DH going out on anniversary of DM's death - AIBU?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

DH was going to stay in with me tomorrow (he usually goes out on Fri night) for 2 reasons:

1. I have got a new job
2. It's the anniversary of my mum's death (3 years).

He has found out that his friend's wife's birthday do is tomorrow night and is pleading with me to find an emergency babysitter and go out with him. I refused, as I don't want to go dancing on the anniversary of my mother's death - we didn't get on that well but it still wouldn't feel right.

DH is now upset with me for not wanting to go out with him (I did complain recently that he never asks me anywhere, tbf) and has said that there are only 365 days in the year so taking 1 for just mourning seems restrictive .

I have told him (calmly) that he can go alone if he wants to - I refuse to ask him to stay with me. I don't want to be that person.

AIBU to be a bit upset at his attitude though?

...find it a bit odd to spend the third anniversary of your mum's death mourning, particularly as you didn't have a good relationship

Sometimes mourning a complex or difficult relationship is actually harder and more stressful than mourning a straightforward one.

When you lose your mum but you didn't really get on, you get a triple whammy: you grieve your mum and the relationship you had, you grieve the relationship you should have had, but didn't, and you grief the loss of opportunity that there's any chance things might change and improve.

op. My mum died very suddenly in April last year, so I am just approaching the anniversary of her death. It is so very hard.

Yanbu.

No one can or should tell you how to grieve. Including some posters on here

He's being a selfish git.

I am sorry for your loss Tootsiepops you absolutely get it. It is so complex, possibly moreso than for a straightforward relationship (not that I'd know, having few bases for comparison in my family).

Update: DH came up last night eventually. I took the advice of a poster upthread and spoke to him this morning about feeling hurt and like I was being pressured into wanting to go out when I didn't. I explained that that response had really upset me.

He said that he was surprised, that that was never his aim, that he thought he'd handled the situation well and that me being upset was a complete shock to him he then mentioned that of course he intended to stay home, hadn't he made that clear?

As someone who's lost both my parents, I do think you're being a bit unreasonable. I'm one of the life is for living brigade. I think of my parents on their anniversaries (I think of them daily tbh) but it doesn't stop me living my life.

Having said that, everyone grieves differently.

Sorry posted at same time. I'm pleased you've anaged to speak to him about it and you've come to a resolution x

Just wanted to wish you well today, op, I shall be thinking of you. My dear dad died over 10 years ago and I only ever go out on the anniversary of his death when it's a really important occasion (dh's friend's wife's birthday wouldn't cut it for me unless she was a close friend of mine!), and even less likely to since ds came along! My relationship with my dad was very close in the end, but very difficult for years. Didn't mean I stopped loving him, or wouldn't have been devastated if he died before our relationship had been repaired. Like you, I do things my dad loved - I often visit a coffee shop too, and since he was a huge geek, do something terribly geeky as well. I like to celebrate his life, but acknowledge I am very sad he is no longer here. While I think of him every day, the anniversary brings it home to me how long he has been gone and all the things he missed out on, so I think it's perfectly fine to have a bit of a mope! One thing I always do, is think of the ways he enriched my life. While he never met my dh, if it hadn't been for a present my dad gave me, I'd probably not have met him. And every time my ds smiles (which is a lot!) he looks just like my dad. It's wonderful.

I hope you can explain to your dh how you feel, it is complicated to grieve for someone, especially when your relationship with that person was complicated.

And congratulations on your new job!

Ah, so glad you spoke (takes forever to post with ds about!)

OP you shouldn't have to explain yourself at all. My mum died almost 20 years ago and I always mark her anniversary with my family (dad and siblings) we go to the grave and have a mass said in her memory. I cannot imagine forgetting the date or not remembering the day together.

For the poster who said something about just being a day to indulge yourself I thought that was particularly nasty and insensitive. I always feel very sad around my mum's anniversary and dread the lead up to it but for the rest of the year I am fine.

I agree with Ashvis that the date always brings home how long you have lived your life without them and how you wish they were still with you and no I don't feel the same about GP's etc - just my mum.

Glad you are chatting to your DH about your feelings, I do think that men are generally less sensitive to these times but clearly judging by some of the posts on here there are a fair few women too (assuming that it isn't just blokes posting on this thread).

It doesn't really matter how others choose to spend anniversaries, the OP can do whatever she wants.

In my family we lost someone 13 years ago, but most of us take the day off and we spend it going to a place she liked (so different every year). For many others that will seem over the top, but it's important to us.

Interesting that in your last post, in the 3rd paragraph, that you have said you didn't pick up on the fact he had indicated he intended to stay home, and yet you have persuaded him that he needs some kind of counselling

Maybe, now you are both aware that neither of you are able to "read" what the other one is saying, then it's a case of both of you making sure you are a bit clearer in what you are trying to say to each other, and that it makes sense in the future to check the other person has 'got' what you are trying to say.

This thread just shows how different we all are and how everyone must do what is different for themselves. I am an only child and my parents died a few years ago (with 4 months of each other) but I am embarrassed to admit I can't remember the dates of their deaths and I never visit their grave but I do remember them and loved them very much.

you have said you didn't pick up on the fact he had indicated he intended to stay home

That is because he absolutely did not say such a thing! In fact he declared his intention of going out!

I already go to counselling and he has commented on how much less angry I seem. We had a pretty calm conversation this morning and he agreed that if we can't seem to have a mutually understood conversation, then we have a problem. I am already being seen to (as it were), so maybe we can improve matters by getting him to talk to someone as well.

motheroftwoboys there's nothing to be ashamed of - everyone remembers their family differently.

Grief is unique. Only you know how you feel and what will help on extra hard days like anniversaries.
Be gentle on yourself and do what feels right.

Thinking of you today Lady

La, not Lady- sorry, fat fingers

I don't understand your reasoning and I can understand your husband's disappointment, but you shouldn't be made to feel bad. Hope today isn't too hard.

Glad you got it sorted OP. For what it's worth, I don't think YABU at all.

My best friend died 8 years ago next week and I still wouldn't be up to a big night out on the anniversary. I don't mope on the day, but it feels wrong to celebrate on that day. Similarly, my birthday is two days before and I still haven't celebrated that aside from a meal out with DH. Just doesn't feel right to me. It's a very individual thing.

Tootsie "Sometimes mourning a complex or difficult relationship is actually harder and more stressful than mourning a straightforward one." I totally agree with this.

Contrssa have you heard of the Myers Briggs Personality Type Indicator?

When Dh and I were dating we went on a holiday to explore this. We discovered we were exact opposites! I was extrovert, he introvert (we had worked that one out by ourselves).I was a feeler, he a thinker,;of course thinkers feel and feelers think! But it is all about where you draw you energy from.

The others two areas we were opposite too, although less so. Whether a details and immediate knowledge type person or a big picture person; and a planner or spontaneous.

Oh lord - I should think we'd be totally dissimilar Italian! I used to be an INTJ but I feel I may have drifted into ENTJ territory over the years; he OTOH has always been firmly E, IMO

We ended up having a nice evening yesterday - takeaway+wine and chilling on the sofa, cuddled up. We haven't done that in a long time so it was a positive step. One day at a time I guess....

I always find it a bit odd to commemorate the day someone died. I couldn't tell you the death dates of any of my loved ones. I tend to think of them on their birthdays and raise a glass to them. I think that's a bit healthier mentally speaking

YANBU to not want to go out, I'm surprised that you expect your husband to stay in with you though.

I didn't expect him to Diddl; I was annoyed that he was annoyed at me for NOT wanting to go out with him though (if that makes sense)

Ok, my misunderstanding, sorry.

It's alright, my convoluted explanation above indicates that it's easy to misunderstand!!