To want my mum to prioritise me?

[JustCallMeAnna]

My sister's wife is jealous of how well my sister and I get on. Since they married she has increasingly alienated her from me. Before they married we all got on okay but SIL was a bit off with my mum and dad. Nothing major.

I think this might be one of those things that sometimes happens when people marry? Whilst they find their feet as a couple? Who knows? Anyway She should be my sisters primary concern as they are married, live together and last year had a child together. Of course my sister should put her first.
But not at the expense of everything else.

I've not seen the baby (have sent gifts etc) as they live a few hours drive away and come over here every couple of weeks.
Every time they come over since the baby came most of my family (parents and one other sibling) hide this from me as they don't want to create tension (!) my sister keeps saying not to bother going over as they will bring the baby to see me next time they are down but never do.

To clarify-we have NEVER had an actual falling out or even an argument

My own mum is scared that SiL will not let her see the baby so panders to her every whim including leaving me out of family celebrations so that they can come and lying by omission to my face.

It hurts and I just want to block them all out of my life. It's making me so bloody sad all the time. I have my own lovely little family and am quite a non confrontational person by nature so haven't had this out with my parents although they know how I feel because I have mentioned how odd I think it all is.

AIBU to think that I would be better off backing away from them all for my own mental health?

"I just find threads like these quite difficult as I just can't get my head round why or how family can be so shit to each other?! My family aren't perfect (!) but I'd like to think they wouldn't disown me for a perceived slight years ago."

YY my thoughts exactly.

I mean...I really think this is dreadful.

I think their behaviour is bloody disgusting. I'm a confrontational person so I would definitely speak to everyone involved and find out why they are treating you like you're not family, or you've done something horrible to someone.

But as you are non confrontational and this is clearly really upsetting you (who wouldn't be upset?! It's awful what they are doing), I would very calmly send a message or letter or email just saying, how you view your treatment and exclusion by them all and how it's made you feel and that you need to do what is best for you and remove the negative in your life as it is affecting you too much. The negative being them!

Sorry you are going through this xx

I think I'd say to your parents
"I don't understand why you are treating me and my family as piriahs because of some petty snub percieved by your DIL to have been made by me, your DD, and are prepared to totally exclude us to placate DIL, despite the hurt that this causes to me & my family. I can no longer cope with the unbearable pain of this situation and have decide to go NC with DSis & DsisIL. If this situation is going to continue then I will have to also go NC with the rest of the family, including you, as it is beginning to affect my mental health and I have to put me and my family first. It upsets me to do this but you have left me with no other option. You know where to find us if you think you can see a way to a satisfactory reconciliation."

Or words to that effect.

Maybe by assetng yourself and confronting your mum head on will she will come to her senses and realise what a prize prrat she is being.

Good luck, I know from personal exerience that facing the fact that a family rift is about to happen is extremely difficult. We managed to work things out although relationships will never quite be as they were. I really hope that, whatever the outcome, you come through this stronger and happier.

I agree with pictish. Sorry, but you've lowered yourself to their level of pettiness.

Be the bigger person. Say you don't understand why this has happened and especially why something so minor (if it even happened) has been turned into something dividing/breaking up a family. But, you're their daughter/sister; you love them and hope one day you can move past this.

Agree with squeaver. If this is simoly about you being rude about a gift they gave you, it seems to have grown and escalated into a monster.

So you've been excluded for several years on the basis of this rudeness, have asked several times what the cause is, only to be fobbed off, thus not giving any possiblity for reconciliation? They sounnd like drama vampires tbh - creating drama for the sake of it.

Re: your parents, I would be telling them that if they keep it up pandering to some blow in by cutting you out of stuff, then you're done with them, too.

I don't think you've lowered yourself. They had effectively gone NC without giving a reason-that's cowardly. And your sister was stringing you along with promises to see you soon. You've put it out there so that everyone knows where they stand and I think that's healthy.

I just wanted to send its really difficult, even more so if you have friends who have Mums that are their best friends. I'll read through all the posts in a bit then reply properly.

Your mum excludes you for fear of no contact with one GC but is happy to jeopardize her relationship with her other GC?

How odd? Unless she reckons there's no risk of no contact with your family, in which case point out to her that's exactly what she's risking.

Draw your line in the sand OP. They either stop treating you and your kids like shit or you are out. Their choice.

So SIL thinks that you were rude about a present & noone has said "oh, no I'm sure you're wrong".

They are all agreeing with SIL & have already cut you out on that basis.

She already has what she wants.

You're better off without them if they all think so little of you.

Might have been better to have just stopped contact rather than announcing it, but the outcome is the same.

Will your parents notice/care if you stop contact?

I have a sort of similar situation with my brother's wife. She can be incredibly rude and downright hostile when we are in company. She seems to single me out as the one to be completely stonewalled. But then other times she will happily talk to me and is all sweetness and light. My mum has asked my brother if he knows what her problem is with me (none of us can think of any occasion where I have done anything to offend her, I am generally a lovely, easy-going, quiet person), but he says he does not know.

We get around it by basically ignoring it. I do not avoid her. Everyone is invited to all family gatherings. Sometimes she comes along, other times she 'has plans; and my brother comes on his own with his kids. My mum is itching to confront her as she cannot stand the tension on the occasions she does attend but equally she does not want to risk my sister in law turning round and saying that she will never allow my neice and nephew to come visit their grandparents again (very very 'worst case scenario' really, but my mum would rather not risk it), so we all just generally ignore the enormous white elephant in the room at each family gathering. So much fun.

Who had the baby - you sister or sister in law?

It was my SiL who gave birth.

Yes Yams that it exactly what it is like! Seems so ridiculous written down though.

They've ostracised you without even bothering to give you the reasoning behind it. It's bloody cruel, is what it is.

I would ask outright what the problem is? Have you said or done something that you aren't aware of that has caused offence?

It's a truly awful feeling to be an outcast on the outside looking in. Then when you try to bring it up in a conversation to come up against blank facial expressions like you've imagined the whole thing.

I think you are right to go NC. You asked your DSis what the problem was and she said nothing, that was the point she should have been honest with you. As for not letting you see the baby and then lying and saying she will bring her round when she has no intention- that is awful behaviour and I would point that out to your DM as well, since she was so critical of your gratefulness of the gift.

It does sound ridiculous when you talk about it doesn't it? I mean we are all adults, this isn't the school playground. I'm 36 ffs, she and my brother are nearly 40.

I think the difference I have is that my parents are on my side. they would much rather have me there than her, and it feels a relief when they are invited and my brother says it'll just be him coming with the kids. Then we know we will be able to relax and just enjoy the day rather than my poor mum being all anxious about what kind of mood my sister in law is going to be in.

Some people are just odd. I have seen her act in a similar fashion with her own parents. She just thinks she is superior to everyone and if she doesn't feel like talking to 'the little people' then she just doesn't, and fuck what anyone thinks about her.

If there is a family gathering that you know about, what would happen if you just turn up anyway?

It's so obvious that it was the SIL that had the baby & that she is being kept sweet at all costs.

That said, is your mum's relationship with her other daughter so precarious that it hinges on the whims of your SIL?

I mean I know that we should take our partner's side-but not over every perceived slight?

I mean it's one thing for her to not like you Op, but that that translates into your own sister & parents excluding you is fucking ridiculous.

The baby has two parents FFS!

Fwiw, my mum thinks she is jealous of me. For what reason, I have no idea. They got all the 'firsts' in, first wedding (just me and my brother, no other siblings, he's older than me), first grandchild for my parents, only (so far) granddaughter (they have one of each, my husband and I have one child), my child is between their two age-wise, so they currently have the 'baby' in the family (we're ttc but they don't know that). She's got a better paid job, bigger house, all that stuff. It's just silly.

Your best bet is establishing a non judgemental supportive bond with your sil. If she feels accepted and liked, it will have a knock on effect.

"I mean it's one thing for her to not like you Op, but that that translates into your own sister & parents excluding you is fucking ridiculous."

Absolutely.

I don't think you need to make a statement of nc with your parents as your mum and dad are only too happy to fall in with whatever SIL dictates.

Had you said, some misunderstanding or open rows over politics, lifestyle etc I could better comprehend, but over a reaction one day over a present...?
Amazing how one perceived slight can blow up into such hostility. But it happens all the time. How are things with your other sibling? And does your dad ever speak up?
I suppose if they come round to your parents so often you'll only be hovering waiting to pick a moment when they're not over.
If SIL is this toxic maybe the rest will twig one day.

Be the bigger person. Say you don't understand why this has happened and especially why something so minor (if it even happened) has been turned into something dividing/breaking up a family. But, you're their daughter/sister; you love them and hope one day you can move past this.

this.

Though I think the fact that one incident a long time ago has lead to your own parents excluding you is awful. That will always leave a mark.

I think you just have to let them get on with it though, send that message and then withdraw gracefully and wait for them to make contact. At least, I'd say that if they were just friends .... the fact it's your own parents makes it much, much harder :( But since they are acting like this, you may not have much choice