeat if she threatens anyone. If she gets violent or steals your car again, call the police.

Seems to me your DP needs to try some tough love with her DD.

Not you, you are clearly not in a parental role, nor do you claim to be, but the actual parent, and it sounds like she is the only parent this young woman has got.

I do have sympathy with her to an extent, I get that she has been abandoned by her dad, and now her mum is in a same sex relationship with a woman not very much older than herself.

However, she is over the age of 10 and therefore above the age of criminal responsibility, also able to vote, so an adult, able to make her own life decisions and one of those should be to not drive a car she is not insured to drive and has no permission to drive!

She is living rent free in your home! (I would love to know how you are mortgage free at 25, BTW)

Not cool! Suggest your DP asks her where she plans to go when you actually get to the end of your tether, which is very close now! She might then realise how precarious her position is!

WannaBe, I'm in no way saying I deserve to be happy at someone else's expense. Do you think I get up everyday experiencing schadenfreude at the situation going on here? Yes, perhaps my relationship is selfish at its core but surely basic civility is not too much to ask for? The DS and I get on splendidly too so it's not as if the DC are being forced to "suck it up".

Secondly, and I do apologise for saying this, but I don't think it's fair for you to judge our relationship. Sure, we have different life experiences but I disagree with there being a power imbalance, then and now.

To all the comments regarding backbone/doormat/etc, I do agree that we have been very "soft" on her. But as some posters have said, given the changes in the DD's life (plus our guilt for it), "tough love" feels like kicking someone who's already been hurt. DP and I are looking into options of what we should do though. Bloody hell, maybe we should all go for individual therapy if it comes to that.

MammaTJ, I started young I guess. (Slightly tangential to the topic) Paper trading since I was 15, and then after sixth form my dad took me to open my first brokerage account. He loaned me a sum to start me off, and I became one of those "no lifers" people mocked in uni (did practically nothing aside from studying, ballet, and trading). Add to that contributions from my annual compensation into my "house fund" and the mortgage was paid!

It really doesn't matter how great you are,or how much you appreciate this is difficult for the dd.
Parents splitting up- mother coming out- mother having girlfriend same age as you- all living together is a head fuck.
Either get out all together or ask them all to leave and see your girlfriend without her kids there.

^^This

You really do have a say in your own home, you know. I agree with pps saying you should consider asking your dp to leave at least until her dd moves out.

I never said that you were happy about the situation but reality is that moving in together after only a year is very soon in any new relationship where there are children involved, even more so in a relationship where one party has just come out and the children are having to come to terms with that. How soon after you got together did you meet the DC btw?

And yes, I find the fact that your dp came out and the first relationship she chose was with a woman young enough to be her daughter somewhat of a power imbalance. Especially when she then moves her daughter who is not accepting of the situation into your home and allows that daughter to rule as well as her. If a poster posted here that their 37 year old ex had just got together with a 21 year old who was just five years older than their kids and the kids were upset about it people would be advising her to allow the kids to not see him.

The daughter is an adult now, and this is your house. You don't have to put up with her behaviour but neither do you have to put up with the mother's reaction to it. As people say on here you don't have a dsc problem you have a dp problem.

My parents split up when I was 14, a year later my mum came out and a year after that she was in a relationship with a woman. I was never anything but nice to that woman, she unfortunately had serious MH problems but that's another story; so whilst it was a bit of a headfuck at the time it doesn't give the 20 year old carte blanche to behave like this.

The problem is you don't seem to know what type of relationship you are trying to build with the DD but you expect her to magically guess and then agree with how you feel that day.
You're not taking a step-parent's role; you're not her friend; you're not a housemate; you openly admit you dislike her. You are very close in age. You don't command respect simply on the basis of being her DM's partner. You need to earn it.
Have you ever sat down as a family and discussed everyone's relationship to each other? Atm you sound like a competitive older sister. That is always going to put the DD at a disadvantage because she can never replicate the closeness of a partner in her relationship with her DM.

I'm also concerned for the ds. He is facing the same/similar upheaval as his sister but less able to act out, probably internalising and becoming attatched to Pullovers
TBH I think he is vulnerable, the dd is vulnerable and pullovers is vulnerable and OP's girlfrriend has no business moving her children in with a "partner" yound enough to be her own daughter.
And yes, I am fully aware of my judgy-pants being firmly wedged up my own arse

cantthink I completely agree about the DS.

WannaBe I met the DC about 1 year after we got together, moved in about 2.5 years after that.

Sigh Thank you all for your insight. I guess sometimes love makes us incredibly short-sighted; I'll take all your advice into consideration.

But did your DP ever actually deal with the DD either before you moved in together or afterwards when she started acting up in your house? Because while I absolutely agree that at twenty she should be treating people better if she's been allowed to get away with this behaviour by her mother then she's not got any reason not to behave this way, iyswim.

Ultimately it is incredibly difficult entering into a relationship with someone who has children. But when you're only 21 and one of those children is just five years younger things were never likely to run smoothly. What consideration did your DP give to your feelings on all this?

On the whole when becoming involved with someone who doesn't have children the parent should be putting their children first, but equally there are situations such as in your case where there need to be some realistic expectations i.e. It's not realistic to expect to move a sixteen year old in with a 21 year old and expect it to become a blended family. I wouldn't be overly happy if one of my parents started a relationship with someone only five years older than me and I'm 43, at sixteen with all the hormones and emotions rushing around it must be so much harder, and in the meantime you're expected to just be happy that you're in a relationship with this woman and expected to take the children on. I'm usually the first to say that people know what they're getting involved with if they have a relationship with someone with children. But in this instance I think you couldn't possibly have known.

Strikes me that the only one getting a good deal here is your dp.

She sounds emotionally 'stuck' at about the age of 14 which is roughly when her parents split? Her DM really does need to try to help her with this and persist because it may never change otherwise.

My friend has a dp with two DC in their mid/ late twenties. Both are a nightmare for continually wanting money, losing or dropping jobs and generally acting like adolescents ( and not even most of them). He also spilt from their DM when hey were mid teens.

Unless these issues are addressed and the dd is strongly encouraged to move on you could get stuck with this. She needs to get a job if uni permits, stop all thieving and speak with respect. That's the bare minimum. You have done enough. Her own DM needs to man up and stop pussy footing around her.