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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think an emotional affair plus 3 kisses IS infidelity? ?

19 replies

welcometowonderland · 19/03/2017 14:22

DH had an emotional affair with a colleague many years ago and has since admitted that it turned physical on 3 occasions. He swears it never went further then kissing.
However they also exchanged sexually explicit texts , her describing what she wanted him to do to her etc.

He also admitted that he was falling for her in a big way at the time.

8 years later, he still denies this is infidelity.
Because they never actually slept together.

I'm so bloody angry at him still.
We've been having major problems lately and I think it's fucking insulting that after everything he put me through and the fact I forgave him, he won't admit that it was infidelity

OP posts:

WorraLiberty · 19/03/2017 14:25

I'd be very surprised if they didn't sleep together.

Especially as he's only since admitted it turned physical. If nothing else happened, why didn't he admit that years ago?

Rainydayspending · 19/03/2017 14:26

Of course it was. He emotionally checked out of the marriage in favour of someone else. In all honesty it's fairly likely with exchanging those texts that they were at it (but I guess you know more than there's room for).
He's not counting it so he can do it again. No loyalty etc.
Is he worth this?

Holland00 · 19/03/2017 14:28

I'd class that as infidelity.
Have you been to marriage counselling?
Maybe he needs to hear a different POV from a 3rd party.
How would he class it if you'd done the same?
You sound like you could also do with some help to move forward with your feelings about it.

MangoSplit · 19/03/2017 14:29

Rather than arguing over the exact definition of 'infidelity', can he at least admit that he behaved like a twat and treated you very badly and would not be happy at all if you did the same with another man?

TheNaze73 · 19/03/2017 14:33

I don't think there's any hard & fast rule here on what constitutes infidelity, it's a question of interpretation. My interpration is the same as yours however, his is different. It happens frequently, that people lure married or attached men in with rude texts & pictures trying to get them to bite & the moment he did, I see it as infidelity.
Don't think you'll ever change his mindset but, you should change yours & end it.

thatdearoctopus · 19/03/2017 14:43

I cannot for the life of me imagine any scenario whereby it would be OK for me to snog a man other than my dh, and exchange explicit photos with him.

I agree that an exact dictionary definition of infidelity is beside the point. To all intents and purposes he betrayed your marriage/relationship, he crossed your line, and he doesn't get to tell you that your feelings about that aren't valid and relevant.

gamerwidow · 19/03/2017 14:46

It is infidelity but 8 years is a long time not to have processed this and to still be angry.
It must be extremely hard on you having that anger burning all that time what are you both doing to move past this?

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/03/2017 14:53

How and when did these admissions happen? Of the 'falling for' her and the kisses?

Oddsockspissmeoff · 19/03/2017 16:16

What does he consider happened then? I couldn't be doing with this gaslighting minimizing shit.

TwitterQueen1 · 19/03/2017 16:30

Do you mind if I suggest you stop focusing on whether or not it was 'infidelity'? It's actually irrelevant because the point is - as ^ - he checked out of your marriage and your relationship. To you it was infidelity and he should accept that, even if he doesn't agree with it.

Does he want to fix things between you? Do you? What are you both trying to achieve here? If he were to say "yes, ok, I was unfaithful." What difference would that make to you? Would you find it easier to move on? To take him back?

HeddaGarbled · 19/03/2017 16:30

You couldn't divorce him for infidelity without intercourse having happened so I suppose legally it wasn't. Morally, probably yes. But I can't see any point in arguing the issue any more. You say yes, he says no, neither of you are going to shift your views.

You could rephrase it as "I consider you to have been unfaithful" if you want to continue discussing it.

You haven't forgiven him, by the way.

waterrat · 19/03/2017 16:56

I agree with the poster who says focusing on language is missing the point.

He hurt you and betrayed your trust - why do you need his permission to be angry ?

It's a very bad sign that he has never fully owned his behaviour I'm presuming that is why neither of you have moved on from it.

missymayhemsmum · 19/03/2017 18:08

It was 8 years ago!
Honestly, if you have to go back 8 years to find something to be angry at your husband about, are you not standing in the way of your own life a bit?

Dahlietta · 19/03/2017 18:10

Ask him if he would consider it cheating if you did the exact same thing.

someonestolemynick · 19/03/2017 18:42

How productive is it to focus on whether it was infidelity.
The emotional affair happened 8 years ago and you took him back without him having to fully aknowledge how badly he hurt you. It looks like you can't move on from his EA because you never got the validation of your feelings by him fully accepting his part in hurting your feelings.
The situation is that you consider it infidelity and he doesn't. Chances are he never will.
To be honest, your relationship doesn't sound very happy at the moment. You will need to let go of your resentment. I would have a "cards on the table conversation: with your DH along the lines of: "I'm still angry about your EA with C. I know we talked about this many times and I want to get past this. The thing is for me what you have done is infidelity and the fact that you don't see it that way upsets me and makes it difficult for me to move on." Be matter of fact and focus on your feelings rather than his actions. Maybe you would find it easier to write your feelings down. So you can lay out your thoughts without drifting into a 'was - wasn't' argument.
Essentially this problem is about you not him. Will you be able to forgive him? At the moment it doesn't look like you have. Your perfectly entitled to be angry. You have every right to be BUT if you want to make your marriage work you cannot be angry at him for the rest of your lives. Leaving is always an option.

someonestolemynick · 19/03/2017 18:48

Having said that: as he only recently admitted to the EA becoming physical you have every right to re-evaluate your response based on the new information. It's not unlikely that they did have sex. How does that change things for you? You will never know - you w/o have to trust him in that one. Can you?

Softkitty2 · 19/03/2017 18:55

Ask him how he would feel if you did the same? Go on kiss someone else 3 x and tell them what you'd like to do to them.. Lets see how he will take it..

thatdearoctopus · 19/03/2017 20:23

missymayhemsmum Really? You are missing the point quite spectacularly.

Starlighter · 19/03/2017 20:33

Right, so he won't mind if you go and sext another man and snog him 3 times then??

He's being ridiculous, obviously. But 8 years ago?? You need to really think about whether you can past this or it's going to drive you crazy and ruin your marriage...

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