To be a bit concerned about socially awkward son?

[Soapandglory]

My son is 9, as he's getting older it's becoming more noticeable that sometimes his behaviour can be inappropriate.

Please don't flame me as I'm having a bit of a tough time generally right now and I'm trying my best.

Basically he can come across really forward and cheeky but I'm fairly certain he doesn't know he's doing it. It's like he sees things as very black and white. He's not at all shy but needs to know when to zip it.

For example he goes to a football group, they were taking penalties and ds got knocked out. He just asked the coach quite casually and confidently if he got take his go again. The coach just laughed and said no but it's was wholly inappropriate to the situation.

If he comes out of school and sees a friend going to another friends house he'd think nothing of loudly asking if he can go with them. Even though he was never invited.

He constantly asks questions for example when I'm collecting his brother from preschool and doing handover he just keeps asking why that's there, why they're doing that, what is this for. I do tell him to stop interrupting.

There was a situation at school where another child was doing something that they had been specifically selected for, and ds brazenly asked if he could go too, it got him into trouble at school. I spoke with afterwards, he hadn't realised it was only for that child and felt bad.

We went to view a house and there was a stairlift, he asked the estate agent if he could have a go on it because it looked fun and if we could keep it if we bought the house. He kept asking if he could put his things on the shelves when we moved in, asking what was behind that door and so on.

I always speak to him to explain why that wasn't appropriate, how it might come across rude, why he can't just do what he wants. He understand once I've explained but just still doesn't seem capable of reading between the lines next time something comes up.

I'm quite firm and will tell him to shush when I need to. He feels really bad if he thinks he's upset someone.

What can I do? How can I deal with this better? Does it sound concerning?

He's 9!! He's learning what's appropriate and what isn't
He sounds confident and pretty polite to be fair (asking if he can have another go and not demanding) and he accepts that he can't gracefully and doesn't have a melt down and realised when explained to why he can't go with the other students? I'd be worried if you said no sorry we can't do that that's not appropriate you haven't been invited and he had a full scale meltdown or didn't understand.

When you have depression or the reminisce of you can't always see things clear or worry about little things that others aren't giving a second thought to. He's respectful that if told either with an explanation no or firmly no he doesn't keep going. There are kids that would kick off at that but he doesn't.

OP this is interesting for me because I recently posted a thread about a boy who is friends with my DD...they're also 9. This little boy was asking things and declaring thing which I found rude and I wanted to know what others thought about it.

The opinions were split with some saying it was rude and others suggesting a form of undiagnosed special needs with yet others saying it's normal for some 9 year olds as they all mature at different rates.

I would keep an eye on him and try to teach him about crossing boundaries socially.

Explain the basics...ie not commenting on personal appearances and not asking for things before you're offered.

Middleclassproblem I wouldn't say his tone is rude but everyone takes things differently don't they? The teacher felt he was rude, ds felt he wasn't or certainly not intentionally.

It's really difficult without seeing him in person, because often it's a tiny thing or a feeling that concerns you, so if you are worried you should speak to someone, but to whom I'm not sure. Are you in the UK?

The school doesn't sound good at all and I'd look into moving him.

Nothing you've said sounds out of the ordinary with some 9 year olds. Their 'filters develop at different times as does their attention to detail.

I think you need to look at changing schools & to be very careful that you don't make him anxious. You still one thing to explain why we don't say 'Oi Mister you are FAT' and quite another to pick up on every little thing they say or do. Especially when it comes to asking to join in etc.

I hope your depression lifts/is able to be controlled, I know it makes many peoples lives very difficult.💐

The school is a whole other issue. It's gone from being an ok school to a failing school with a high staff turnover and some of the worst results in the area. His class are on their third teacher this year but I feel it's too late to change him.

He sounds a lot like my ds who is on the spectrum but if you have no other concerns I wouldn't worry too much. He sounds bloody lovely to be honest.

I would be gentle about telling him to shush or telling him he's not got it quite right in social situations you don't want to crush his confidence. I try and preempt now with ds and say "we're about to go here please don't ask questions about xyz it's not good manners"

So for example if you go to anther house viewing say "ds when we're inside please don't ask lots of questions we want to just look around, when we come outside and are in the car you can ask me anything you like"

He just sounds a bit immature for his age and hasn't developed a filter yet.

The response of the reception teacher seems very odd and unprofessional-is it possible that it's had a lasting effect on you and you've taken it on board a bit too much?

Can you think about ways of helping your ds to have strategies to develop his filter more? Thinking before he speaks maybe? having a code that you can use when you're together to alert him to calm down/ think/ quieten down?
Being a confident lad though will stand him in good stead though throughout his life.

My DS is now 11 and was like this and is still learning now. He is diagnosed with dyspraxia which is mainly linked to gross notor skills and balance (he is clumsy and ungainly) so not sure if linked. Tbh his dad and his paternal grandmother are similar too. He will ask people for food/snacks etc. He will come out with allsorts and then say 'I'm just saying....' . Now at secondary he is often told to curb his enthusiasm, think before he speaks, and not question everything people say. He has been known to argue about what day it is. It can be difficult but you just need to guide him the best you can.

Sounds like you are overthinking have having unrealistic expectations. People might smile or roll their eyes but in a nice way. It's you worrying that is the problem not your son 'being brazen'. He's a touch precocious but so are lots of nine year olds. Let him be.

Thanks monkey that is good advice. I do kind of do this, so when we are going into the nursery I'll say. Please don't interrupt when we go in. If we've looked at houses and the vendors been in I always tell him to be polite because it's their home and so on.

It does sound perfectly within scope of normal for 9yos. And yes- the coach's response was ideal, because he quashes the request, but in a way that your DS does not lose face.
I'm guessing his teachers feel they need to be more assertive about it because otherwise they'll have 30 voices piping up!
If you're worried, you could do role play with him, about how people feel if we say bluntly honest things to them, and I'm sure that as he matures, and develops more empathy, he'll learn to think before
speaking a bit more.

Chosenone sounds very familiar. Ds is very clumsy and literally trips over his own feet.

My son is similar, but older now.He often reacted inappropriately. He couldn't read people's faces, I would often say ' I am cross/upset with you' and he would say 'but I don't know'. I would say ' look at my face, what is that telling you?'; he didn't know even with the saddest/crossest of faces!
He wasn't able to tell if people were joking/teasing or being serious and would react inappropriately to them. He would take instructions literally and couldn't/wouldn't apply them broadly. I wondered if he was doing it on purpose to test or whether he genuinely didn't understand. I wondered if it is just a part of his personality. His dad is similar.

I work in education. I am aware of the autistic spectrum, but think that we are all so where on that spectrum in different aspects of it. It is just that, a scale/spectrum. I have resolved my thoughts and concerns about my son by realising that he is just very slightly further on the spectrum than I am and than others are. I understand his needs and how he interprets the world around him. He isn't autistic, he doesn't have diagnosed additional needs, he just takes a little more to understanding than some. Keeping this in mind has helped to address his needs in understanding the world.

Youdosomething ds can struggle with jokes. He has got great humour when he understands.

But for example he left his drinks bottle at Cubs and rushed back in to fetch it. The leader joked he was lucky as it was about to go in the bin. Clearly a joke and said in a kind lighthearted tone but ds took it seriously. He relayed to me he was relieved because John nearly threw it away, he was adamant that 'John' wasn't joking.

I replied up thread but I would also echo a PP in that if you are a less confident/ more introverted person and your DS is an extrovert, the boldness can be mortifying! I think a bit more maturity will calm him down, but the examples you've given don't seem too bad to me anyway.

He may well rub people up a bit the wrong way, but he 9, is still learning and will probably grow out of it. Can you ask an objective friend whether they think you are overreacting or not?
Gently keep on reminding him if you need to but don't make a big issue of it on the basis of one teacher over reacting on one occasion.

i am aware of the autistic spectrum, but think that we are all so where on that spectrum in different aspects of it. It is just that, a scale/spectrum

We are not all on the autism spectrum

Its a spectrum of people with autism.

I dont think OPs son sounds like he must have autism because he is direct.

Its quite a lot more complex than that to get a diagnosis.

Floaty I'm definitely an introvert.

I love that he's not shy. He will strike up a conversation with anyone and he likes everyone so that's great.

I'll try to lighten up and just reinforcing politeness.

I was going to say he sounds like my DS.... I am often open mouthed at his forwardness for want of another phrase....Then realise that's with me ...Not him....He too has dyspraxia and can be unaware of social niceties although as he's getting older it's getting better....

The autistic spectrum isn't neurotypical to very autistic. It's contains only people with varying severity of autism. U have misunderstood. Some have mild autism with no learning difficulty or speech delay. To the there end of the spectrum severe autism with learning difficulty and or speech delay. It's not a spectrum that goes into people without autism who are a 'bit autistic'.

TBH the drink in thing could have been genuine and he read it right, even if light hearted he might have chucked it later

I'm not really trying to suggest he's got autism. I've looked on NHS website and he didn't show any of the early signs.

I'm mostly worried if he's getting into trouble at school or annoying people.

Keep and eye on your son . Read aspergers syndrome by Tony attwood and keep an open mind. We cant tell on the internet to me it sounds like aspergers/ autism. Or he may be not at all just really tactless and young for his age it's all about context. But only these incidents would it get a diagnosis of anything. But just keep an open mind he might just be being nine

I meant might just be youngness and that these incidents don't add up to a diagnosis of anything so i hope u take that as reassuring.