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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To feel like women can't genuinely win?

68 replies

Dumbo412 · 16/03/2017 20:12

Having had a discussion recently that ended with DH telling me that unless both of us were earning a decent wage, we would never really have the lifestyle that I want.

Nothing drastic comes to mind for me. I'd like to buy a 3 bed house one day. I'd like another child and would love a holiday every few years.

Not spectacular, but nice enough life I think.

He thinks his 50k a year income isnt enough, and that the 8k I make a year isn't enough to make a difference. Instead of arguing the point that for a family of 3 this should be more than enough I occupy myself with finding a new job.

This new job is £20k per year. I've been offered it and they'd like me to start Monday if I can.

Now it's not really ok for me to accept this role, as i "have to think about the good of the family"

Wrap around childcare doesn't really work as every other week i wouldn't be getting home until 7pm. And H can't guarantee he will be home and able to collect DD.

It just feels like I can't win.

Do all women feel this way? Like they need to be home to deal with the children? But also have to take on a certain responsibility for earning a "decent" amount?

Maybe I'm being precious, but I just feel it's a bit unfair.

I can't make much more than 8k a year and be there for school drop off/pick up. Be there on school hols plus have the house in order.

Tell me ladies, is this normal?

OP posts:

Allthebestnamesareused · 16/03/2017 20:17

You'll need to find a childminder. Remind him it is his child too!

Valentine2 · 16/03/2017 20:18

You need to divide the stress of finding child care with him. DO it now before it becomes your job. He made the babies with you.

MontysTiredMummy · 16/03/2017 20:20

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Doje · 16/03/2017 20:23

I'm with you. I built up a career before I had kids. I enjoy/ed my work, but getting a part time job is so difficult.

I managed it. I've got a 2 day a week job on a decent wage and I cannot tell you how rare that is in my industry. But it doesn't stop there. I cover the cost of two kids in childcare, I race back every work day to get to their nursery for 6pm and again, am very lucky to finish at 5pm and not have too long a commute. And it is never ending. What happens when one goes to school and one is at nursery. I have to squash in two pick ups? Are they destined for after school clubs for ever? I'm not sure I like that idea. And it's up to me to do this because my husband earns more. And why does he earn more? Because I'm a woman, and had to and wanted to take maternity leave. Rant. Over. (for now)

nutbrownhare15 · 16/03/2017 20:24

You could go two ways here. Either ask him which he prefers: You earn 20k a year and he arranges childcare every other week or you earn 8k and he stops moaning about your income. Or you take the job and inform him he has to sort childcare every other week as you are both parents and it's his turn. Its normal unfortunately. That doesn't mean he's not BVVU (he is).

mendandmakedo · 16/03/2017 20:28

totally agree op.

AprilTheGiraffe · 16/03/2017 20:29

Yeah I fucking hear you.

My career is a shambles. A shambles. Used to be my pride and joy, I worked so hard.

Why? Because I went part time, my confidence hit the floor and no one takes me seriously because I can't stay late or go to events out of working hours.

About to have another baby. I might as well fucking quit. I could increase my hours but then I have the guilt about putting two babies in full time nursery.

Meanwhile, husband has just gained his second promotion since our daughter was born. I'm happy for him but ffs.

ImFuckingSpartacus · 16/03/2017 20:31

I don't think thats universal, no. My DH and I work as a team, we are equally responsible for children, house, work, everything. We make decisions based on what is good for all of us, and its not about money, but quality of life.
It doesn't sound like you are working together to plan for your family at all.

Dozer · 16/03/2017 20:32

Your H needs to do more parenting and make some work compromises.

AprilTheGiraffe · 16/03/2017 20:32

Doje 🙌

iloveuihateu · 16/03/2017 20:33

No...not all women feel this way. I'm the main breadwinner and earn over £100k.

Not a stealth boast...I totally see what you're trying to say in your OP but assuming all women earn less than their partner is a bit sexist.

Parker231 · 16/03/2017 20:34

Why can't DH apply for flexible working hours so he can do the drop offs and collects fro after school club?

iloveuihateu · 16/03/2017 20:35

And so it's my DP that will be the primary carer...

AprilTheGiraffe · 16/03/2017 20:36

Yeah so does my colleague, iloveu she earns that much and her husband does the bulk of the childcare while she focuses on her career.

Her eight year old son fucking hates her, because, in his own words, "you're never here". Not a joke, she got drunk and tearful about this the other week.

Obviously not saying it's the same for everyone but you can't have it all. Something has to give.

ImsorryTommy · 16/03/2017 20:36

I don't think the DP has been moaning has he? OP says it's that her that wants a different lifestyle.

He might be quite happy with the way things are and it's just OP that wants another child, bigger house and holidays.

I think you need to talk about the differences in your preferred lifestyles first OP.

JapaneseTea · 16/03/2017 20:41

Why doesn't your dh have to think about the good of the family?

Take the job, dh will have to leave work early.

JapaneseTea · 16/03/2017 20:45

Is it normal ? No, not in an equal marriage.

Big discussions to be had on family, life style and who gets to decide the priorities.

Sounds like you fixed the issue, and get a better job, well done! Only to be given another barrier.

Fuck that shit!

eurochick · 16/03/2017 20:46

This is sad. OP your husband needs to pull his weight at home and with the children.

April, I earn almost double my husband. However I still pull my weight at home and am a 50% parent. But I don't have a penis so nobody thinks I deserve a gold star for this.

iloveuihateu · 16/03/2017 20:48

Thanks April for all the support there.

My own DM worked full time as did DP's DM and neither of us had a problem with it as a child. I'm away from home no more than a working father is.

Littlecaf · 16/03/2017 20:50

I hear you OP. DP is fab but doesn't really do the "thinking about it all" bit, it's me who sorted childcare, and emergency childcare etc, it's me who takes time off when the childminder has holiday, it's my work priorities which suffer in lieu of his as his work is less flexible and he earns more.

thatstoast · 16/03/2017 20:51

Personally I thinks it's crazy that people can't afford that lifestyle on 58k. Ultimately, wanting 2 kids, a 3 bed house and a holiday every now and again isn't asking for much. You must live in an expensive area? Maybe that could be something to look at.

However, if you want to work more then you will have accept that home stuff will slide a bit.

I went part time after my soon was born and to be honest, working full time and being able to throw money at problems (cleaner etc) suits me a lot better

Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 16/03/2017 20:51

I think you have to make it work between you- e.g. One starts late and does drop-offs, one starts early and does pick-ups, or you each do 2 long and 2 short days a week. Unless you have other help with childcare it's almost impossible to both have a career otherwise. I work 3 days a week and can only do that (for decent pay) because DH does all 3 drop-offs and one pickup in those days. He wouldn't be able to do it everyday though. In reality both our careers are stalled because whether we can make it fit together with the DCs is the primary consideration when looking to move on as we need both incomes. And secondary school looks like it's even harder to make it work with no after school clubs or holiday clubs but too young to be alone for more than an hour or two at a time. It's a bit dull at times and like everyone else our pay has erroded massively over the last decade, but it's enough. You can't (as a family) have it all imho.

sooperdooper · 16/03/2017 20:52

Why are you letting him tell you what to do, it's an equal decision surely and both your opinions are valid, sounds like he just can't be bothered to do much parenting or arranging childcare

AprilTheGiraffe · 16/03/2017 20:52

i just generally think that, in the main, mums can't have it all. Not without being weighed down by guilt and judgement and all the rest of it, in a way that men aren't.

I don't like it but from my own experience and observations, that seems to be how it is. It's not right.

GreyStars · 16/03/2017 20:53

Not normal in an equal marriage.

But my DH came with the children, so was well adapted into making things fit.

I was on a very high wage, for many reasons I now don't work, DH has always earnt far more than me. He has never made me small or taken me for granted but I think that is because he has always been grateful and appreciative for what I do, to make our family, lovely, for want of a better term.

I hate hearing about how women are made to feel small or they can't win, men are more than capable of raising children alone or as part of a couple. A penis doesn't mean you can't raise children or operate a dishwasher.

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