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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Middle name for new baby may upset MIL...

85 replies

Coughandsplutter · 16/03/2017 23:09

We are expecting number two soon and if we have a girl we would like to use my mum's first name and it's middle name. This may annoy MIL. How would you play this and AIBU for really wanting to do this? It'd mean a lot to me, my mum and also was my grandmother's name. Unfortunately MIL'S name is not something I like so won't be using it.

OP posts:
SoulAccount · 17/03/2017 08:57

If she acts up laugh and say 'Ds has a middle name originally chosen by you, both have your surname, so you have your fair share of names!' In a lighthearted way and then don't engage.

SoulAccount · 17/03/2017 08:59

I feel so greatful not to come from a family where 'honouring ' people through names is a 'thing'.

Original poster
Coughandsplutter · 17/03/2017 09:01

DH was a bit worried at first but then as time has gone on he says she'll have to get on with it!

OP posts:
amusedbush · 17/03/2017 09:25

This makes me glad that both of my parents and both of my PIL have ugly names that neither DH or I like, and so would never use for a baby BlushGrin

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 · 17/03/2017 09:32

I get where you're coming from, my DD1s middle name is my mums name. The women in my family have been alternating names through the generations for 5 generations (i.e, calling daughters after their mothers) until me! I just didnt like the name, and neither does my DM, she goes by her middle name so now her and DD share a middle name. It meant a lot to her I could tell.

Now expecting DD2 and there was an unspoken intent that this time we would have a nod to MIL... but I don't like her name either! I asked DH early on if he wanted to include anything from his family and he said yes if we had a boy (traditional name passing down again). But we have DD2 on the way, so... we told his family what her name would be early on so they wouldn't have false expectations! They were fine about it, but I do feel a tad mean for his mum... If we have a son we can use their family name if its still important to DH ;)

2ndSopranos · 17/03/2017 09:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Isadora2007 · 17/03/2017 09:51

You could just tell MIL the middle name was related to the Dr and it's just a coincidence it's the same as your GM and mum.
Or concentrate on the gran link. And downplay the mum link. Honestly if my sons future child was named after his MIL I would be a little bit hurt... no one likes to feel left out no matter how old.

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2017 10:04

"Why do people think this woman has the right to feel hurt? No one is entitled to have a baby named after them."

It's not a matter of having the "right" to feel hurt. And if she "kicks up a fuss" or anything like that of course she needs to be told to get a grip. But if you can do something nice that might stop someone feeling a bit sad, then why wouldn't you?

sycamore54321 · 17/03/2017 11:52

Just to clarify my post - I don't give my children horrific names. I also don't give them names to honour anybody in my family - I dislike this practice personally. I think though that if you do choose to name one child after your mother, then the other grandmother is not unreasonable in feeling hurt. The OP has said she chose her mum's name as it would mean a lot to her mother and grandmother, suggesting that it is not a name she would have chosen if her relatives were called something else and it were purely a question of taste. So while of course everybody can and should name their babies what they like, you can reasonably foresee that the other grandmother might feel excluded.

cuppateamalady · 18/03/2017 12:08

My DS has his own first name, and two middle names are after my two brothers. He was only supposed to have the middle name of my 2nd brother, which incidentally happens to be my paternal grandads name. Then my elder of my two brothers passed away when I was 7mths pregnant, so his first name was slipped in there too (have probably outed myself now). My inlaws, although pains in the backside sometimes, have never questioned his names or why DH and I chose those names.

dorisdog · 18/03/2017 12:09

Announce the name. I don't really understand why a baby name would be a consultative process with anyone other than the parents.

BarryTheKestrel · 18/03/2017 12:12

I honestly can't be dealing with the politics of it. Me and DH decided long before we had DD that if our first was a girl she was would my DMs name as her middle name, if our first was a boy he would have MILs name as his middle name (her name is traditionally a boys name and even now is more common as a boys name). We had DD so she got my DMs name as her middle name. When/If we have DC2 their middle name will be MILs name unless it doesn't fit with a name we choose.

Both DM and MIL are aware of this and also know that names are only going to be used if they fit with the rest of their name chosen by us.

It's not a snub. It's a non issue.

Leeannb · 18/03/2017 12:13

My son has his grandads middle name, which was his great nanas name too.
He didn't meet any of his great grandparents as my mums parents passed years ago and my dads parents passed just months before my son was born (1 in October 2013 and the other in Dec 2013. My son was born Feb 2014)

It wasn't something I planned but when I went to register his birth the lady asked about middle names. And that one just popped out. I hadn't even thought Of middle names.

It's entirely upto you and your other half though. If you like it, go for it! Smile

NeverNic · 18/03/2017 12:26

Honouring people in names isn't really a thing my parents did and they thought it was strange we did. There was a tradition we followed from OH's side so we did that. With our second I wanted to use my grandfather's middle name (which I liked anyway and even my siblings didn't know was his name). We also then added another name to honour someone who passed just before he was born, and was very close to DH.

In laws seem to have a rather small pool of names, and they all have each other's mn. That I find a little weird.

To answer your question though, it's your child and your choice. I also absolutely wouldn't discuss names beforehand. My only feeling with names is that you should check if you are naming after someone who has just passed and think twice about using a name that someone else has already confided that they are to use for their soon to be born child (though this is part of the reason why I wish people didn't speak about names!!).

Soon2bmummyto2 · 18/03/2017 12:31

Congrats on your pregnancy, I'm expecting baby number 2 and having a boy, we're going to give him hubbys name as his middle name as hubby has his late fathers name as his middle name our daughter has no family names at all we didn't reveal our daughters name till after she was born we have mentioned the middle name of our son to both sets of parents and both love it, still undecided on first name that will remain a suprise till his birth, your baby your decision at the end of the day xx

Oriunda · 18/03/2017 12:48

Two middle names? You mother's first and then the MIL. It's no issue having two, and the only time they'll be used in full is on the passport or similar documents. My son has two and neither are ever used, but they keep both sides happy.

MikeUniformMike · 18/03/2017 12:48

Tell your MIL that you are naming the baby after Your grandmother. Hope it's a girl or David Florence Coughandsplutter may hate you.

EweAreHere · 18/03/2017 13:10

She doesn't get a vote, end of. She had her chance to name babies.

Name your baby what you want to name your baby.

SuperFlyHigh · 18/03/2017 13:11

Family names for me won't be along the lines of previous family names. I can see why some people do this but there's no obligation to do this with either side of the family.

Disclaimer... When my mum had DB and me both of us were not named family names at all, though I had her maiden name, which is French and a bit unusual as a middle name.

It probably pissed off her ILs but they didn't really get on anyway...

SuperFlyHigh · 18/03/2017 13:12

Oriunda why two middle names just to keep MIL and DM happy?! People pleasing or what?!

bigbluebus · 18/03/2017 13:19

Does MIL's mother have a name you might like and could use instead? My DD's middle name was DH's grandmother's name. We didn't like his Mother's name particularly although one of her forenames has now appeared in the top 20 girls names!

My DS had my father's name as his middle name - noone on DH's side of the family batted an eyelid - although DFIL's name had already been used as a middle name by an older child in the family.

neonrainbow · 18/03/2017 13:21

My fil is so pissed off that we used my dads name and not his that he hasn't met my 12 week old twins yet.

EweAreHere · 18/03/2017 13:44

neon, then your FIL is an ass. His loss, not yours.

HPFA · 18/03/2017 13:45

We didn't give DD a middle name. Beginning to think that was a wise decision!!

3luckystars · 18/03/2017 13:52

He has her surname.