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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel annoyed and uncomfortable about this?

106 replies

JuicyGem5 · 19/03/2017 17:54

So my dh has been asked to come on holiday with his ex and his dss, they are going to Morroco in August and have asked dh to come along as she doesn't want to drive in a foreign county. She has also asked dh to pay 50% of the cost. The hotel is one on the Atlas Mountains and is actually really nice and the arrangements would be like a family room with dh having his own bed but in a connecting room.

I have two problems with this

  1. They will be eating out together and sharing a hotel room all be it connecting I don't trust her and I'm insecure as she is a very beautiful women.
  2. It is a three week holiday in the summer holidays takes up all of dh's holiday which means he doesn't get to see my dc or his dc with me in the summer break.
  3. We were planning to do something with the kids in Cornwall or Devon for a week but this cannot be affordable for us now.
  4. I can't see why she can't pay for private transfers into Marrakech or the airport.
5 it's not like her dss is young he is 16.

Aibu to think dh should refuse this and instead pay for his ds and our children and my children to pay for a holiday for all of us as this seems fair.

I think it is very selfish and I think dh should say no to it but I get why he wants to do it.

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 19/03/2017 18:20

No.

No no no no.

Original poster
JuicyGem5 · 19/03/2017 18:20

It has worried me I think dh sees it as a duty to go on holiday with his son. He feels very guilty. He left her when dss was 3 and feels guilty.

OP posts:
NotaSnowflake · 19/03/2017 18:20

So you've told him no? What did he say?

If I was married and he did that we would be divorced.............. He clearly cares more about his son than you. I'm sorry but it's obvious

AbernathysFringe · 19/03/2017 18:22

When my daughter's older and if my ex has a new partner, I might ask for stuff like this. Ex and I holiday together with the baby at the moment and there's absolutely no hint of anything other than platonic feelings. We will be in a hotel situ like the one you describe this year.
If she is that attractive, your husband must be a real catch for you to think she'd pursue him. It's more likely that 16 years of parenting together yet seperately have led to a very tolerant, easy going friendship. She's thinking of the kid, so's he.
How do you live normally if you're suspicious she wants him back? If you're not suspicious, this holiday shouldn't MAKE you that.
The main issue I can see is that it spoils your ability to have a holiday together. I'd tell him to say to her that he wants to go away with you as well and that she needs to pay for a bit more of the holiday so he can afford both.

SparklyMagpie · 19/03/2017 18:22

And what's your DH said when you've told him no?

If he goes I'd be telling him to fucking stay there

AnyFucker · 19/03/2017 18:24

Did he leave her for you ?

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/03/2017 18:24

Why can't you ALL go?

Cuppaoftea · 19/03/2017 18:24

But his DS would coming on holiday to Devon/ Cornwall wouldn't he? If your DCs are a bit younger could you afford to take a friend of his too.

Floggingmolly · 19/03/2017 18:25

If the boy is 16, why is he only now seeing it as a "duty" to go on holiday with him? Why on earth would it have to involve his Mum too?!
Has he ever been on holiday with your family (his step siblings)? That would be far more normal than what they're proposing.

NotaSnowflake · 19/03/2017 18:26

Are you actually serious Abernathy?!?!?! Or are you just wanting to be the one person who thinks differently for attention?

Imagine your husband going away with ANY other woman for THREE WEEKS or even one week! Regardless of cost? It's bang out of order!!

And 16 years or not, once you have a child together there is ALWAYS a bond. Maybe you & your ex don't feel it but it's there. They were once attracted to each other so why couldn't they be again if they're spending every day together for a period of time?

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/03/2017 18:26

I was joking BTW - it would be a HELL NO from me. Even the fact that he see's no problem in it would have me running for the hills...

Does she not have any male friends or other family members?

AugustRose · 19/03/2017 18:30

YANBU, it definitely sounds like she is trying to create the happy family situation using your DSS to make DH guilty.

Does he not come on holiday with you normally? If your DH wants to spend time with his son why can't they do something that's just the two of them, it doesn't need to involve her.

ClemDanfango · 19/03/2017 18:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Emphasise · 19/03/2017 18:34

Dear God. The fact that either of them can even countenance such a plan makes me think they're no longer exes tbh.

Do they spend much time together at home?

Ex can take DS on a lovely holiday without it being Morocco and without having to drive.

Dh can spend quality with ds without going to Morocco.

The only way this is even halfway acceptable is if you all go, but I bet they don't want that....

honeyroar · 19/03/2017 18:36

She just needs to book a holiday that doesn't involve driving, as well she knows. It's totally unreasonable. She's just pushing his buttons (your husband's) and he's too thick/guilty to see it. Tell him to tell her if she doesn't want to drive he will buy the holiday off her and take you, DSS and your family and she can buy a package holiday for herself and her son with the money! By even considering it he is letting you down.

Dreadfulidea · 19/03/2017 18:37

Abernathy but it sounds like you are both single. Therefore a platonic friendship with your ex does not impinge on anyone else. I can't imagine your new boyfriend being happy for you to go off without him to holiday your ex and your son.

He may feel guilty but won't he feel even guiltier leaving you and the children behind for the best part of a month.

PutTheBunnyBackInTheBox · 19/03/2017 18:40

Op you haven't said if he left her for you?

If he did she could trying to get her revenge and/or trying to get him back. Plus if he seriously thinks this is OK and left his wife for you/another woman, maybe he doesn't rate commitment or fidelity too highly.

I'd be seriously concerned about this, it definitely sounds dodgy.

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 19/03/2017 18:40

It has worried me I think dh sees it as a duty to go on holiday with his son.

OP - what about his duty to you and your DC???

GatoradeMeBitch · 19/03/2017 18:40

If she doesn't want to drive in Morocco, she needs to book a holiday somewhere where she can get around. Or wait a couple of years and her DS might be able to drive. Or she can hire a driver.

If he has done so little for his DS over the past 13 years that he still feels guilty, he needs to focus on a week to week relationship with him. A three week luxury holiday won't solve it.

I'd feel suspicious that something is going on for both of them to suddenly be enthused about spending three weeks together...

Chewbecca · 19/03/2017 18:43

Er, big fat no.

His son can also come away with you and your DC though, so he gets a chance to spend holiday time with him?

Peppapogstillonaloop · 19/03/2017 18:43

This is weird. Can you explain..
Your Dh has a son with his ex and she wants them to go on holiday together
You have kids with your Dh also?
They have been split for 13years. Has he been on holiday with them before?
How long have you been together?

Aeroflotgirl · 19/03/2017 18:44

I agree, if your dh is even considering this, you have a dh problem, you really do!

kissmethere · 19/03/2017 18:48

Wtf. No way. That's a huge, huge ask!! She's playing on his guilt and wants to get back with him for 3 weeks. Fuck that shit. Sorry but she knows what she's doing.
They're not together anymore so choose a practical destination that doesn't involve your DH. Dss can come on holiday with you all maybe but she's not in the picture.
Incase I missed your answer, did he leave her for you?

Emphasise · 19/03/2017 18:48

Yes, the problem really isn't with her or her being beautiful. It's the fact that she could suggest this (if indeed the idea was hers) and think there was even a vague possibility he might agree. I'd be furious with him.

user1486499646 · 19/03/2017 18:49

For real?? Id clote my dh round the face if he even consideres going is he crazy