DH going out on anniversary of DM's death - AIBU?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

DH was going to stay in with me tomorrow (he usually goes out on Fri night) for 2 reasons:

1. I have got a new job
2. It's the anniversary of my mum's death (3 years).

He has found out that his friend's wife's birthday do is tomorrow night and is pleading with me to find an emergency babysitter and go out with him. I refused, as I don't want to go dancing on the anniversary of my mother's death - we didn't get on that well but it still wouldn't feel right.

DH is now upset with me for not wanting to go out with him (I did complain recently that he never asks me anywhere, tbf) and has said that there are only 365 days in the year so taking 1 for just mourning seems restrictive .

I have told him (calmly) that he can go alone if he wants to - I refuse to ask him to stay with me. I don't want to be that person.

AIBU to be a bit upset at his attitude though?

I don't know or care what other people do ThePiglet. I do not feel moved to dance and socialise at the moment. If I didn't go out because I 'just don't feel like it', would that be an ok reason?

It doesn't matter anyway. He will go out, I will stay in. Thank you all for your opinions.

If I really didn't want to go somewhere (and I am not a great socialite really) then the "no babysitter" line came to my rescue more than once.

Not living near family, it had more than a hint of truth about it.

You don't want to go out on the anniversary of your DM‘s death. You didn't get on that well. You don't want to go out and celebrate, but you want to stay in and celebrate your new job. You complain your DH never takes you out, but he's invited you out and you don't want to go. TBH I'm not surprised he's humphed off upstairs, it all sounds confusing and manipulative.

But it's not about what her mother would have wanted or what she should or shouldn't be feeling - it's about how LaContessa feels right now about the anniversary of her mother's death. And really she can feel and act however the hell she wants - bereavement is such a personal, specific experience. No one can tell her she should want to go dancing to celebrate the life if what she wants to do is mourn the death. LaContessa - stay home, wallow a bit if that's what you need, raise a glass to her and no, YANBU.

Ffs, there is no right or wrong way to grieve. If the op wants to stay in on the anniversary of her Mum's death that's fine. It's irrelevant what anyone else would do. It's fine to remember an occasion happy or sad the way that you want.
Your DH ibu.
I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can op.

I don't think yabu op. Sorry for your loss. I hope you have a peaceful night in remembering your mum and looking forward to your future at your new job. I completely understand why you don't wish to go out.

YANBU at all. Your DH should just understand that it is a one day thing and let you get on with it. It's not like you're holding him back from doing what he pleases. Why should you put on a 'smile' when you don't feel like it and vice versa.

I get that people remember the loved ones differently. Just because others here suggest you go out and dance doesn't mean it is the right thing to do for you.

I feel like you should stay at home and let your DH go out, like you suggested then you two can celebrate your new job the next day.

It is only ONE day and your DH can bring you out next Friday and the one after. Just because you mentioned to him that he doesn't brings you out, doesn't mean you have to go out when it is not convenient for you.

Your DH should be more understanding but I suppose he is not a mind reader. I'm sure he will be fine when you explain it to him properly.

Pretty gobsmacked with the comments lecturing someone in how they should grieve from the loss of their mum.

Yes, Thepiglet people do do the anniversary of someone passing, I will be sure to inform my mum, who lost her life partner of over 45 years and my sister in law, who lost her son in a knifing that you find them odd! Fine, you do not do it, but to say you find it odd that people do is thoughtless and unnecessary.

I think it's very unfair that he's getting stroppy that you wot go out with him and I think it would be considerate if he stayed with you, since how you want to mark the day is what is important.

Hope tomorrow isn't too hard and your new job will be a new, different association for the day for the future.

I don't think yabu at all. He sounds like a childish arsewipe though

Congrats on the job, and I hope tomorrow goes as well as it can

"You don't need a special day to remember your mother, she will always be in your thoughts."

I agree with this ^^

My mum died 26 years ago, and I will always remember her, but life doesn't come to a standstill on the anniversary of her death. I think of her with nostalgia rather than sadness.

A little shocked at others telling LaContessa how she should be feeling or what she should be doing. Whilst I grieve daily for my mum, the anniversary is always a particularly hard day as it marks it being that much more time since I last saw her. I definitely would not want to party, although I would not judge others for doing so. I do, however, celebrate on her birthday. Grieving is such a personal thing and I am sorry that others would try to make you feel unreasonable for your choice.
I understand wanting your partner to show support without being asked, but it is a really hard thing for those who haven't experienced it to understand...Ultimately you are not being unreasonable at all, but try to tell him how you are feeling and I would hope he would stay with you.
Sending love for tomorrow and be kind to yourself.

You might not need a special day to remember your mum, but other people do. There is no shame in that, no selfishness, no expecting life to come to a standstill because of you. Just because you cope with bereavement that way doesn't mean everybody else has to.

Sounds like he goes out every single Friday night regardless of what you or anyone else might want, and won't spoil his fun even to support you. YANBU.
for you OP, good luck tomorrow.

Thanks - I'm all teary now, dammit

It will be fine. I will collect the DC from school and take them for a coffee/hot choc, because my mother lived her life in coffee shops then we can pick up a pizza on the way home, because fuck it.

I will call my dad, and maybe my aunt and grandfather too. My sister will probably adhere to the MN-approved mourning method of going out and dancing, so I probably won't call her as she will be busy!

It will be fine. Thanks for the support

I think it's a personal thing really isn't it?

Tomorrow is also the anniversary of my mother's death, although she died 14 years ago.

It's also St Patrick's Day and we're an Irish family, so most of the family will be out, including my dad. They'll go to the cemetery in the day and on to a pub at night, to raise a glass in her memory.

But not everyone deals with these things the same way and it took us a lot longer than 3 years, to feel comfortable about it.

YANBU to feel the way you do

Oh and it took me three years to manage to celebrate my birthday again after she died, because mine is 2 days after hers. I found it a challenge to go from 'sad' to 'PARTY TIME' in 2 days flat; strangely everyone accepted my feelings on those occasions!!

So I did celebrate last year (sort of) and it was nice. Just not feeling it right now.

LaContessaDiPlump it's you call but I think staying in because it is the third anniversary of your mother's death is not a really good idea. It's not what I would feel compelled to do, and you posted here for ideas so that is mine.

If you do not want to go, don't go.

In once sense I think your dh should stay in and support you if you are still grieving but I must say i loved my mum dearly, she drove me mad too but I am not still grieving after one year, let alone three.

I feel life is for the living.

I sense you have more issues with your dh, is that the case?

If you do have other issues, address them, IMHO.

If not, let him go out, be at home and relax and celebrate your new job the following night with something you want to do.

Eat all the pizza, drink all the wine and hug your DC tight. Life sucks some times, but make sure you ignore all those idiots who said YABU.

Well it's not unreasonable as it's how you feel. Personally would find it a little strange and don't think your Dh is unreasonable either. Would the person who has gone really want you moping around on a particular day every year? I would hate my dds to do that.

Thanks Worra - I'm sorry for your loss too

I was considering getting some Guinness actually - she did quite like it, although she liked to pretend she was such a Lady

I think YABU from the pov of sending him mixed messages, he's not a mind reader.
He asked you if you wanted to go, you understandably said no.
We all act differently in grief, what one person sees as acceptable another person may not understand, so YANBU here.