To be a bit concerned about socially awkward son?

[Soapandglory]

My son is 9, as he's getting older it's becoming more noticeable that sometimes his behaviour can be inappropriate.

Please don't flame me as I'm having a bit of a tough time generally right now and I'm trying my best.

Basically he can come across really forward and cheeky but I'm fairly certain he doesn't know he's doing it. It's like he sees things as very black and white. He's not at all shy but needs to know when to zip it.

For example he goes to a football group, they were taking penalties and ds got knocked out. He just asked the coach quite casually and confidently if he got take his go again. The coach just laughed and said no but it's was wholly inappropriate to the situation.

If he comes out of school and sees a friend going to another friends house he'd think nothing of loudly asking if he can go with them. Even though he was never invited.

He constantly asks questions for example when I'm collecting his brother from preschool and doing handover he just keeps asking why that's there, why they're doing that, what is this for. I do tell him to stop interrupting.

There was a situation at school where another child was doing something that they had been specifically selected for, and ds brazenly asked if he could go too, it got him into trouble at school. I spoke with afterwards, he hadn't realised it was only for that child and felt bad.

We went to view a house and there was a stairlift, he asked the estate agent if he could have a go on it because it looked fun and if we could keep it if we bought the house. He kept asking if he could put his things on the shelves when we moved in, asking what was behind that door and so on.

I always speak to him to explain why that wasn't appropriate, how it might come across rude, why he can't just do what he wants. He understand once I've explained but just still doesn't seem capable of reading between the lines next time something comes up.

I'm quite firm and will tell him to shush when I need to. He feels really bad if he thinks he's upset someone.

What can I do? How can I deal with this better? Does it sound concerning?

I know autistic people who are direct and persistent and with poor social timing.

Autism is much more than being a bit tactless.

Not addressed to you OP just others saying 'we're all on the spectrum' etc

Fafafelings well of course you do. But its generally not just having that which will get a diagnosis.

Ask some one you can trust to tell you the truth, who is objective.

You mention friends. Are they real friends or people he just mentions and thinks are his friends? If he has good friendships then don't worry at all.

I'm not convinced he does have good friendships. I've often got the impression other children can get a little annoyed by him. Ds however is very enthusiastic and likes everyone.

There have been incidents such as another boy pushing ds over because ds wasn't playing a sport properly.

However teachers are adamant that he's very popular and well liked.

A teacher actually described him as "difficult and inappropriate"? Nice!

He sounds like a perfectly average...5 year old! Does that make sense?

NT but still at that immature stage where they can't read between lines, have no filter, their manners are deplorable but only because they haven't twigged social stuff yet.

Areyoufree she said he behaved differently to the other children. She consistently described his behaviour as inappropriate but never gave me any examples beyond laughing at the wrong time during a story book. I did ask her to explain because as a 4 year old I felt he was good as gold.

She promised to speak to his nursery senco but never did, and they'd had no concerns anyway.

Perhaps organise some play dates and watch the interaction?

Madmags yes that's pretty much how I feel.

Dowhatnow I have organised play dates and he attends plenty of parties. He's really nice, so kind to other children. No one has ever disputed this. He is chatty, enthusiastic, wants to play games. Normal 9 year old stuff, board games, sports, computer games, watching YouTube, cycling, running around the park.

If we are at the park he will strike up friendships. He'll go up to another child ask their name, if they like football and minecraft,

He gets on great but children can get a bit eye rolly and bored with him. He can end up getting bossed about. Play dates don't get returned.

Your son is being treat & spoken to badly at school (by teachers). His school is failing & is (or will be) in 'special measures'. He's 9. It certainly is not too late to move him, I'd say it's imperitive you DO move him.

My friend's ds has an Aspergers diagnosis and is a bit like this. He's not loud but is naive and literal. Having a diagnosis doesn't make much differb It the way you handle a child with these tendencies is key.

Try having some role play at home so he can practice certain situations. Shouting out and interrupting are not ok so he needs to practice waiting his turn and being praised for it. Asking too personal questions needs to be curbed. Just slowly keep note of what he does and how he might do it a little more gently.

Friends ds is now 17 and fab. A bit quirky, a bit young for his age but he has a great set of friends and they just like him for what he is.

Okay, so not quite that bad then! But still, you'd think that if she were concerned enough to mention it to you, she would have been concerned enough to make some observations. I would be very surprised if my daughter's teacher came to me with concerns, but didn't have any definite examples.

It does sound as if he's a bit socially awkward then. When I think of the kids my ds knows I can think of one or two that are enthusiastic, basically nice kids who lack that certain something that bond kids in true friendships. I don't think they are not nt, they just lack some social skills.
Does it appear to worry him or are you projecting your own anxieties on to him? If he's generally happy then try not to worry too much.
Watch carefully and be prepared to have him assessed as he gets older if you think it may be more problematic for him. In the meantime, gently remind and guide him when necessary, perhaps do some role play and maybe investigate some books that help kids learn social skills. I'm sure they exist. Encourage his self esteem in other areas.
Good luck and enjoy your young man. Accept him for who he is not what you would ideally like him to be.

"But for example he left his drinks bottle at Cubs and rushed back in to fetch it. The leader joked he was lucky as it was about to go in the bin. Clearly a joke and said in a kind lighthearted tone but ds took it seriously. He relayed to me he was relieved because John nearly threw it away, he was adamant that 'John' wasn't joking."

The above example of him not understanding humour, actually seems to me that he IS understanding just fine. I'm pretty sure they would chuck left over drinks bottles at the end of a session. I think his coach was saying so in a pleasant manner to warn him next time to be more careful. I don't personally see the above as a 'joke'.

It wasn't like a bottle for the rubbish it was his own sports bottle with his name on! I'm sure they wouldn't have chucked it away.

The leader always collects leftover belongings and keeps them in their porch for the kids to collect.

That was at cub scouts btw not at football.

Ami being a bit thick or have I not explained.

It was his Cubs group and they'd been told to bring drinks because they were doing sports.

He didn't leave like a half empty bottle of Ribena it was a labelled sports bottle.

I've never known the leaders to chuck the kids stuff in the bin they're always leaving stuff behind.

Soap no, it was pretty clear to me that you meant a proper reusable bottle.

If he is happy, has friends and gets on well at school then you really shouldn't worry yourself. He just sounds like a bit of a quirky character to me.

Dowhatnow he is a happy lad.

I think there are times he's felt misunderstood at school this year. An incident of him 'telling tales' where he lost golden time for telling on another child. Being shouted at for asking a question but other children were nagging him to do something. He asked the teacher if he should and got shouted at. But then I think the school deal with things badly sometimes. There was an incident where he was told he'd won something on merit, then told it was a mistake, no apology, no consolation prize, he was really upset.

Same with the play dates tbh, although I say that, this is only a handful of children and to be honest they are children who were a little rude themselves, telling us our garden was too small and ds games console was too old and boring. I think there are other children ds gets on well with but unfortunately I never see their parents to approach about a play date.

Maybe just a discussion with your son about thinking before he speaks would be useful. Like a "Wait ten seconds, if it still seems like a good thing to say, say it" kind of thing?

Tbf all kids feel they are misunderstood sometimes, but having said that your school doesn't seem to have particularly sensitive teachers. All kids would be upset about the prize thing.

Can you give ds a piece of paper with your telephone number on to give to any friends he'd like to invite round? The downside of this is if they don't want to come though.

Can he ride a bike? Swim? These were the obvious indicators for me (i'm a teacher) his handwriting was messy but not awful enough to be an issue. School didn't see an issue. It was me that self referred for a dyspraxia notice. My DS does take things literally and doesn't get a lot of jokes unless very obvious/toilet humour! He still appears rude and I have to remind him when someone says 'hi how are you?' He should return the greeting he still.just says 'fine'. If a teacher mentions something he will remember and ask them directly/rudely about it. 'You said this was the last exercise' 'well now i've decided we're doing one more question...' 'but you said...' . He has found friends easier as he has got older and through commin ground e.g. Polemin Cards/Chess club/ Scouts

Your son sounds lovely, very open and innocent. And you sound like you know him really well, and are good with him.
My dd1 was quite like this, and while most teachers/ adults noticed and appreciated her, the occasional one would seen to think she was " to big for her boots " or similar. As she gets older, shows good leadership skills, and several teachers have told me she will do well/ be a success in life. Not meant to be stealth boasting, just showing that confident people with big personalities and lots of curiosity about life can have a Marmite response from the people who don't get them.
Keep doing what you are doing, the preempting sound great.