To dislike DP's DD?

[UglyChristmasPullovers]

About 6 months or so ago, my DP, her DS, and her DD moved into my house. Now, I've known from the start that her DD never really liked me. I'm not sure if it's because I'm a woman or because I'm less than approx. 5 years older than her (she's 20), but I have always tried to be civil and respectful. Her DS (who is 8) doesn't seem to have a problem with me.

Now, I'm not asking for much. But is it too much for me to want her to treat me as she would a regular housemate at the very least? To list a couple of her shenanigans:

• She drives my car without my permission.
• She steals my dresses/shoes/makeup and attributes it to the jolly old excuse of "I thought it was my mum's".
• She likes spreading rumours to my DP of me dating other people when I'm home late.
• I like my house being as close to "immaculate" as possible and she constantly invites large groups of friends over who obviously do not share that principle.
• She has a very vile name she uses when referring to me.

etc.

I don't feel like it's my place to tell her off or be in any way harsh to her. I've spoken to my DP countless times about this, and she just says that I should "bear with it for a few more years till she gets out of uni". The thing is, I'm not sure if it's just going to be a "few more years". DD seems very work-shy, having never had a single job in her life. She also doesn't even seem to be very interested in uni from looking at some of the grades she brings home + her attendance records.

Sappy but I love my DP more than anything else; don't think I've ever felt this connection to anyone before her. I just am starting to dislike her DD so very much. AIBU to feel that? Is this some normal thing that people feel when their parent starts dating someone else and that I should get over myself?

Wow. She sounds like a nightmare I feel so sorry for you! My mum got with a woman about a year ago and I didn't act like this (in fact I adore her partner she's amazing) I think her daughter is spoilt and entitled. I have no advice except to get your DP to deal with it, it's extremely unfair on you.

She needs to move out. Now is the perfect time for her to start investigating who she could flat share with, as it's now that you arrange your accommodation for September onwards. My Son and Daughter have literally this week sewn up who they are sharing with for next term, put their deposits down and sorted out the guarantor stuff me

Regards work shy, well, if she's at Uni full time, it's really hard to fit work in as well, especially after year 1, as it just gets so hard! Surely she is entitled to the government grant of about £400 a month? Both my kids get this and it's not parental income based or anything (ExH earns well over £100k). This £400 plus an allowance from your DP and the girls father, should be enough to cover rent (£380 ish) in a flat share, plus food. If she needs more, she can explore working in the holidays/Saturdays.

You really need to put your foot down. Perhaps if you banned any more get togethers/parties at yours, she would see the attraction of having her own place. Just say no. It's your house and you are currently being a doormat.

So, her parents split when she was fourteen, which is a difficult age for any teenager. Then, two years later her mother got together with another woman who is only five years older than she is, and people wonder why she and the OP don't get on?

yes, she is an adult, however it would be naive to think that a teenager would be happy about her parents splitting and her mother then coming out as gay and entering into a relationship with a woman who is closer to her age than her mother's. However open-minded teenagers may be about homosexuality I don't imagine that most would be thrilled about what was initially their traditional family setup ended and one parent came out and got together with another woman. Add the age gap into the equation and it's not hard to see why the DD has rebelled ever since she was a teenager.

I would be thoroughly unimpressed if either of my parents had entered into a relationship with someone young enough to be my sibling and moved us all into their house.

Personally I think this is a situation of your own making. (As in both of you.) Moving straight in together was always going to be a bad idea. But doing this when she was sixteen and probably still vulnerable after her parents' split and at a time when she probably needed space to come to terms with her mum's newly declared sexuality was a recipe for disaster.

husky is correct about Uni etc - your DP's dd could see how much she is entitled to and she could live on that for a while - find a rental - it might give you some space ? She must know about these things - probably not keen on this idea, but it might work out better all round if she has her own place and has to start fending for herself a bit more? discover that stealing people's cars doesnt go down well in the real world.

I agree with WannaBe regarding all of the changes you have expected the DD to absorb so your DP and you can pursue your relationship.
Despite the very close age gap, you aren't a housemate and actually (apart from the swearing) I'm struggling to see where the DD has behaved appallingly. You are her DM's DP. You are all living together as a family. It's fairly standard for family members to borrow clothes and to drive each other's cars (if the insurance is appropriate). It sounds as though you want to keep the DD at arms' length when actually her entire life has been turned upside down to facilitate the relationship between you and her DM.
I would say you need to grow up. Having a DD means your house will have their guests, it means they will borrow clothing and cars. It means you owe them more time and more consideration than you owe a flat mate and despite the small age gap, you are in an almost parental role. If you can't adapt to that, then perhaps you should suggest your DP moves out.

Gwen
Really????
The op is not in a parental role at all! They only moved in together 6 months ago and DD is twenty. She's an adult, even if she is behaving like a stroppy teenager.
DD should stop the name calling, and have a bit of respect for someone who is kindly allowing her to stay in her house rent free. It doesn't sound as though Dd is bery invested in her university course, and whether she sees that through is purely her decision and she shouldn't be emotionally blackmailing her mother about it.
Op has two options as I see it:-
1 tell them all to move out and continue the relationship with her partner while living separately.
2, Tell DD that if she wants to continue to live in the house she has to be behave in a reasonable way, and show basic respect. Give her a written list of what you expect. I'd make it very clear she's not a 'housemate' as she's not paying rent, so doesn't get those sort of benefits. Also, that she can get a holiday and weekend job to earn some money to supplement herself through term etc.
3.Tell her these changes need to start immediately. Review the situation after two weeks and if there isn't a huge improvement, then you will be telling her to move out within 4weeks. It's her problem if she has no money etc to do so. She can make the choice to stay with you if she needs to, but on your terms.

1. Tell her that you really hope she and you can work it out, so that everyone's life is better for it.

Your House, your rules! ( with DD, while she's behaving like this anyway)

OP, how does the girl get hold of your car key? Why don't you lock it away somewhere?

The other stuff is more difficult.

Good advice from bloodyfuming to make your expectations very clear.

Annesmyth123 No, she's not on my insurance. When DP and I first found out about it (which was about a month and a half ago), I was completely livid and have resorted to putting my keys in my safe deposit box for all of our sakes. I will never say this out loud but I don't appreciate having to be constantly paranoid about whether my keys are in the safe before I go to bed.

mickeysminnie I'm 25 this year, DP is 41.

WannaBe, I completely understand that it must be incredibly difficult for the DD. I really have tried to be considerate, keeping her feelings and thoughts in mind. DP and I don't do any sort of PDA at all around the house, if there's an event where DD and her mates are going to be (like the market or whatever) DP goes alone and I don't tag along. Even when she was drunk at the club with her mates in the middle of the night and DP was ill, I called up my neighbour to go get her so she wouldn't have to explain to her mates that didn't know about me. I don't know what more there is to do, to be honest.

As for moving in, we told her about it a year in when we were sure. It's been 3 years since that time, and maybe this is selfish of me but if it wasn't now then I'm unsure how long we should've waited. What if DD never accepts it?

GwenStaceyRocks, I don't want to keep her at arm's length, but I also don't know what I can do so that she would warm up to me. I am aware that I have my shortcomings and that my present situation is not as clear cut as it would be if the kids were younger.

Also, I am not opposed to guests. The DS has his mates and sometimes their parents over every 2 weeks for barbecues and the like and it's always been great. I just don't agree that coming home from a weekend away to alcohol bottles and numerous party items strewn around should be something acceptable.

Even if I were 40, 20 is still an adult. If she wants advice with regards to whatever problems she encounters, I can definitely listen and try my best to give advice etc but other than that I really am at a loss of what to do.

You need to tell her she is breaking the law and can't drive without insurance (I'm sure you likely have!!) and keep keys away from her xx

Your partner is filing as a parent.
The 20 year old is an aggressive, homophobic thief.
Is he smother proud that she's raised someone like that?
You need to sit down with your partner. Tell her Everything and then explain that she either reins in her bitch of a daughter. Or they all move out.

So moving out is out of the question

Of course it's not! You don't have to put up with that crap in your own home!

She is acting like a petulant child because she can. Until someone tells her to either wind her neck, grow the fuck up and act like the adult she's supposed to be - she will continue to pull the piss.

If she wishes to scream and shout and threaten violence then phone the police. Don't take her shit. If she takes your car, phone the police. Let her learn the hard with if that's her game.

If you don't both stand up to her then she'll continue to wreck havoc in your relationship.

What is her relationship like with her father?

Why did your partners daughter not just stay in the rented home when her mum and brother moved?
Even if your partner had to subsidise rent for a couple of years surely it would be better than this?

Could she live with her father?
Sounds awful

If she takes your car again, report it stolen, tell them you know who has it and give details. She's taken it without your permission, the has stolen it.

Your DP needs to be harsh with her daughter and tell her to stop being a bitch.

Also, tell your partner if it carries on, you'll be asking the daughter to leave. You'll not be disrespected in your own home, regardless of the age between you.

Your DP's eldest is abusing you and her mother and until both of you start enacting stronger boundaries, the abuse will continue. Whatever her issues are with accepting your relationship, it does not entitle her to be abusive and you are doing her no favours by putting up with it.

Don't be manipulated into putting up with anymore of her shit, take back your power.

Her father has moved to another country for work. AFAIK they were never very close either (DP tells me he's a complete workaholic).

mickeysminnie For her DD to continue staying there DP would have to sign on as a guarantor due to DD's situation. And if/when the DD defaults, DP will be liable anyway. DP did try getting her to go look into flat sharing etc but the comments were "too small" and "ugly neighbourhood" so that's a delight.

Anyway, I'll have another talk with DP about it. But what the DD does or does not do is not my place to say. I am also not here to create a bigger wedge between them. So honestly, whatever is decided, it has to be DP's choice too and it has to come from her.

Thank you all once again for the input.

Sounds like she's upset and being deliberately bloody awkward.

Tricky situation as I remember being awful to DstepF when he and DM got married (and she had been divorced for 20 years).

What does your DP say about it? Really it's her problem to solve. Her DD and her DP. If DD has issues with you two getting together and you being young enough to be her sister then her DM should be exploring it, not you.

OTOH lock your car keys away. Driving that without permission is outrageous!

Ah! Cross posted with you!

You and your DP sound like doormats.

She's not a child, so stop treating her like one.

Well I hope your partner finds the backbone she's been missing the past few years, otherwise nothing will change.

More armchair psychology, but it sounds like the daughter never moved past being 14 emotionally (when her parents split). It will take more than a stern talking with her to fix that. It's all well and good saying she's 20 now and needs to get a grip, but if she hasn't dealt with the issues of her teenage years - a time where her parents split, her mum comes out as gay and starts dating a woman barely older than her daughter - it could have caused some trauma. I don't think this will be fixed easily, whatever happens.

You are free to like and dislike whomever you please
However,

1. this girl's life has been turned inside out. She does not have to be happy about your relationship with her mother
2. although she is legally an adult, she is still young which will have bearing on her emotions and behaviour.
3. She remians in ft education and is therefore dependent on her mother. It is not uncommon for adult offspring to remain at home and need the practical amd financial support of their parents.
4. Keeping your car keys out of her "reach" will easily solve the car issue
5. Your girlfriend is responsible for her dd. She has a moral obligation (quite rightly) to look out for her. You, however, do not share this responsibility. You get to choose who lives in your home.
6. You too are young and deserving of happiness.

It really doesnt matter how great you are,or how much you appciate this is difficult for the dd.
Parents splitting up- mother coming out- mother having girlfriend same age as you- all living together is a head fuck.
Either get out all together or ask them all to leave and see your girlfriend without her kids there.