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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To name a child similar to my DM's abusive DF?

93 replies

Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 10:43

So, she's not my 'D'M, but that's MN shorthand for you! She was abusive and we are low contact.

Her dad was abusive to her and she always hated him.

I've changed the name. But let's say his name was Bertrand and he went by Bert all his life. I have fallen in love with a baby name - Albert, and want to use the nickname Bertie.

So the BC would be different but in day to day my baby would be called something very similar to her hated dad.

AIBU to consider using it? I've really fallen in love with the name and nickname. I only met him a few times then he died so my GF meant nothing to me. And I don't really care about upsetting DM, but I wonder if it's such a low blow I shouldn't do it anyway. Help!

OP posts:
Wando1986 · 19/03/2017 11:47

Call it Albert and nickname of Albie. Problem solved.

SoupDragon · 19/03/2017 11:53

I see you've decided to leave the name but my thoughts were "what would you feel if your child gave their child effectively the same name as your abusive mother?"

Original poster
Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 11:58

Soup but I'm not abusive?

It would be totally different if she had been a loving mother obviously. I would never pick a name that would upset MIL or FIL because they are loving family members and I wouldn't want to hurt them.

It just rankles that I have to take her feelings into consideration. A woman who has hurt me deliberately all my life.

I give zero shits about how she might treat the child differently she's divide and rule with all the grandkids she's still poisonous. As I said contact is rare and heavily supervised. I have other children.

I think I might head over to the baby names board and plea for inspiration. We've got ages anyway I'm only second trimester ShockGrin

OP posts:
Original poster
Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 12:00

Oh and imagine my mums name is Lynn. If my child called a child Lynette I honestly think I'd be fine with it. Id welcome the chance to form a pleasant association with the name.

But hey, we're not all the same. And I do hear the consensus - I don't agree with it deep down but I have listened!

OP posts:
HecateAntaia · 19/03/2017 12:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheLambShankRedemption · 19/03/2017 12:10

Couldn't Albert become Alfred and nickname Freddie or Alfie? Similar full name but no link to the Bert.

dingdongthewitchisdead1 · 19/03/2017 12:12

Yanvu
If she was abused by him then the very mention of the name or something similar could trigger a memory and send her into one... everyone will suffer. Find a new name to fall in love with. There are literally thousands.
My dm was in a similar position to yours and our relationship is similar to what you have described. Never in a million years would I dream of it. You need to be more understanding of her past trauma and the impact raising this in the form of your kids name could have on her

FrenchLavender · 19/03/2017 12:14

Well if you don't care about upsetting your mother then I don't really know why you are asking. Confused

I do find it really odd that you would want to choose the name of a man who was known to be abusive to your mother though - much of the reason she has been abusive to you probably stems from her own upbringing.

Original poster
Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 12:16

She did horrible things to me when I was pregnant with DS. One time I told my MIL what she had done and poor MIL burst into tears (love MIL!). Ever since then I have refused to have contact with her without DH or ILs present when pregnant / first few months of babyhood. She still managed to be a total bitch after DD's birth though and was horrible about my appearance saying I'd lost my stomach forever, how does DH feel now seeing his wife go so downhill etc etc. All in the few seconds we were alone together.

I really don't think she deserves the sympathy of anyone on this thread. She has told me before she considers me 'less than human'.

Why do I see her? Because I'm too weak to draw a line under it all I suppose. Shoot me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 12:19

That's harsh French, and clearly there are other people in the world other than me and my mother, like my siblings.

I don't agree it would be wrong, but I do agree it could be construed as aggressive. I won't use the name I've already said that.

OP posts:
Soubriquet · 19/03/2017 12:33

I don't get why people are excusing the mothers behaviour of "her dad abused her so she abused you. It's not her fault"

You don't say that if men beat up their children because he was beaten up as a youngster

Cosmicglitterpug · 19/03/2017 12:41

Use it. You've clearly explained it's not the same name, just an overlap in the nick names. I wouldn't worry about it.

SoupDragon · 19/03/2017 12:44

Soup but I'm not abusive?

I never said you were Confused

JonesMalone · 19/03/2017 12:47

What? I really don't think you're being unreasonable at all.
It's not the same name so I really don't see what the issue is.
If you anticipate an issue with your mum introduce the name as Albert. If, once you start using 'Bertie' she has a problem then she can just call him Albert.
If you and your mum were super close and you had fallen in love with that exact same name I'd suggest discussing it with her but that's an entirely different situation.

Original poster
Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 12:48

It was 100% her and my fathers fault.

They were both incredibly cruel.

There is no defence or justification for their behaviour.

OP posts:
Original poster
Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 12:49

Jones glad I'm not the only one. I didn't think of it or fall in love with it as a nasty thing. They are different names!

But I guess now I've seen the association I can't unsee it IYSWIM.

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 19/03/2017 12:53

The name is not actually Albert so suggesting Alfred would be good if it were. Are there any similar names to that there anyway?

You're only second trimester, most people haven't got it even close to figured out by then. Some of us pick out a name then but find out we hate it in a couple of months time Grin

Original poster
Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 13:27

Yeah I know Middle the other two had boy/girl names picked from about 12 weeks. We like to name them early! I have OCD, it really helps me cope with pregnancy if we have names sorted.

Don't like Alfred!

DH suggested the boy name we had picked out when pregnant with DD and I laughed and said that's shit name Blush

We'll get there!

OP posts:
Falafelings · 19/03/2017 13:35

I think it's fine but you could introduce him to your mum with his full name. And maybe she might want to use his full name only

Original poster
Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 13:36

There won't be any 'introductions' she'll get a text

OP posts:
UpWithPup · 19/03/2017 13:41

I don't think YABU. It's not the same name, she can choose not to use the shortened form and for all you know in 5 years time the child may not even use the shortened form.

AmysTiara · 19/03/2017 13:42

I'd go for it tbh. She won't know the baby so I'd introduce it by the full name and leave it at that. It's two different names after all.

PovertyPain · 19/03/2017 13:56

I don't give a shit about you hurting that nasty piece of work, op. That's not why I posted. Yes I would be hurt if the kids did it on me, but we have a loving relationship so I doubt they would. I'm more concerned that it may cause you grief. Bty, no one is responsible for someone else being abusive, no matter their upbringing and I would never, ever excuse that behaviour as I think it's a cope out.

Falafelings · 19/03/2017 14:07

Go for it. Text her the full name

Original poster
Batteriesallgone · 19/03/2017 14:22

Also I guess I feel like how much can it hurt her?

Surely she must have no feelings for me to do what she did. So how can anything I do hurt her?

But I guess I'm wrong and it has the potential to hurt.

OP posts:
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