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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Middle name for new baby may upset MIL...

85 replies

Coughandsplutter · 16/03/2017 23:09

We are expecting number two soon and if we have a girl we would like to use my mum's first name and it's middle name. This may annoy MIL. How would you play this and AIBU for really wanting to do this? It'd mean a lot to me, my mum and also was my grandmother's name. Unfortunately MIL'S name is not something I like so won't be using it.

OP posts:
madcapcat · 17/03/2017 06:18

If you really want to keep the peace, was your mil's maiden name something you could add as a second middle name? Obviously depends on the name though - jemima jane finklebum Smith would not have quite the right ring to it....

ZigZagIntoTheBlue · 17/03/2017 06:24

My dh was the first to say we can not bother with his family names as he gets the surname. Both ds's have family names from my side as their middle name. Ds2 also has dh middle name but only because it's coincidentally my grampas middle name! Do what you want and congratulations!

sticklebrix · 17/03/2017 06:34

If it ever comes up: 'We felt it was only fair to have a name from our family this time because the dc have your family surname and we used DH's name last time'.

It probably won't have occurred to her that the family surname isn't 'yours'.

PastysPrincess · 17/03/2017 06:38

Your baby, your choice. I had a similar issue with my MiL. I just told her if we passed on every traditional family name my son would have about 10 middle names.

ShowMePotatoSalad · 17/03/2017 06:39

You don't have to placate your MIL or come up with excuses or lie about why you chose the name. It's absolutely fine to give your DD your mum's middle name. If anyone's got a problem with that, it's their problem.

Don't worry about it OP.

flumpybear · 17/03/2017 06:42

If she whitters just tell her that DS and DD have fathers sides surname as well as middle name for your DS so you're not favouring anyone just nice to have some of your family connection

WeAreEternal · 17/03/2017 06:45

I have the same fear.

DM has a beautiful name, when we have another dc if it is a girl I am desperate to call her DMs name but I don't want to upset MIL by doing this, I love her to bits do would never want to upset her.
We can't use her name as a middle name with it as the don't go together at all.
DH think I'm crazy for worrying as we are not even ttc yet.

flumpybear · 17/03/2017 06:45

Oh by the way, we chose two middle names for our children, one from each side of the family - my mum didn't like the name we'd used fro her 'side' (which was Helena - an extension of her middle name Helen) so she actually asked us to change it to a name she liked ...... Pascale, which has no family meaning at all!?!? .... even suggested we use Deed poll to change it!!!!
Needless to say my DD is 9 and still has Helena as one of her middle names Wink

MajesticWhine · 17/03/2017 06:48

We didn't use any family names because our families don't particularly like each other so it could easily have caused offence. Don't like DMs name or DMils name though to make it easier. YANBU and good luck with your baby (and your Mil)

Craicvac · 17/03/2017 06:53

If there's a problem, I'd focus on the fact that DS is named after that side of the family, so it's only fair that DD is named after yours.

BertrandRussell · 17/03/2017 07:02

Of course it's up to you what you name your baby. But your MIL may well feel a bit hurt-seems perfectly natural to me. Why not give her 3 names? You want everyone to be as happy as possible around the birth the baby - why do something that might make anyone a little bit sad if you can avoid it? Both of my children have third names I don't particularly care for, but they made two people disproportionality happy. And incidentally both children love the link to the past their. Ames give them.

ZanyMobster · 17/03/2017 07:18

This is the reason we didn't use any family names for our DCs. We chose names we liked for first and middle, I can understand why MIL could be upset (whether she has a right to or not). Doesn't mean you shouldn't do it but if she is a nice person then just be mindful of her feelings.

Iamastonished · 17/03/2017 07:32

Does she even know what your mum's middle name is?

If she doesn't just tell her you picked that name because you like it. There is no need to justify it. And if she does kick up a fuss tell her about the doctor involved in your fertility treatment.

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 17/03/2017 07:42

As the baby will have their surname, I think giving your mum's name is fine! Maybe pitch it like that when you tell them?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 17/03/2017 07:45

I'd feel hurt. She may not.

diddl · 17/03/2017 07:45

3 names just to appease a grown up??

Bloody hell!

Presumbly she chose her son's name which her GS now has as a middle name-isn't that enough?

Plus the same surname, of course!

Original poster
Coughandsplutter · 17/03/2017 07:52

I can see people's opinions about adding her name but I don't like her first name and it really wouldn't go with baby's potential first name and my mum's name as it would be a character from a book! I can't give specifics as it would give my Id away!! Both GC would have her surname and DS1 has hubby's first name as middle name. I just feel I do so much to keep the peace where she is concerned that I don't want to back down for this.

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 17/03/2017 07:55

Why do people think this woman has the right to feel hurt? No one is entitled to have a baby named after them. Confused

Italiangreyhound · 17/03/2017 08:01

Sycamore"I do think though that not using MIL's name because you don't like it (you don't mention your husband's opinion) comes across as a bit mean."

How is it mean to not use a name you do not like for your own baby?

"Middle names to honour someone are not primarily about your tastes and preferences, and most people half expect middle names to be horrific anyway."

I love my kids names and would never saddle them with any name so considered horrific.

OP if you think she will be upset you could tell her now and give her time to get over it. If I felt sad at a choice I'd rather have time to get over it. But generally I do agree to not telling name until baby I'd born.

Congratulations and good luck.

Flowers
diddl · 17/03/2017 08:01

My son has the same middle name as my husband & FIL.

He wouldn't have had if either of us hadn't liked it.

Didn't occur to me that any of the GPs would care either way tbh.

My daughter has my maternal GM's middle name as a middle name-that was always going to happen & again, I didn't give a thought to anyone else.

OP, what does your husband think-is he full of angst about about how his mum my feel/react?

Gwenhwyfar · 17/03/2017 08:14

" Middle names to honour someone are not primarily about your tastes and preferences, and most people half expect middle names to be horrific anyway. "

You'd give your child a horrific name on purpose??

Oddsocksforeveryone · 17/03/2017 08:16

Our dd's first name is a combination of my great grandmother and grandmothers names. My MIL didn't like it. But I don't think that had anything to do with her being named after my family. She didn't like that we double barrelled her surname and didn't give her a middle name either.
I lost my nan years ago and the name connection means a lot to me.
Interestingly we discussed giving dd my mum's name because we both like it and it is unusual, we never told our parents though as I know his mother would have gone bonkers. MIL has a name that we wouldn't have chosen. I have 3 dc and have found that sometimes people will be upset/opinionated no matter what you do so just do what you want as a couple. Good luck

dowhatnow · 17/03/2017 08:20

Just say it's after the doctor and keep your mum out of it.

NameChange30 · 17/03/2017 08:50

Tbh it sounds as if your MIL is difficult so it would be wise to enforce some boundaries. If it's not this it will be something else that annoys her, so please don't give in. Your child's name is too important.

WhyOhWine · 17/03/2017 08:56

Both our DC's middle names came from my side of the family. We thought it was ok since they have DH's surname. MIL still thought it unfair because there was nothing reflecting her side of the family (as opposed to FIL's). But (1) she had taken FIL's name and (2) didn't choose to name any of her own DC after her side of the family! She got over it quickly.