DH going out on anniversary of DM's death - AIBU?

[LaContessaDiPlump]

DH was going to stay in with me tomorrow (he usually goes out on Fri night) for 2 reasons:

1. I have got a new job
2. It's the anniversary of my mum's death (3 years).

He has found out that his friend's wife's birthday do is tomorrow night and is pleading with me to find an emergency babysitter and go out with him. I refused, as I don't want to go dancing on the anniversary of my mother's death - we didn't get on that well but it still wouldn't feel right.

DH is now upset with me for not wanting to go out with him (I did complain recently that he never asks me anywhere, tbf) and has said that there are only 365 days in the year so taking 1 for just mourning seems restrictive .

I have told him (calmly) that he can go alone if he wants to - I refuse to ask him to stay with me. I don't want to be that person.

AIBU to be a bit upset at his attitude though?

Sip it out of a champagne flute?

Oh sorry OP cross posted, things have moved on!

Can I just ask why you feel bad about having fun on the anniversary of her death? Would she have wanted you to feel this? I would hope not. It's totally your call how you spend the day.

I do feel that grieving is about moving on (of course at your own pace).

I hope it will all be fine for you.

Your DM, your choice how you want to spend the anniversary.
I lost my DM 8 years ago. Most years I visit her grave, have a chat, shed a tear. One year the anniversary coincided with the first day of our family holiday and we were jetting off to sunny Spain. I missed the usual visit but the rest of the family persuaded me that DM wouldn't have minded a jot.
But it's up to you. How you feel and how you want to spend the day. Don't be railroaded into doing anything you don't want to do. And 3 years is still very recent in my book.

Christ, my mother was the Empress of Moping. She could mope at an Olympic level. She'd be offended if I didnt!!

You do what works for you and 3 years is no time at all. I would have been seriously teed off with my DH if he'd suggested I was wrong for not wanting to go out on the anniversary of my DM's death.

My DM died 25 years ago this year and sometimes I do have to think hard what the day is but it's taken a long time to get there.

I think there are Anniversary People and there are Non Anniversary People. The two types might logically understand each other but they don't relate.

I'm a Non Anniversary Person. I wouldn't want to stay in for a 3 yr anniversary and neither would I ask anyone else to stay in for the same. I don't observe them. My own very loved mum died 12 years ago and while I think about and remember her all the time, I usually miss the anniversary of her death. I don't particularly want to mark it tbh...it was a deeply harrowing time.

Anniversary People view it differently I know.

They will never agree.

Well, a bit offended; I may be doing her a disservice there. I do have a family of people who would consider me completely normal in my reaction though, so really surprised to read so many different accounts.

I don't think yabu to not want to go out, my brother has been dead 15 years and i still wouldn't feel like going out on his anniversary, however i think you need to work out what you do want and talk to DH, he's not a mind reader, everyone deals with grief differently and some years you might feel different to others (I have been known to beg DH's best mate to take DH out on my brothers anniversary so i could have some peace, other years I haven't wanted to be alone)

Dh and I have been having trouble recently, it's true. I find myself less and less inclined to explain basic human emotion to him, and instead just bottle it up. It's rather lonely.

I think he is trying to be supportive but juat doesn't understand how. I do sometimes tell him what I need, but if it differs from previous experiences then he gets terribly confused and annoyed at the inconsistency. It's exhausting.

I just want to not be at fault for not wanting to go out. That's it.

See OP my mum wasn't a moper and asides birthdays and Christmas, made no observation of sentimental anniversaries herself. She didn't even want a funeral...said to leave her body to medical science and go out for a meal and a drink to toast her instead.
It is easy to see why we both hold the perspectives we do, isn't it?

pictish "I think there are Anniversary People and there are Non Anniversary People. The two types might logically understand each other but they don't relate."

I completely agree.

I 'remembered the anniversary of dad's death for years, for my mum, when she also died it did not feel necessary to do the same. It doesn't mean I did not love her, it means I choose to remember her when I eat Licorice All sorts, as I just have. I remember her in the everyday and ordinary. I think, for me, it works.

LaContessaDiPlump "I do have a family of people who would consider me completely normal in my reaction though, so really surprised to read so many different accounts."

I don't personally consider you abnormal, I just think we have a choice how we do things, and why we do them. If this is the way you choose to do things, great. But if you ever feel you wish to do things differently, I think you are free to do so and I don't think your mum would be upset with you.

I understand what you're saying, Italian and Pictish - however, this is what I'm comfortable with. I tend to cling to these things; I never realised so many don't. Food for thought.

Anyway. I need to go to sleep now, or I'll be tired and grumpy tomorrow. Maybe my mother will accept it as a tribute act - she was an excellent grumper too

Thanks all

LaContessaDiPlump "Dh and I have been having trouble recently, it's true. I find myself less and less inclined to explain basic human emotion to him, and instead just bottle it up. It's rather lonely."

Please do talk to him. What you consider basic human emotion may indeed be basic human emotion or it may be the world as you see it, which may not be the say he does.

SparklyUnicornPoo I am sorry about your brother. I think the death of a sibling is quite different to the death of a parent, usually we know our parents will die before us, but we do not expect this of a sibling, usually.

Night night

Congratulations on the new job (celebratory cake)!

Sorry to hear about your Mum though, it's got to be tough but if you don't feel like going out is there a friend or someone close nearby that can come and spend time with you if DH doesn't stay with you?

Empress of Moping! What a good honorary title. I just wanted to pitch in and say that I was shocked too by people telling you to go out and dance when that's not what you feel like. I was impressed though by how different people shared opinions about how they remembered loved ones & how you responded so thoughtfully. But moping is AOK in my opinion. I lost mum nearly three years ago and I miss her greatly. It's no time at all! Having a good mope and doing just as you please on an important date is what you need to be doing, and frankly I think your DH should be supportive in this. Sad that you feel so lonely... all the best and I hope the evening goes OK....

I could understand it on the first anniversary of your mums death, but the third, when you didn't get on seems a bit over the top and indulgent.

Really? Why?

A new job seems like something you should be more likely to go out and celebrate than have to stay in for.

YABU!

This
You don't want to go out on the anniversary of your DM‘s death. You didn't get on that well. You don't want to go out and celebrate, but you want to stay in and celebrate your new job. You complain your DH never takes you out, but he's invited you out and you don't want to go. TBH I'm not surprised he's humphed off upstairs, it all sounds confusing

However, I do think it is silly to ask AIBU to feel x,y,or z. It doesn't matter if you get thousands of people telling you it is unusual or a bit strange to feel a certain way, if that is how you are feeling, then that is how you are feeling - there's no 'reasonable' nor 'unreasonable' about it.

Personally I'm in the 'life is for the living' camp and know that my Mu would want me to carry on, to to go out when the opportunity presents. That's not to say I don't miss her terribly at times, but that missing her just sneaks up on me at odd times - it doesn't have to be done on fixed dates.
As I said though, it doesn't really matter what I feel, or what any other poster feels - if it makes you feel better to sit in, 'mourning' on a certain date, then that's up to you. Where YABU though is in expecting your dh to understand that, without explaining it to him. As you can see from the replies, it's not a thing that everybody does, even those of us that were very close to our Mums, he probably can't understand why someone who wasn't close to their Mum feels they want to do it.

My dad died the day before my birthday....do I never celebrate again?

I'm an anniversary person but not a death anniversary person. But each to their own.

I think a lot depends on how you put it across

I admit I'm not one to focus on anniversaries it isn't my way but I have experiences of two others who do and they do it in very different ways

Honestry one focuses on every possible significant date about every negative experience they have ever had....fair eonought ultimatley if that works for her fine , but she does become a little (actually very ) martyr like , there is a lot of sighing and every comment made by anyone gets turned to whatever anniversary it is, you aren't outright told not tonly laugh or bemail cheerful but it's comments like " wellll it's a difficult day , you go ahead though I'll just sit her alone ....sigh"

I really don't mean to sound cruel but after years of this every month ...now she's gets the response "fair enough crack on see you later " , she's not lambasted for it but it isn't taken seriously anymore

The other has a big anniversary around Christmas and you don't often here about it , she quietly removes herself we all contact to check on her , we all often drop a nice food or treat off without going in , and she knows if she wants to talk we are there to listen , excluding one incident where she got funny about a musual friend having a Christmas tree up when she visited which she gently got pointed out was being unreasonable she is happy that we celebrate and doesn't try to guilt anyone else

I realise I come across as hard here but 2nd friend absolutely knows I am here to listen for hours if needs be it's not about people being quiet about it , but I and most of my friends have severely limited tolerance for martyrdom

So absolutely you shouldn't at all be made to feel like the bad guy for not going of course you should be able to grieve in the way that works for you , but honestly I don't think it's reasonable for him to have to stay home

I am sorry for your loss genuinely

My mum died the day before my wedding anniversary so unlikely to forget that one!

mine is only a year but really at some point you have to realise to everyone else time moves on and its sad but the date doesn't matter to anyone but you.

I don't think either of you are being wildly unreasonable.

I never think about anniversaries of deaths and, just personally, find it a bit odd to spend the third anniversary of your mum's death mourning, particularly as you didn't have a good relationship.

But you're entitled to feel how you feel and do (or don't do) whatever you want. Ultimately your DH should respect that, even if he doesn't 'get' it initially.

On a side note (and excuse me if I'm being too nosey), but do you only mourn the anniversary of your mother's passing (and her birthday), or do you do the same for other deceased family members too? I imagine it could be quite restrictive?

Honestry one focuses on every possible significant date about every negative experience they have ever had....fair eonought ultimatley if that works for her fine , but she does become a little (actually very ) martyr like

I have a friend like that. I don't really understand it.. there are Facebook posts every year on the anniversary of things like the day her child had a febrile seizure . I mean, I understand it might have been a scary moment when you didn't know what was going on, but it's quite a common and mostly harmless childhood experience. It seems weird to be remembering the day every year 4, 5, 6 years after it happened.

That said, that's clearly the way she deals with life and who am I to judge?

OP everyone is so different in how they choose to mark the death of loved ones. I don't even remember the exact date of any of my loved ones' deaths, including my father, MIL, stepfather and grandparents but if you take the day out to be quiet and sad, I think you're pretty normal!