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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask you what you consider a reasonable level of tidiness when you have 3 young DC?

71 replies

ashestopictures · 19/03/2017 22:19

DH works from home...

DC like to get toys all over the floor. I am happy for them to do this and clear them up at the end of the day, but DH can't even tolerate it for an hour.

DC mostly eat at the table, but sometimes in the afternoon I let them have a snack on the sofa while watching TV, in a little bowl with a tea towel on their laps. It also gives me a break. They get some crumbs on the sofa which I brush off at the end or once they are in bed (6.30pm.) DH says they must eat everything at the table otherwise it's reckless of me.

Sometimes when I am changing nappies I don't put the (wee) nappy straight in the bin because I get distracted by another DC with a more urgent problem. I always put poo nappies straight in the bin. DH cannot stand any dirty nappies anywhere in the house. Apparently today he "tested" me without me knowing and timed how long I let a (barely weed on) nappy sit on the nappy changer. Apparently a whole 8 hours went by

DC pull clothes in and out of the washing machine to the point that I don't know what is washed and what is not. This upsets DH a lot - this not being able to tell what is clean and what is dirty.

He needs to get a job out of the house doesn't he?

OP posts:

MommaGee · 20/03/2017 00:18

I have 1 DS and SAHM so really no excuse however told come out and get tidied at nap time, end of day, somewhere in between. DH more likely to tidy them away whilst DS is awake than me but wouldn't dream of telling me off for it. The nappy thing, depends where they are. If out the way on a changer vs on the sofa less odd an issue but I bought a nappy bin for this reason. Crumbs on the sofa I'd train the kids to swipe them onto their plate at the end of the snack but snacks and sofa is much more fun than sitting at the table to eat your Wotsits!
He needs to focus more on his job than yours

ScarlettFreestone · 20/03/2017 00:24

The laundry thing would annoy me too as it's inefficient to treasure clean clothes. Can you lock your machine? Ours has a child lock.

The rest . I wouldn't like a nappy hanging around all day but how does he know it was the same one? And given that you'd clearly forgotten about it why didn't he move it?

I'd be super annoyed about being tested. You aren't a member of staff. He isn't your boss.

Our house was always fairly tidy when the DC were little, but a few toys about the place are par for the course.

ScarlettFreestone · 20/03/2017 00:25

Treasure?? Re-wash!!!

MadamePomfrey · 20/03/2017 00:41

Toys not an issue for me as long as the dcs are learning about tidying away at some point i.e. Before bed or whenever perfectly reasonable. The eating on the sofa doesn't bother me all though brushing the crumbs off onto the floor I presume? It wouldn't be for me (that's just me I'd either brush onto plate or run a vacuum over) the dirty nappies whatever type for me are a no no but again that's me!! The washing machine I would aim to keep them away if they slip past I would rewash it all (again that's my way). However to test you means he saw a used nappy and did nothing apart from start timing you he has the ability to dispose of it too so why didn't he?? That's not ok either!! If he sees something that bothers him he can correct it as easily as you!

MommaGee · 20/03/2017 00:53

Re washing machine surely clean comes out wet so if goes on the floor its dirty again and needs washing. I would try and stop the kids therefore I do enough bloody washing as it is

anothermalteserplease · 20/03/2017 02:10

We have 3 dc too. Our house fluctuates between incredibly clean and tidy and clutter and dust everywhere. Just now I'm doing a bit declutter so it's pretty untidy. But hopefully this stage will pass quickly and it'll be easier to manage.
Rewashing clothes would really annoy me as there's so much laundry to keep on top of anyway. I've always got some mid sorted then I lose focus. I put nappies in bin on way to wash hands. I can't relax when there's crumbs on the floor so probably sweep 3-4 times a day. Toys are out constantly. We'll tidy them away and then the toddler will empty a box down and that's the place messy again.
It's never ending with 3 but my DH wouldn't criticise.

Eminado · 20/03/2017 02:32

I have 2 under 4:

Being frank, washing machine antics would annoy me and I would shut that down immediately. No way do I have tine to re-wash clean things 😱.

Truthfully, the nappy lying around would annoy me but the "timed test" is completely unacceptable and i would not let that go. .
My dh is a nightmare for forgetting nappies on the change mat as having more than one dc almost inevitably guarantees beingninterrupted mid-task. That said, i behave like a grown up and put them in the bin if i see that he has forgotten.

Crumbs on sofa - meh

Toys - i prefer not too many out in one go and quick tidying bursts (w/ annoying song accompaniment 😁) if it's getting too crazy.

Don't think your issue is the housekeeping tbh.

If he has the time to "time" you he should do more bloody housework. Rude git.

RiverdaleJughead · 20/03/2017 02:57

Ask him why he thinks it's okay to time you and regulate your behaviour rather than walking over and putting it in the bin?
They're children not robots ... and you're not their jailer - eat only at the table, only one hour of fun before cleaning, no crumbs, don't explore your environment, no messing around ... left,right,left .

RiverdaleJughead · 20/03/2017 02:58

Also maybe put an in next to the nappy changing table?

Justanothernameonthepage · 20/03/2017 06:09

Toys aren't an issue. But the laundry and nappies thing would drive me nuts. I think you should talk and make at least some effort towards one or two of his bugbears and he should relax on the toys between 9 and 5. He's telling you (in an arsey way) that this is actively making him unhappy and you should be willing each to try and make each other happy.

MoonriseKingdom · 20/03/2017 06:09

The clothes thing would annoy me as would the nappy thing. But realistically neither of those things is disastrous if everything gets sorted once the kids are in bed.

How much housework does he do? Does he ever look after all 3 without you? - for a significant period of the day time? When I went back to work part time after my first DD was born my DH looked after her 1-2 days per week. It was quite the eye opener for him and I feel we have been much more of a team since then.

The way he has been talking to you and 'testing' you shows a complete lack of respect. I think this is far more of a problem than some untidiness and disorganisation.

soundsystem · 20/03/2017 06:15

The washing machine thing would drive me nuts, but other than that he needs to relax a bit.

That said, I do generally try and get mine to tidy away one thing before playing with another, although it doesn't always work!

Elllicam · 20/03/2017 06:25

The washing machine would drive me insane too. I have 3 under 5 and I also feed them snacks on the couch but I have a wee electric sweeper for after.

MangoSplit · 20/03/2017 06:41

I had 3 DC under 4 so I feel your pain!

Agree with most pp. The laundry thing would drive me a bit mad and I'd need to find a system to prevent that - but not because my DH told me to, but because it would annoy me.

The toys thing - I'm completely on your side, and I did have to explain this to my DH. Otherwise you'll spend your entire life putting away toys!

The nappy thing - again I'm on your side, and the 'test' would infuriate me!

Your DH is asking you to prioritise housework over caring for / playing with your DC. Ask him if he really thinks a tidy house is more important than a happy family? Why?

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 20/03/2017 06:43

Your DH is an idiot. Does he realise he's an actual father? My DP would never have a stupid test like this but if he did we would have a serious talk about how it will never happen again or he can find a less messy house to live in.

Your DH has no respect for you and the work you do. He does not see your children as individual people, just as accessories to be moved around and controlled.

Don't let him turn your kids into unimaginative twats.

newmumwithquestions · 20/03/2017 06:44

How much does he do? As pp said how is he when he does the kids?

I don't understand how others manage to have clean tidy houses. We don't (2 under 4 here). I know I need to get more on top of it but my kids are clean, fed and (usually) happy.
Meals are at the table. Snacks are on the sofa or when we're out.
I cook mostly relatively healthy food for the kids and prioritise this over tidying up.
House comes 3rd. 3rd is often not done here (though the washing thing would drive me crazy and I do usually get nappies out promptly). But I bet for tidiness your house is much better than ours!

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 06:45

I would have blown my lid at the 'testing' revelation. If he has such a problem with it, and time to sit there with his bloody stopwatch out, he has time to pick up the fucking nappy and put it in the bin his own big self.

Arsehole.

skerrywind · 20/03/2017 06:48

You are both in the wrong.

Your OH is rude for being so critical, but leaving wet nappies around is gross.
And the washing thing?
Your kids sound unsupervised and possibly bored if they have time to open the washing machine and pull stuff out.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 06:51

skerrywind:

It was a barely wet nappy on a changing table. It doesn't qualify as "gross" - nothing was dripping with piss. Just some fabric containing a very small amount of urine sitting on a (probably plastic) bit of furniture designed for the purpose of changing nappies. When you have 3 kids, that's normal, not gross.

skerrywind · 20/03/2017 06:54

Trifleorbust and takes 4 seconds to put in the bin.

Trifleorbust · 20/03/2017 06:58

skerrywind:

So? That doesn't make it gross.

IAmNotAWitch · 20/03/2017 06:58

The washing thing would do my head in. Everything else is meh and if he doesn't like it he can takeover.

We don't have time for all that nitpicking. If something needs doing in our house the person who clocks it does it.

BCGRMDP · 20/03/2017 07:03

i am a single mum of a baby and toddler. my house frequently looks like ww3 but i tidy and wash up at the end of the day, kids have no access to wash machine and anything else is a bonus right now

skerrywind · 20/03/2017 07:03

It is gross because it is a mess waiting to happen.
Children who are left enough unsupervised time that they can open and empty a washing machine may also decide a used nappy is something interesting to prod and explore.

Used nappies are not things to leave around. Once opened they can spill all the soggy gel beads and leave urine on other surfaces.
Similarly leaving plates of uneaten food or beakers with juice sitting around is gross because they too can cause further mess.

BCGRMDP · 20/03/2017 07:04

also i get the nappy thing i have a bin bag that gets taken out every evening for nappies as with 2 tinies and a first floor flat woth bins a trek away its just not practicle to take them out each time

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