to ask you what you consider a reasonable level of tidiness when you have 3 young DC?

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DH works from home...

DC like to get toys all over the floor. I am happy for them to do this and clear them up at the end of the day, but DH can't even tolerate it for an hour.

DC mostly eat at the table, but sometimes in the afternoon I let them have a snack on the sofa while watching TV, in a little bowl with a tea towel on their laps. It also gives me a break. They get some crumbs on the sofa which I brush off at the end or once they are in bed (6.30pm.) DH says they must eat everything at the table otherwise it's reckless of me.

Sometimes when I am changing nappies I don't put the (wee) nappy straight in the bin because I get distracted by another DC with a more urgent problem. I always put poo nappies straight in the bin. DH cannot stand any dirty nappies anywhere in the house. Apparently today he "tested" me without me knowing and timed how long I let a (barely weed on) nappy sit on the nappy changer. Apparently a whole 8 hours went by

DC pull clothes in and out of the washing machine to the point that I don't know what is washed and what is not. This upsets DH a lot - this not being able to tell what is clean and what is dirty.

He needs to get a job out of the house doesn't he?

Does he tidy up or sit and watch you?

It sounds as if he is unduly anxious

Yes, he does need to get a job outside the home, or pitch in to help control the chaos. It just is chaos when they are little.

I thought no he has a few points.

The washing machine? Putting dirty clothes in with just washed ones?

The crumbs? Yuk. I let the kids eat all over the place now, but when they were younger, they sat at the dining room table, nearly always, because it was just easier, for ME, to clean up quickly.

How old are your kids? I used to tell mine when they were younger, that they could have as many as they liked out. But that they all had to be put away. I made them do it. Why aren't your children helping tidy their toys away? Awful stage. In desperation (inside cringing and about to scream) I sometimes used to make it into a game, put a jolly face on and say 'let's see who can do it the quickest, you or me? .....

I mean, he sounds a bit harsh, but he does have a point.

He definitely needs to stop working from/at home. Home is where you live and he's making life uncomfortable and stressful for the other people who live there. And if you're a SAHM you're working at home too!

My house was pretty messy with young kids but we always tidied up toys after finished with.
Everything was tidied up in the evenings with dh doing his bit too.
I hate getting up or coming home to mess so I always spent a few mins regularly tidying up.
Now the dcs are a bit older, It's a lot easier as they do chores too.

I think leaving a used nappy lying around is a bit gross too but your dh testing you is ridiculous.
Why couldn't he just chuck it out? the fact that it was there affected him more than it affected you and he could've dealt with it.
He's not your boss. If things aren't up to his standard, he can start doing more.

The laundry and nappy thing would drive me mad ( i have a friend who piles nappies up outside the front door all day, and her DH puts them in the outside bin when he comes home ).

But no point tidying toys that are still being used, and as long as the sofa isn't getting mucky/stained, what's the problem.

I am pretty tidy generally but I wouldn't appreciate being tested or nagged by my DH.

How would he like it if you had a look at his work and started criticising the way he was doing it?

The toys - totally normal I'd say. Every house I've ever been to with kids has been littered with toys. That's the way it should be! We have a big toy box they all get put in at the end of the day.

The nappy - he really needs to get a life.

The crumbs - meh, in our house the dog would hoover them up pretty quickly.

The washing - that would annoy me because it's making extra work for me. I wouldn't be annoyed if dp was letting the dc do it when he was doing the washing though. It's up to him if he wants to make his own life difficult.

Our house varies in tidiness.

This morning it's a bomb site, we had a late dinner last night as dh was away for the weekend and I did a roast for when he got in. So no one washed up. I'll do it today.

Ds2 is still in pull-ups and frequently leave his used one in the upstairs bathroom (which I don't go in very often) until I find it at the end of the day.

There are five of us and we are drowning in washing, there are currently two clean bags in the living room, one in the bedroom and a load drying on the airer. It does sometimes get mixed up, particularly when I put a pile in the teenagers' rooms and they don't put it away straight away.

There are toys throughout the house and the kids all eat breakfast in the living room.

The kids are at school so I do usually get the house ship shape during the day, but sometimes I go out for the day or waste a day watching tv so it doesn't get done. No one minds.

The basics are always done, everyone's clean and fed.

Your Dh would be under the patio if he was mine.

skerrywind:

Then it has the potential to result in something gross. It isn't gross.

Well I've only got two.

Toys generally tend to get put away twice a day. Little ones naptime and then evening. But it is known for them to just get left out.

We regularly end up with a little collection of nappies in nappy sacks that haven't gone out straight away.

Meals are eaten at the table but like you we have snacks on the sofa sometimes.

The clothes in the washing machine would annoy me but it happens. Toddlers have been known to pull folded clothes all over the floor.

I think you have to just lighten up when you've got kids. The mess does annoy me but you can't live in a show home.

I have one toddler and much of what you describe happens here. Fuck knows what the state of the place would be like if we had three. The washing thing does my head in, I've been thinking of putting a stick on child lock thing on the machine, would that help?

The 'testing' you on the nappy is really nasty, is he normally such a twat?

I'm like your DH but I know it's my 'problem' so I tidy up! we are quite strict about these things though, DC would never play with the washing for example.

The nappy test would drive me absolutely mad. I couldn't cope with looking after kids and having a micromanager over my shoulder criticising my housekeeping skills. I'd probably meet him half way with eating at the table if it bothers him so much and make an effort with the nappies but no promises and I wouldn't be following the kids around putting every toy away the second it's put down.

I think he needs to change the way he approaches you about this stuff. He's not your boss; it's fine to ask you politely if you could e.g.put nappies away ASAP but it's absolutely not fine to make demands and criticisms constantly and set "tests". If he can't cope with the mess that comes with young kids then he can't work at home.

i have 3 little ones (4,3,2)

The toys he will jsut have to accept, you cant be tidying up all day especially if you tidy up at the end of the day!

nappies - i always throw these away straight away. what about a nappy bin right next to the changer and then empty it at the end of the day? i'd be worried that one of my toddler would get their hands on it! yuck!

food - i only let my kids eat in the kitchen but your plan with tea towels sounds ok.

i think your husband needs to lighten up a bit!

He's not your boss; it's fine to ask you politely if you could e.g.put nappies away ASAP but it's absolutely not fine to make demands and criticisms constantly and set "tests". If he can't cope with the mess that comes with young kids then he can't work at home

This.

It's the OP's home, not an office where she works as a cleaner. If stuff is getting done, kids are happy and healthy, he should stop complaining or ship out and work somewhere else.

Toys I don't mind and just clear up later. If I can get across the room without breaking something, we're golden. Food on the sofa would make me a hypocrite as I rarely eat up the table myself, as long as it isn't messy and never upstairs. The nappies left lying around is revolting, sorry. 5 minutes maybe but dirty nappies need to go in the bin sooner rather than later. If I went round someones house and there was a wet nappy left out, I would be making my excuses and never going back.

The washing thing would drive me up the wall and I would have to wash everything regardless but surely you know what you have worn and washed? As long as mine and kids clothes were clean, fuck dh's. Perhaps he could take a bit of the time he is sat on his arse 'Testing' you and lend a fucking hand.

3 kids here.

Toys are frequently out and all over the place. As long as it's possible to safely navigate the floor I can live with it. Our one firm rule about toys being out is that they're never allowed to be left on the stairs or at the top of the stairs.

Food - as long as it's not messy or staining food, snacks on the sofa are fine.

Nappies - I always put these straight in the bin. But we don't have a proper changing table - baby gets changed on a mat on the floor - so a used nappy left out would be getting in people's way, and it would be far too easy for the older DC to start messing with it.

The laundry thing would drive me absolutely nuts. Especially as I do most of the washing, so it'd be creating far too much unnecessary work for myself to let the DC get into the habit of messing around with the laundry like that.

But.... DH "testing" you? That would be completely infuriating to me, even if I agreed I was 100% in the wrong. He's meant to be your husband, not your boss. If he's got time to monitor you like that, he's got more than enough time to put the nappy in the bin himself.

I think you should test him. Count how many times a day he pesters you about the house/kids. Then draw up a chart after a week and present it to him

Its hard enough work with 3 young ones without being judged and put on edge all the time. I had 3 within 3 years and I can safely say my house was never tidy. There was always something that wasn't put away or tidied up, or some pile of washing somewhere. Its a bit more organised now, but with 3 toddlers/babies, its impossible. I used to just leave the toys until they had all gone to bed otherwise I was constantly putting them away. Luckily my OH was on the same page as me mostly but we shared the childcare as I worked from home. I have to admit though when I was working, I found it hard to detach if I heard one of them crying or OH telling one off. There were times I wished I worked outside the house so I didn't know X had fallen an hurt themselves or Y had a tantrum over a biscuit or something as I wasn't able to go to them and had to let OH deal with it.

I think your OH needs to either work away from the house! Or chill out a bit.

3 DC here although big gaps so haven't had 3 at home full time.

Toys scattered around, general mess and clutter, eating on sofa - fine, normal.

Laundry thing would piss me off but I can totally see how it would happen.

The nappy thing is revolting, unacceptably revolting.

BUT he should not be timing or micro managing you. He's being a total arse. He needs to stop working from home, I would chuck him out to go and work in Costas or the library or something.

We've got two young DC - the house is littered with toys, and stuff disappears constantly - yesterday I had the pleasure of rummaging through nappies and sanitary towels in the bathroom bin in order to find my deodorant.

I've always been quite fussy about putting nappies in the bin straight away, but don't have a table to abandon them on, so it's a bit different.

My two love the washing machine, I have to keep them away from it unless there's a wash progress or it's empty, otherwise they DS1 grabs the dog blanket off her bed and puts it in there with the clean wet stuff.

If my DH started timing how long I take to do stuff round the house for the sake of point scoring, I would go fucking ballistic.