To name a child similar to my DM's abusive DF?

[Batteriesallgone]

So, she's not my 'D'M, but that's MN shorthand for you! She was abusive and we are low contact.

Her dad was abusive to her and she always hated him.

I've changed the name. But let's say his name was Bertrand and he went by Bert all his life. I have fallen in love with a baby name - Albert, and want to use the nickname Bertie.

So the BC would be different but in day to day my baby would be called something very similar to her hated dad.

AIBU to consider using it? I've really fallen in love with the name and nickname. I only met him a few times then he died so my GF meant nothing to me. And I don't really care about upsetting DM, but I wonder if it's such a low blow I shouldn't do it anyway. Help!

I personally would use the name if you want to she was abusive to you she gave up the right for you to protect her feelings.

On the other hand I wouldnt want my babies birth being over shadowed by arguments and dramatics so I might look for another that I love.

I have a similar thing with my name (Eg Bethany and Elizabeth but both known as Beth) with my great grandmother. My parents now can't decide / agree if it was purposeful or that they just liked the name!

Anyway when I was about 8 we did a topic in school on "Ourselves" and researched our family tree. I realised that we had the same name and for a while was a bit fascinated about her.

So I wouldn't - just because it might upset your son to discover he has the same name as someone horrible.

If I was you I would think about how I would feel if my child called my grandchild my mother's name. Sorry that sounds complicated! Would you think OK or would it upset you, would you feel that it was their right but that it was insensitive. If you wouldn't like it then I would say don't do it, I was close to my mother but her father wasn't very nice and I would never have called a child after him but ironically one of my grandchildren is but my son and DIL never knew him and my mother was deceased when he was born so no one was hurt. Your situation is different to mine as you don't feel the same about your mother as I did about mine so that is why I'm not assuming you should do the same as me.

I hope it all goes well.

My kids are only young but I would hope our relationship would be completely different so the 'how would I feel' thing doesn't work for me tbh. To be fair my oldest is five and I have memories of vile punishments and being told I was worthless / shouldn't have been born from preschool age. So I'm fairly confident that our relationship IS already different and will continue to be.

If the child with the name researched the family tree they'd only get a name and a 'I didn't know him very well' from me. I'll probably tell my children snippets from my childhood - I imagine they'll ask about the scars at some point, apart from anything else - but I won't mention hers. I know very little about it and it's not my story.

My concern is actually for whether it will affect your mum's relationship with the child. If she's hated the name Bert all her life and eg feels sick when she hears it, she's not going to fall in love with a baby called Bert in the same way she might if he had a different name. It would be v sad if your son one day asks you 'why doesn't granny like me?' Unlikely perhaps but personally I couldn't take the risk. Pick a less difficult name.

Boiing I'm not sure you're getting it.

She's never going to be in love with any child of mind, whatever name I give it.

I wouldn't want her to either - who wants their child to form an attachment to an abuser?

Why are you still in contact with her? This can't do you any good.

Batteries, from what you say I don't think it matters so you might as well use the name you want. I might be wrong but it doesn't sound like you have much contact with her? I might have that wrong but if your contact is only slight maybe just tell her the full name if you don't want to cause any issues?

The main thing is don't let the worry overshadow a happy event.

Nah I think the early responses were right and it's the wrong thing to do. I won't use the name. We've already started discussing alternatives. If anyone wants to suggest any old 'Royalty' type names that would be great - not Charles or George though, tah

Why am I still in contact with her? Well, because. Because she is my mum. Because she only abused two of us, not all, so I have siblings who are close to her and I would probably lose them if I cut her out completely. My DF has done a lot of soul searching and turned his life around; apart from his mind blank when it comes to her behaviour, he is now fairly pleasant. I don't know if I want to lose him completely.

I don't know really. I was absolutely desperate to find out what I had done wrong and fix it / myself. After her behaviour towards my children those days are gone. I know now it's not me who needs fixing.

I imagine at some point I'll find the strength to cut her out. Not yet.

In my opinion the best thing you could do is cut all contact with your awful, spiteful mother. Imagine how free you will feel.

Then you can call your baby what you like with no repercussions!

(FWIW I had an abusive stepfather and I couldn't bear the name he had. It was really popular for a looooong time, so the association of it now tends more towards normal chirpy kids, and not some hideous sneery "father figure". I wouldn't have chosen it myself, but other people's doing so has really helped lessen the link iyswim)

I wanted the middle name for my DS to be john after an uncle who died, but unfortunatly that is the same name as DP's abusive biological father. He wasn't happy with that and refused to contemplate it, so we changed it. Sometimes thats part of being an adult and being conciencious about others and their feelings. Theres plenty of other names out there you can choose so go with another one

I think you're right to rethink.

Dh and I both love a particular name, but it is very (negatively) significant to my not-D mother. We're no contact and I don't plan on that ever changing, but it still didn't feel right to use the name. If nothing else, I don't like the idea that she'd think we'd chosen it because of her.

Batteriesallgone, you sound like you have got it all sorted and your reasoning makes good sense. Like I said before just don't let it overshadow your happy event. Hope you find a great name.

The only other Royal name I can think of are Henry, Edward, Andrew, James and David. Oh there is William as well. Can't think of any more but there must be.

Just thought of Queen Victoria's Albert. Bertie seems popular. Just thought you used that in your OP. Sorry.

Arthur?

Thanks Granny, Arthur is a good one will see what DH thinks.

Thank you. You've been very kind.

Oh and Bertie is lovely but I'm not sure about Albert. Or Alfred. Neither is the 'real' name but not sure either is quite right.

Batteriesallgone, you will find the right one. With one of my children we couldn't agree on a name until we saw the baby and then we just knew.

I think you're right to reconsider. I understand that you have low contained and care little for her in response to her treatment of you. Her background absolutely does not excuse her treatment of you, but it will have been a factor- she made the wrong choices in dealing with it.

I wouldn't want my children who are otherwise uninvolved in that kind of past to have an indirect association with it, particularly as you are more directly in contact with other relatives. It's not worth the risk of them forming the wrong conclusion about your intentions.

Good luck with finding a new name.