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Original poster

Is a ten year age gap between DC too big?

89 replies

mumontherun14 · 16/03/2017 12:58

I have 2 DC 12 & 10 and am going to be 40 this year. I have spent the past ten years bringing up the DC, juggling part time work, changing jobs and helping with my mum who isn't well. Recently I have started to feel super broody when for years have been quite happy with the status quo. Two girls in work are expecting and I don't know if that's set me off. Has anyone else got a big age gap and how does it work with your DC? Also am feeling like I would be that bit older this time and it would be like starting again. Anybody been in a similar position and have any advice?

OP posts:
dietcokeandwine · 16/03/2017 14:04

Oh and having a baby at 40 is like another world to having one in your 20s or 30s. I breezed through pregnancy with DS1 and DS2 in my thirties. Had ds3 shortly before my 41st birthday - a godawful pregnancy and I pretty much aged 10 years in 9 months. I've never known exhaustion like it despite the fact he was an easy baby.

Just to offer a different perspective to others who had a positive experience!

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 16/03/2017 14:06

The80sweregreat - Thank you I know exactly what you mean.I like to be able to help out my parents and I would struggle I think if they needed me and I also had a newborn to look after xxxx

OP posts:
Vegansnake · 16/03/2017 14:09

I've a ten yr gap,was perfect and I'm now planning another...I had my first lot v young

The80sweregreat · 16/03/2017 14:10

hi, i didnt mean to put you off - your younger than me and any baby is a blessing, but i was just thinking as they grow up and if you've got elderly parents around, it can make life a bit harder. Sometimes older mums and dads have more patience, know what they are doing more, less stressed. There are upsides too! I know i couldnt have coped with 3 of them, as much as i love my own two.

cookie77 · 16/03/2017 14:12

I agree with GTS

I will be 40 this year and went through a massive broody phase a year or so ago. My DS is 10yr and DD is 6yr. We decided to go for a third and she will be 4 weeks in a few days.

Agree with PP - although the pregnancy was ok, I still feel battered and bruised and the sleepless nights, constant feeding etc have hit me much harder this time - never mind trying to get out for the school run next week when DH back at work.

However - the older 2 absolutely adore their new baby sister. I am acutely aware that she may feel like an only child at some points in her life especially when the older 2 finish school - but we love her to bits and I feel like my family is complete.

Italwaysworksitselfout · 16/03/2017 14:15

There are 11 years between ds1 (26) and dd (15). Ds2 (24) has ds who lives with us as he has residency of him. They all get on brilliant although ds1 has his own place. The boys are very protective of their sis and have always looked out for her. I am now pregnant with surprise dc4 at the lovely old age of 45 which means there is an age gap of 26 years between ds1 and dc4. Dgs (20 months) and dc4 will be brought up together so at least they will have someone to play with

MatildaTheCat · 16/03/2017 14:16

The DC would be fine, not so sure about you.

You've an unwell mother.
A job.
Tricky finances ( childcare costs and super expensive teenage years)
Having to deal with pregnancy, birth and baby stage with all of the above at age 40+.

And you aren't sure...its a recent trick sent by crazy hormones after a long period of feeling content with your family. I really recommend you stack as you are and enjoy this phase of life rather than add a massive complication regardless of how lovely that complication may be. Or indeed they may be since you correctly say,met wins are far more common as you get older further crazy hormone tricks.

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 16/03/2017 14:17

Aww congrats Italwaysworksitselfout. It's good you will have all the family around and Dgs will be there for a playmate xxx

OP posts:
Bloopbleep · 16/03/2017 14:23

There are 23 years between me and my youngest sibling and we get on great much better than the sibling with the 3 year gap. I'm 41 and pregnant and it's been much easier than first time 8 years ago. I'm no more tired than I was 8 years ago but I did have worse sickness. My dc is really excited about having a younger sibling and I don't see a large age difference as a barrier to a relationship.

WannaBe · 16/03/2017 14:30

It's not only the having a baby you need to think about though but also the fact that you will be nearing your 60's by the time he/she leaves school, and then you will be faced with e.g. University costs. And there are no guarantees of health as we get older.

Plus you haven't hit the teenage years with the oldest two yet. Believe me they can be equivalent to toddler tantrums except they now have the vocabulary and the intellect to argue back. Shock and you can't put them in time out.

My eXH is 43 and has a one year old with his new DP. He will be 60 when his youngest leaves school, an age where TBH he would previously have been looking to retire as he earns a decent salary and would likely have a good pension etc. But now he will be faced with such costs as tuition fees at a point where he should be winding down a bit.

I can't have any more children because of health issues, but even if I could, it wouldn't just be the age gap which put me off at this age, but the whole future thing.

bibliomania · 16/03/2017 14:34

Babies are nice and squidgy and all that, but projecting forward, you'll be coping with a moody teen in your mid-50s and you won't be able to do childfree holidays etc until you're 60 or so.

I'm 42 with a 9-year old and get the odd flicker of broodiness, but I also have plans about things I want to do when dd is off doing her own thing, and I don't want to postpone them by another decade.

bibliomania · 16/03/2017 14:35

Cross-post!

Italwaysworksitselfout · 16/03/2017 14:41

It's not been plain sailing mumontherun as it took a long time to come to terms with the fact I was pregnant at a time where I should be focusing on the next step now the dc had all grown up. I was in my last year of doing a degree at uni (going back in September) and was meant to graduate this year and we were going to do some travelling.....I'm happy now even though I'm struggling with the pregnancy. It's been hard but whatever you decide will be the right one for you 😊

FooFighter99 · 16/03/2017 14:46

DSD is 17, DD is 5.

DSD has no time whatsoever for her little sister and barely ever speaks to her. Might have been different if they were both mine though...

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 16/03/2017 15:11

There's 9 years between me and my younger brother, and I would say we are close, although it's a different relationship to what I had with my sister (20 month difference). I remember my mum being pregnant, bringing him home from the hospital, watching him grow etc... It makes you feel more protective, and while I'll listen to his problems all day long I would never want to burden him with mine, so more like an aunt than a sister.

But he's great, he's a brilliant uncle to my son and I'm really glad my mum decided to go for it despite the big age difference - my life is better for having him in it.

NotSureYet · 16/03/2017 15:29

I'm the youngest of four and ten years younger than my eldest brother. Not sure if it's the age gap, or the fact that he's the first born, but I've never felt the same connection with him as I do with my sister (7 years older) and my other brother (6 years older). Even though I'm married with two children, a house and a mortgage he still sees me as his baby sister and treats me like a pre-teen. It's really annoying and often quite patronising. He's never felt like a sibling, always more like a young uncle. But again, it may well be more to do with personality and less to do with the actual age gap.

Boygirlmummy · 16/03/2017 15:34

My DB and DS from my DM's first marriage are 47 and 44; my mum met and married my DF and had myself (30) DB (33) and DS (27) and we all get on like a house on fire, always have! The gap has felt like us younger three have an extra seat of parents almost, and they have always looked out for us 'kids' and helped our parents out.

Ericaequites · 16/03/2017 15:38

I have two siblings fifteen months apart, and I cme along nine years later. The older children have their own dynamic set up, and will resent a much younger sibling. My sister and maternal grandmother did most of the work bringing me up. Despite working with my brother in a family business in the same facility for twenty-five, we are not close.
In conclusion, I would not do so.

heron98 · 16/03/2017 15:47

My brother's kids are 23, 20 and 7.

He says although he loves the youngest (of course) and she is cherished and spoiled by everyone, he does in a way realise that if she hadn't been born he would now have his life back. I think he does regret it a bit.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 16/03/2017 15:50

Too big gap for me.

My siblings are 12,10, 9 years older. I always felt sad about the huge gap.

BoredOnMatLeave · 16/03/2017 15:52

There's 10 years between me and my DB (half brother but I consider him 'full') and we are very close. My mum always says I am more like a second mum than a sister and he does confide in me a lot.

I say go for it... Don't take the piss with the free babysitting though like I sometimes was

rightsofwomen · 16/03/2017 15:54

I had DS1 when I was 28
I had DS2 when I was 38

DS1 turns 18 next week and DS2 turns 8 next week.

It's been fine, challenges and easier things like all families I suppose.

Never had any problems with jealousy. I feel I can meet their individual needs as they arise. DS1 minds DS2 so I can go out (single parent).

DS2 has had to be driven all over the place to DS1's things, but that's common with teens and younger siblings.

They spend time together, watching telly, playing Monopoly, DS1 will sometimes come to the cinema for kids films, or they go to the park to play football.

We will really miss DS1 when he goes to Uni this autumn but it means I get some one to one time with DS2 which will benefit him.

I think I would have struggled having two very close together. I was very relaxed when DS2 came along and that persists into his schooling now, I just don't stress about it.

I love that I get to do adult things with DS1 and then the fun of birthday shopping and Xmas for the little one.

EmeraldScorn · 16/03/2017 15:54

My eldest sister is 46 (15 year age gap), we're close and she was very good to me growing up, in fact she still is. My eldest brother is 44 and again we're very close.

Some of my siblings were teens by the time I was born but we've had good relationships. I have other siblings closer in age to me and again we're close. The sibling who was born before me (2 year gap) and I are as close as the oldest siblings and I are.

We've had our fall outs over the years, silly arguments etc but I would never be without them!

scanbran · 16/03/2017 15:57

Going against the grain here OP, I think you would be mad to go ahead and have another one. I had a "last chance saloon" no 4 when mine were 6. 8 and 10. That was too much of a gap IMO! We adored him (and still do)but going back to broken sleep etc was much harder when I was late 30's. My DH and I both said "what the hell have we done?" everyday for the first 2 years 6 months.

OP you are at a stage where you can go on holiday and put your feet up whilst the kids are in the pool etc. Adding a toddlers needs into 2 teens lives is no easy feat!

Original poster
mumontherun14 · 16/03/2017 16:06

I know and we love our holidays! Just been different the past few years now the DC are getting older more teen like and more independent. I suppose I feel a little sad this phase is ending. But I have lots to keep me busy. My job offers the chance to study more, we desperately need to do stuff to the house, I love spending time with the DC and taking them to all their clubs etc. Plus my parents do need help my mum has Alzhiemers early stages so I know she will need a hand and more and more in the future and I want to be there for her. I know all these practical sensible reasons in my own head and these have all been the reasons we have not done it up till now. It's just this feeling of last chance saloon that has taken over a bit recently and I just need to make my mind up and either try again or settle myself xxx

OP posts: