To want my mum to prioritise me?

[JustCallMeAnna]

My sister's wife is jealous of how well my sister and I get on. Since they married she has increasingly alienated her from me. Before they married we all got on okay but SIL was a bit off with my mum and dad. Nothing major.

I think this might be one of those things that sometimes happens when people marry? Whilst they find their feet as a couple? Who knows? Anyway She should be my sisters primary concern as they are married, live together and last year had a child together. Of course my sister should put her first.
But not at the expense of everything else.

I've not seen the baby (have sent gifts etc) as they live a few hours drive away and come over here every couple of weeks.
Every time they come over since the baby came most of my family (parents and one other sibling) hide this from me as they don't want to create tension (!) my sister keeps saying not to bother going over as they will bring the baby to see me next time they are down but never do.

To clarify-we have NEVER had an actual falling out or even an argument

My own mum is scared that SiL will not let her see the baby so panders to her every whim including leaving me out of family celebrations so that they can come and lying by omission to my face.

It hurts and I just want to block them all out of my life. It's making me so bloody sad all the time. I have my own lovely little family and am quite a non confrontational person by nature so haven't had this out with my parents although they know how I feel because I have mentioned how odd I think it all is.

AIBU to think that I would be better off backing away from them all for my own mental health?

Exactly this:

Be blunt with your sister and Mum and say unless this is resolved you'll be going NC with all of them they can't pick & choose when you are part of their family

I would tell your parents that if they choose to ignore you and sideline you that you will remove yourself from the situation for good.

They are all being awful. It's almost like gaslighting pretending there's no problem when there clearly is. You're not paranoid.

Honestly if it was me I'd message your Mum and tell her that none of them will need to ignore your calls/texts any more or try to hide the fact that they're having family celebrations and excluding you and your DC,because you'll no longer be contacting any of them.

Say it's very obvious to everyone involved that they don't want to have any sort of contact or relationship with you or your DC and DH so you won't bother trying to have one with them anymore!

Honestly I went through this but it was one of my Brothers that had been an Arse and then blamed me even though my other Brother and parents knew the truth,I went NC with him.

My parents tried to guilt me into ignoring what he'd done but I refused,it was shit for a while I won't lie but my parents and my other Brother are now much closer to me and my family than they are to the Brother I went NC with.

He carried on being a twat and my parents could see how much happier my family was being NC with himand I'd asked them if they'd be so forgiving if it had happened to them and of course they wouldn't.
So they butted out and my relationships with my parents became better than it was before.

Where is your sister in all of this?

Why isn't she standing up for you/making sure you get invited/wanting to see you?

I think your dsis is just accepting the situation to keep her wife sweet. The SIL sounds quite domineering and maybe your sis is in the position of some abused partners who walk on eggshells around their partner? To try to cut you out of you sisters life sounds typical,of this type of possessive behaviour.

Unfortunately you will get nowhere with your sis until she decides to be more assertive.

You should however talk honestly to your parents and tell them how hurt you are. They are clearly between a rock and a hard place and know they will lose contact with their daughter and new grandchild. They still see you and your family just not all together. I'm sure they don't want this situation but see this as the only way to keep contact.

Tell them they can tell you if your sis is coming down and you won't expect an invite and will not react badly but just accept that's how it is. Tell,them it hurts not to receive their texts and you don't criticise their actions because you understand why they are acting this way. Just don't push them to choose between you or resent them for being put in an impossible position by the SIL

Then emotionally let it go

Whether you know why or not, something has happened. They have effectively gone NC with you. There must be a reason.

Can you see the marriage lasting? Are you prepared to wait it out?

Sounds like SIL is poison but that doesn't mean you should lose DM and DSis over it.

I mean if it's a simple case of your sister's wife not liking you then they are all being a bunch of simpering twats and can fuck off. They're your parents not hers. Who lets a daughter in law dictate the family dynamic like that? If your sister has married a horror that will be upset by your presence in your own parents' house, then I am afraid that's their problem and sil can stay at home. If your sister won't come without her or will be made to feel bad for leaving her behind, that is between your mum and your sister. There's no way they should be playing into her hands and excluding you. That's nuts!

I'm sure it must happen but got to say, it's the first time on here I've read about someone being 'wendied' out of their own family!

If indeed, that is what is going on. It's not all that clear to be honest.

I can't imagine how hurtful this must be.
Your sister is dropping you for her wife and like sheep your parents are following.

Sorry I've been away.

Just spoke with my mum and said how I feel and asked her what I had done-she said that SiL was pissed off with me that I didn't seem to like a present she bought for me and that I had come across as rude. This isn't like me but everyone sees things differently I suppose and it was ages and ages ago (before baby was born) so I can't remember if that's how I came across?

I'm baffled and saddened that it can all come to this over something as trivial as that.

I just messaged sister to say I'm going no contact. I don't know whether to do this with my parents too?

There's probably a counter thread on here from years ago by my SiL saying

'AIBU to think it's okay to cut out ungrateful bitch Anna for being rude and to not want her in my pfb's life'

It's very weird though, for you not to know the reason, and for them all to be going alone with it and allowing contact to be cut, particularly to the extent of your parents refusing to take your calls and excluding you from family events. That's serious and does look like they are siding with your sister and her wife..Are you sure you don't know what has caused this op?

God how petty. If that really is the reason.
I would be nc with your parents too only because I can't get my head around parents who avoid their children's phone calls etc. Plus your mums known about this for a while and has been happy to go along with it?! Sorry the whole things just a little too odd.

Well ffs. I wish you hadn't sent that text - you have just given your sil exactly what she was aiming for. No contact. You have all caved to her bollocks. Why?!

My mum said I had come across as rude. I don't think I'm like that but perhaps I was on this occasion? Who knows! I can't even remember it!

Sorry cross posted,,,

I probably have given her what she wanted but I'm so sick of feeling second rate.

Op, I think going no contact is wrong. Accept you came across as rude and apologise and hopefully it can all be mended.

Pictish - why would you want to hang around with so called family who think it's ok to prioritise someone being upset over 'not being grateful for a present' for years

I'd hate to see what they do to people they dont Like

Well ffs. I wish you hadn't sent that text - you have just given your sil exactly what she was aiming for. No contact. You have all caved to her bollocks. Why?!

Because you can't control other people's behaviour, just your own.

OP had already asked her sister what was wrong and sister said there was nothing - she's made her choice. If sister and SIL are going to continue to treat OP badly, what do you think she should do, stick around making herself miserable to spite them?!

Don't bother mending the relationship. The next time you look at somebody funny it will all start up again.

You need to take the bull by the horns and have a chat with your mum and sister together ideally. If not individually - write down what you intend to say so you don't go off track and say different things. But tell them they either explain why you're being excluded, give you a chance to be part of the family or they risk splitting the family by their actions. Good luck this would make me so angry but getting angry often loses the argument x

I wouldn't. I just don't understand why sil is so powerful in this situation.

The sil is only powerful if the op lets her be

And I think fucking off out of there is a pretty good decision.

Sorry I reread my post - I didn't mean it to sound confrontational. I just find threads like these quite difficult as I just can't get my head round why or how family can be so shit to each other?! My family aren't perfect (!) but I'd like to think they wouldn't disown me for a perceived slight years ago.

The worst thing is - the op has kids who have been dragged into this. They are being excluded. It's not healthy for them to see their cousin being treated favourably over them and their own grandmother shutting them out.