To dislike DP's DD?

[UglyChristmasPullovers]

About 6 months or so ago, my DP, her DS, and her DD moved into my house. Now, I've known from the start that her DD never really liked me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a woman or because I'm less than approx. 5 years older than her (she's 20), but I have always tried to be civil and respectful. Her DS (who is 8) doesn't seem to have a problem with me.

Now, I'm not asking for much. But is it too much for me to want her to treat me as she would a regular housemate at the very least? To list a couple of her shenanigans:

• She drives my car without my permission.
• She steals my dresses/shoes/makeup and attributes it to the jolly old excuse of "I thought it was my mum's".
• She likes spreading rumours to my DP of me dating other people when I'm home late.
• I like my house being as close to "immaculate" as possible and she constantly invites large groups of friends over who obviously do not share that principle.
• She has a very vile name she uses when referring to me.

etc.

I don't feel like it's my place to tell her off or be in any way harsh to her. I've spoken to my DP countless times about this, and she just says that I should "bear with it for a few more years till she gets out of uni". The thing is, I'm not sure if it's just going to be a "few more years". DD seems very work-shy, having never had a single job in her life. She also doesn't even seem to be very interested in uni from looking at some of the grades she brings home + her attendance records.

Sappy but I love my DP more than anything else; don't think I've ever felt this connection to anyone before her. I just am starting to dislike her DD so very much. AIBU to feel that? Is this some normal thing that people feel when their parent starts dating someone else and that I should get over myself?

Also want to ask, do you think the age gap is an issue? Sounds like you are very much younger than her mum. I don't think anyone would be hugely impressed having a step parent who has a smaller age gap between them, than between them and a sibling. Again, not excusing bad behaviour but I can imagine she's dealing with a lot and is probably regressing emotionally as a way of dealingarmchair psychology.

Personally, I'd be sitting her down and asking what her problem is with you? She's an adult, but, she's the adult child of your partner so the expectations will be different from both yourself and her mother.

Maybe you all need to sit down together and thrash this out. It can't be easy for her moving into your home (which is now her home) and just being expected to blend in. You are both similar ages, but, your roles couldn't be further apart...

Her mum needs to speak to her yes. Her behaviour is poor and I suspect she is taking advantage of the situation.

The only thing that concerns me is the fact you refer to it as "your house" legally this may be the case, but it's their home, and maybe some mental adjustment required there in terms of it becoming "ours" .

I really didn't like my ex boyfriend's daughter and the ridiculous part was that she was only 8 the first time that I met her (We'd broken up by the time she was 11) but no matter how much I tried I couldn't stand her.

That sounds horrible (I know) and I'm usually really good with children as I have loads of nieces/nephews and friends with kids but the ex's daughter was spoilt, entitled, sly and vindictive - She ruined every holiday/day out we ever spent together and when it was just him and I without her she even managed to interrupt these occasions also by inventing imaginary emergency situations that required his immediate attention.

She was used to getting her own way, very demanding, deceitful and dramatic but of course her daddy couldn't see it because as far as he was concerned she was an angel and in his words "She's not manipulative, she wouldn't know how to be manipulative", she was bloody manipulative and could wrap him around her little finger to the point that he refused to ever reprimand her and instead would indulge her every whim.

She used to steal stuff out of my bag, money, make up etc and her daddy wouldn't believe that it was her; I went out of my way to make her feel included, inviting her to parties my siblings were having for their kids etc but she was always obnoxious to my family.

Then one day she was at my house for lunch and my mum was present, my mum being the lovely person that she is had bought her a few sweets/a magazine and the little fucker said to my mum "I don't want anything from you, you fat bitch" and despite the fact that her dad heard her say it he still insisted on making excuses for her.

That was the end of it for me, I chose never to see him again because he couldn't see the wood through the trees where his daughter was concerned.

OP you can love your partner but not be keen on the offspring - It's your partner's place though to ensure her daughter doesn't disrespect you/your home and I personally think she is wrong not to address her daughter's behaviour, you shouldn't be taking the brunt.

How long have you and your DP been together? Previously was she with a man (DCs father?). Could it be that she is struggling to come to terms with her mothers new same-sex relationship?

You say "Now I've known from the start that her DD has never really liked me". Is it possible that what you really mean is "Now I've known from the start that I've never really liked her DD" or even "Now I've known from the start that we've never really liked each other"?

Just because honestly owning and admitting your own feelings is usually the best place to start making the situation better. It's fine if she doesn't like you, or you don't like her, or you both don't like one another.

Let's face it, such a small age gap was always going to be tricky. Lots of daughters don't like it when their dads date people close to their own age, so I don't see why it would be different with mums. So it was always going to be a situation that was hard to handle.

But it does make a difference to how it is sensible to proceed.

In an ideal world, you're both old enough to own and acknowledge your feelings and work on them, so you can live together civilly and harmoniously. That might be asking a bit much though, given it's already got past that. But worth a try.

The other thing is, does sound like maybe your DP is being a bit unrealistic, expecting to be able to force two magnets together. Maybe you need to look at the wider situation I.e. Is it sensible for her family to live with you just now?

Maybe also consider whether your DP is good at dealing with what is feasible for the people in her life (did you take your feelings and her DDs feelings into account, or did she just do what she wanted). Because that would seem to me to be the real root of the situation.

She is calling you names and treating you like shit?

What does your partner say about it? Kick her out, it's your house.

They are badly taking the piss.

is she insured on your car, or just driving it around without permission or insurance? stealing your clothes is also out of order - calling you vile names must also be really horrible.
I think that your DP should step up a bit here and inform her DD that this is not acceptable behaviour, she should set some better boundaries and, if its not sorted out soon, she should look for somewhere to live that isnt with you. You sound great to put up with this as long as you have done. how does she treat her mum?

She's 20 years old and an adult. She needs to stop acting like a spoilt brat.

In the short term, your room (and keys and clothes) should be out of bounds to her. Can you lock it?

Long term - either her attitude changes or she moves out.

You also need to accept you are not her parent and shouldn't be commenting on things like her grades.

OP didn't say she commented on her grades, just that the grades weren't good.

Its a shame she doesnt have to live away from home for Uni, must be close by if she lives with you. If she did have to get on with all that, plus not live at home, it might make her grow up a bit and appreciate things a bit more.

First off, thank you all for your replies and advice.

We've been together for about 4 years. The reason the DD is living with us (which I honestly would not mind if she was at least civil) is because my DP once had the "independence talk" with her about not giving her an allowance and she threatened to quit uni again (she left her previous uni because she told my DP her course was "boring"). So moving out is out of the question.

About my car, I did have a talk with my DP about it. DP talked to DD, and DD just started screaming and threatening her. My DP doesn't know about the name calling because I don't want to stress her out any more than she already is.

I have tried to form a friendship of sorts with the DD but I either get ignored or some downright hostile comment.

BillSykesDog, the reason for my "work shy" comment stems from how she still demands an allowance and an increase every few weeks. My DP once offered to give her one on the condition that she at least does some volunteer work once a week, but even that fell through. I understand that at times I might be particular about things, but I really am trying to be accommodating. I do not mind her living here; it's just the disregard for others and the attitude that is putting me off.

Sounds like your dp is quite easy on her to a degree. Have you tried asking DD why she doesn't like you? I mean you're both adults or at least she's meant to be

The car thing is fairly straight forward. Tell her and DP that the car isn't insured which means driving it would be an offence so you are putting an extra lock like a steering wheel lock on it. Only you have the key. If she takes it you will have to inform the police, because not to do so is a crime.

The other things, some of them can slide. If she starts to rant at you stay calm, record it, and play it to her mum. She needs to know.

It sounds as though she is not ready to live with you, and needs to make some hard choices. This is in no way acceptable in your own house.

So she met you when she was 16. As I asked before, is there any reason she may have taken badly to you? Has she had to leave her home, did her mum leave her dad for you, is the age gap an issue for her? Was she a difficult teen becoming an immature adult, or is it more only directed at you? There must be a root to this animosity. It may be a case of digging deep and rebuilding the foundations of this relationship.

EdmundCleverClogs, I have thought about that extensively. I am still not sure if the issue is because of my sex or my age, though I do think it might be a combination of both.

To answer your questions, yes, her mother has never dated a woman seriously before. It was a move to my place because they were living in a rental, and my house is paid in full. We also thought it'd be a better move because some of the facilities we have here will be great for the DS who is very active and loves sports. DP got together with me 2 years after her divorce.

We have tried talking to her about the same-sex issue etc to see her angle on it (both with the 3 of us sitting down, and with just my DP and her). The thing though is, DD is... difficult to talk to. Even when the 3 of them were living together, DP tells me that she just swears (sometimes even threatening to punch?!?) at her, and that she's tried but there's nothing she can do about it.

I've seen DP crying about DD at night and it breaks my heart but no matter what it's not my place to parent her DD or put my foot down when her attitude gets too bad.

Is she actually on your insurance though?

Ugly, it seems from your post above that you've tried everything - This isnt going to work - she is using you both, just after free bed and board it seems and not that interested in her degree. I guess you will just have to see how things pan out ( buy a key box for the car keys and just you have access to it) a lock for your bedroom door to safeguard your possessions and try to reason with her again. Your DP really needs to try and talk to her too - could be a lot of reasons she is being like this, but it sounds as if her mum hasn't used enough punishments in the past and is being too soft on her now. She sounds very immature for 20. sounds awful for you - you must be walking on eggshells most of the time too.

Sounds to me like she was an angry teenager who's become an angry adult for a multitude of reasons. Threatening violence is never ok.

You're quite right, you can't parent her. For whatever reason, it sounds like your partner gave up on trying to give her boundaries a long time ago. So now you have a young woman in your house who will never respect you and probably not her mother either. So, you can as her to leave (likely to ruin her relationship with her mum for at least a while, probably will have to leave uni as well), you can ask them all to leave (try to continue the relationship apart), or give her one last chance on the condition she sorts out her emotional issues and behaviour through talk to someone. I'm sure you feel sorry for your partner, but she also has to remember she's the parent. Avoiding the situation or sitting around crying about it won't solve anything. If she doesn't step up, eventually she will probably lose her relationship with you and her daughter, to be blunt about it.

Crikey, your updates make her sound even more dreadful. Her behaviour is just downright unacceptable, regardless of any issues she might have about your age or the fact you are a woman.

If you really want the situation to improve, you and DP are going to have to have a proper sit down and chat through what you want to happen and how you're going to go about getting there - together. No, you're not DD's parent - but that doesn't mean that you don't have rights in this family relationship, mainly the right not to be treated like sh*t in your own home.

Difficult though it might sound, DP's actions sound like they are enabling DD's behaviour - the allowance and so on - and she may need to have a long think about how her reactions to DD are affecting the situation. Good luck.

I would be telling the little madam to get her stuff together and fuck off out my house

So you met your partner when you were 20?
Now at 25 you have a house fully paid off so you have obviously worked really hard or inherited.
Why does your partner feel that you should give free room and board to someone that shows you no respect and is presumably roughly the same age as you were when he got together?
How old is your partner?

Bill, anyone who gets to 20 and has never had a job is very workshy!!
I had a job as soon as I was legally able at 13 and didn't claim any allowance from that day forward. I was moved out and self sufficient by 19.

agree with Edmund, its not going to work while your all living together - might be time to lay the law down a bit - if things dont improve then your both out and we have to live apart. It might be the wake up call your DP needs to deal with her and stop all the nastiness - you cant carry on being abused in your own home - its not fair on you.

You're being taken advantage of OP.
I don't like to bandy the word 'respect' around (it's so overused these days) but your DP and her DD seem to have no respect for you whatsoever.
Suggest your DP and her DC move out until her DD either shapes up or ships out. This is not a healthy relationship. You deserve better.