My birthday, no card from DH.

[Flossiesmummy]

A bit likely to out me, but I don't care.
It's my birthday and my DH just told me he'll get me a card "later" as he's been too busy.

AIBU to be upset over this? I feel like he just couldn't be arsed.

Happy birthday That sucks, he clearly cannot be bothered. Sad for the DC too. Is he planning on taking them out to get you a Mother's Day card?

..id also "forget" his birthday...what a dick

It's not a small thing tbh. It does sound exactly like he couldn't be arsed which means that he really didn't care that it would upset you. This is not the same as genuinely being too busy and forgetting, especially if he's had time to do the things he wants to. I would have a good hard look at the rest of your relationship if I were you and see whether he routinely puts himself and his wants first, in particular if he would kick off if he didn't have his birthday made special for him. If that's the case then he is basically saying that he thinks he's more important than you are. This is no way to live. When you are married you should each put the other person first, they are the one you love, but if you are putting him first and he's putting himself first too then you are doomed to being treated as a possession there to serve his needs not in a mutually satisfying relationship. It sounds as though there may be more of a back story here than just a missed card. Is he routinely selfish, does he only do things for you when it suits him? Does he only do things for you when he needs something from you in exchange?

For those saying that perhaps birthdays aren't that big a deal, they are. Well, at least when it's his birthday. Just not mine apparently.

Well no more. Works both ways.

Yanbu op, its selfish and thoughtless and shows a lack of appreciation towards you.

Don't be surprised though if someone pops up to tell you you're an adult and shouldn't celebrate birthdays. Mumsnet bingo and all that.

You are not bu!
There are no excuses.

I wish I would have nipped this in the bud when it first happened. It ended up no birthday, no valentines day, no Christmas no nothing from him ever. So the only person who suffered was me.
I truly should have dumped him the first time.

Pull him up on it and I bet he won't "forget" again.

A relationship where only one of you makes an effort is no relationship. I suggest you start making less effort for him, a lot less. Be less thoughtful to him, especially around occasions like Christmas and birthdays but day to day too. Spend the time and money that frees up on yourself and have a good think about what you want your future to look like.

I don't quite understand the business of giving someone you live with a greetings card. I mean I do it for the kids because it's traditional and expected...but they're actually not arsed about having one. I just do it because it's what you do.
Cards came about to send tidings to people you didn't see in person were they not? How is it that they have become so significant within a household?
I'm not criticising btw - I understand that you feel let down and disregarded by your dh and I'm sorry he has been so thoughtless.

Happy birthday!

Screw the card, go out in the afternoon on your own and treat yourself to coffee and cake - that's what I am doing anyway.

I'm sure if the OP had woken up to a special breakfast and some thoughtful gifts she'd not be upset about the lack of a card Pictish.

YANBU. It grinds my gears when people say that maybe it's just not a priority for someone as though that's some kind of get out clause. Part of being in a relationship is making an effort for some things because they are important to your partner, even if you're not particularly fussed. It's being considerate of your partner's feelings. As for being too busy, has he really been consistently and permanently too busy for the last 364 days? It's not as though birthdays just randomly pop up with little notice.

Happy birthday, OP.

Barbarian totally agree.

Hello in response to your query, no gift/card/breakfast/morning cup of coffee from DH or children.

That sucks even if he had forgotten it takes 5m to fold some paper in half and draw around wiggle children's hands. Make you cup of tea and give it to you in morning. Even if he did forget he could have pulled something out the bag.

Oh YANBU at all! Happy Birthday .

No YANBU HE IS THOUGH!

Honestly unless there's been loss in the family or someone's been seriously ill and it's affected him there is no excuse!

My DH never forgets mine and we have 5DC,2 of our DC are disabled and so am I and my DH is now my carer.

I don't say all that to make you feel bad but so you can see that your DH has been a fool to not have a card and presents ready for your birthday!
Don't let him of easily,your his Wife and the Mother of his children you should be remembered by him and your children on your birthday.

I know it won't be the same but I hope he makes it upto you and remembers to treat you well on your next birthday.

I don't believe there's any excuse. The date is the same every year, and this DH (and others) have 364 days to organise something.

I believe it really is down to not being bothered. These people are capable of being down a job, so a card, at least, is well within their capabilities.

OP, for his next birthday, treat him the same as he's treated you. IE, nothing.

Unless he's been incapacitated through illness or something, there really is no excuse.

Its the thought that counts. Or in this case the lack of it!

Flossie have you got friends/family you could go out with tonight to celebrate your birthday whilst he looks after the DC at home?

If you have go and have an amazing time,IT'S ST PATRICK'S DAY,wear a massive Birthday badge and you will get lots of drinks bought for you,have lots of fuss made of you and no doubt be asked for lots of dances by the Irish guys out celebrating.

I'm out tonight with our 2 oldest DC DS20 and DS18 as they're Father is Irish and my DH they're Dad, will be staying home and looking after the 3 younger children.

Happy birthday, OP.
I'm sorry it's such a disappointing one so far - I know that feeling of sadness at being un-thought-of and then feeling petty for feeling sad. My family didn't ever make a big deal of birthdays and holidays, so on the one hand I don't expect a fuss & have a weirdly stoical attitude about disappointment being character-building. But on the other hand I do feel wistful about it sometimes. I turned 40 at the weekend and got 2 birthday cards - neither of which was from my DH! He realised the next day and made me one. Which was nice, but clearly an afterthought. We have a good marriage, but it's pretty no-frills, and sometimes that does make me feel a bit sad.

I was married for many years to man who did this with everything - birthdays, Christmas, anniversary, etc. At most, he would rush out on the day and buy me a bunch of flowers from the nearest garage. It is upsetting but, like you, I always felt as if I was making a fuss about something relatively small, so I'd end up feeling petty (even though he liked us to make a big deal about his birthday). When there are a lot of 'small' things, though they start to add up. My exh not only ignored my birthdays but regularly arranged treats for himself on the day (golfing trip, etc.). Eventually, I just started arranging a treat for myself with friends or bought myself something nice rather than expecting him to do anything. I know at least three friends in very long marriages who also do this, so I don't think it's that unusual.

YANBU - my husband did this last year but not sure if he forgot or didn't bother. I felt very unappreciated but at the same time felt I was being a bit petty. My kids made an effort and for the sake of them I booked us all lunch and didn't let his lack of acknowledgement spoil the day. Maybe you could do something similar? Do yourself a party tea with a cake and help your kids celebrate it but let him know how it's made you feel. If he's flippant then maybe look at your whole relationship and if he treats you, shows his appreciation, love etc in other ways. My husband does little stuff like brings me up a coffee every morning etc etc otherwise there'd be problems. I have to remember this when he does crap birthdays. Hope you have a great day and don't let it get you down 🎂🥂

For those saying that perhaps birthdays aren't that big a deal, they are. Well, at least when it's his birthday. Just not mine apparently.

It's not about the card, it's about the utter hypocrisy of wanting more than you're willing to give.

How does it make it known that he wants his birthdays to be special, OP?

YANBU op. Birthdays are a big deal in my house for adults and children alike.

Happy Birthday.