To name a child similar to my DM's abusive DF?

[Batteriesallgone]

So, she's not my 'D'M, but that's MN shorthand for you! She was abusive and we are low contact.

Her dad was abusive to her and she always hated him.

I've changed the name. But let's say his name was Bertrand and he went by Bert all his life. I have fallen in love with a baby name - Albert, and want to use the nickname Bertie.

So the BC would be different but in day to day my baby would be called something very similar to her hated dad.

AIBU to consider using it? I've really fallen in love with the name and nickname. I only met him a few times then he died so my GF meant nothing to me. And I don't really care about upsetting DM, but I wonder if it's such a low blow I shouldn't do it anyway. Help!

Could you tell us the actual names? Might make a difference

Tbh I would do it anyway

Yea, I wouldn't do it. I think if I'd thought of a name and then realised there was a connection to a less than nice relative I wouldn't use it, because every time I called for Bertie id probably think about the negative bert, also it will make your M stressed out and will look like a cheap shot, which may impact how she interacts with your DS, why risk it?

No I'd choose a different name. The abusive man is in your child's lineage. I wouldn't want the connection. It's also possible your children will have a different view of their gran. This will cause more bad blood and turmoil in your children's family. I wouldn't do it.

I would think about the DC too. People sometimes get into conversations at any time of life about who they were named after, and it might become an issue for the DC to potentially have bad feelings brought up by it.

No im not going to say the names, sorry, I share a lot of personal stuff on MN and am terrified of being outed.

Keep the name change nickname.
I feel your pain when u feel you found a perfect name and then you have to give it up for X or Y reason. But i wouldn't do that to my DM and even everyone who knew DGF will be feeling off when they hear the nickname.

Tbh anything that puts her off spending time with my kids is a good thing in my book.

But I accept that a lot of people think it's a bad idea and I don't want people connected to the family to think I'm being a bitch.

Thank you everyone

There was a big family schism when the kids grew and rejected their abusive parents.

I don't know anyone still alive who knew him apart from DF (and DM).

But I accept my siblings might think ill of it as might some other people who find the name strangely rings a bell.

Yes M2R2! There isn't a list just this one name and one night I had a dream woke up and thought oh shit that was his nickname. Woke up DH and he said 'well game over for Albert then' and went back to sleep. But it's been a week now and haven't been able to think of another.

I'm sure pregnancy hormones are making me too irrational about this

Fair enough

I would still use it tbh. Especially if NC is what you really wish for

Could you look at maybe different NN?

For example Albie instead of Bertie

What I really wish for is an apology hence the low contact. Obviously I'll never get one but there's a small child in me somewhere who can't let go of the idea of having a mum who loves them.

Another one who thinks YABU

Without thinking about your 'D'M at all (my mother was also abusive so I know where you're coming from), I don't think I could name a child after a known abuser, even if the person they abused, abused you too.

Most names are linked to an abuser somewhere somehow. I don't feel any connection to him. I don't think her upbringing is any defence for her behaviour and I never knew him. So to me it's just a name.

I see that I am in a minority on that though.

I won't change my opinion on her or the suitability of the name. But I do hear you all so I won't use it.

Hmmm yeah good point about all names being linked to abusers actually. And I definetely don't think her upbringing is a defence for her behaviour too.

I'm not sure in that case. I think if I was in your shoes, using the logic of all names being linked to abusers, I'm not sure I would have a problem with it actually. But maybe think about using a different nickname?

Batteries, I've found when the baby is nearly here, hormones are flying, and you are in a tricky name situation, starting a new thread in baby names asking for suggestions that are similar to a name you like but can't use is a good way of retaining your sainity ......

I did something similar, my DMs 'D'F was also abusive to her, her DM, and her DSis & DBro. He shared a name with my DHs GF who was a lovely man, it is also my FILs middle name. We used the name as DSs middle name. But I made it clear to my family that he was absolutely not named after my GF and they are fine with it. The difference is though I have an ok relationship with my DM so I could explain. I think you should do what makes you happy, naming someone does not turn them into an abuser, you will raise him not to be. Your relationship with your DM might already be irreparable, you know best if this will be the tipping point.

I think I have to change it

The idea of one of my siblings having the reaction of some of the people on this thread fills me with dread tbh.

The family as a whole don't need another excuse to bitch about me behind my back!

Glad MN has talked sense into me, DH loves the name but can see he's worried about using it and creating drama

I think it would be a low blow.

We had to give up a name I had loved for years because my DBro was in a relationship with a girl by the same name that was coming to a drawn out messy end. I just didn't want to risk him resenting me for it (I know he would have). We chose a different name, and I can't imagine her being anything else now. It really suits her. But it was very hard for me to give up the name.

My father was horribly abusive and my mother an enabler. I always loved my mother's name but am no contact. I'm the parental figure for my NC sister's kids. I would be incredibly hurt if the boys named a child after either of my parents. Actually I don't think I could ever get over it.

If you hate your mother, which is understandable, why do you have anything to do with her? I'd drop the fucker from my life. If you chose the name you do realise that your mother may treat this child differently as she will think of her abusive father every time she sees him? If you're in contact with your siblings and they side with your mother the shit will hit the fan. What happens if your mother goes into the details of her abuse? Will you still be able to distance yourself from the 'connection' your child's name will have to an abuser? I hope you find a name that you love as much, for your own peace of mind.

Break the links to this sad past. Sorry but this is a link.

Of course it's your right to choose whatever name you like.

But this is just one of those things.

There is always the possibility that your child might one day get wind of it.

So sorry because I know how it gets all about the baby's name sometimes. There are other names you will love. Imagine if you had more children.

Sorry, got distracted, while tying. Glad you've changed your mind, op.

God no, break the cycle. It all sounds so poisonous and fucked up.

Could your mum and siblings know DC as his full name and the shortened version could be something that you, dh et al use?