Is a ten year age gap between DC too big?

[mumontherun14]

I have 2 DC 12 & 10 and am going to be 40 this year. I have spent the past ten years bringing up the DC, juggling part time work, changing jobs and helping with my mum who isn't well. Recently I have started to feel super broody when for years have been quite happy with the status quo. Two girls in work are expecting and I don't know if that's set me off. Has anyone else got a big age gap and how does it work with your DC? Also am feeling like I would be that bit older this time and it would be like starting again. Anybody been in a similar position and have any advice?

I have ten years between dd1 and dd2 and it has been great. There has been no sibling rivalry and dd1 has at times been a second mother to dd2 and at others a co conspirator and confidant. They are 14 and 24 now and very close.

there are 10 and 13 years between me and my older sisters. It certainly doesn't make a traditional sibling relationship easy in the early years - I can't really remember sharing a home with my eldest sister as she moved out at 18. Looking back, although I had a better relationship with the middle sister she was more like a favourite aunty to me.

I have a ten year gap between. The eldest and youngest sons 15 and 5 and I now have a 3 month old daughter. My 15 year old was fantastic when his brother came loved pushing the pram playing with him and being a big brother. Right now at 15 the novelty has worn off a bit and he gets on his nerves. But hey he's 15 everyone gets on his nerves.

What I would say is that if you are quite independent and used to having your own time to do things it can be a bit of a shock to start again with nappies and teething and don't get me started on no sleep. I'm 40 and it is a lot harder than when I was in. Y twenties as you just need more sleep when your older.

I have 8yrs between my boys and it's great, so far they are getting on fabulously, little one adores his big brother & v.v
Big brother is super helpful and I feel I can give them both attention in different ways

The only thing is I have found having a baby this time round in some ways easier (more relaxed, know what I'm doing) but some ways harder (I'm older and feel more knackered with the sleepless nights and I'd got used to sleeping and was starting to be able to do more grown up stuff more easily - I miss that, the babysitter I use for DS1 doesn't do babies)

I had exactly this feeling at this age, last chance saloon and all that. Now I'm really glad I didn't jump and have that last baby, I wouldn't have enjoyed having a toddler right now, and the freedom I get from having a 11 and 13 year old is immense for me, they are sensible enough to be left for short periods, walk home, get buses, I feel like we can all get on as independent individuals now rather than stuck in permanent mummy mode.

That's just me though, the feelings went away after about three years of intense 'I want one' feelings, now I feel lucky I didn't listen!

Oh yes forgot hardest part is weekends older kids don't want to go to the park anymore it's babyish or playcentres etc can be tough to find things to do as a family that everyone enjoys.

My brother was 12 and my sister 10 when I was born. Mum was 38.
I was the youngest in the extended family too. My siblings and cousins were great with me growing up, loved being around the girls, listening to their girly chatter, getting tips off them on makeup and boys.
By the time I was 12 they were all married and moved out, some with children of their own which made me im the middle of two age groups, too young for one lot yet too old for my nieces and nephews. I was more like a big sister to them.
(I was popular as a babysitter.)
I was sometimes a lonely child after they moved out, and missed them a lot. Within the space of a year both siblings had left then my grandma died (she lived with us)
This age gap has had a knock on effect with my own daughters, they are in their thirties yet have cousins in their mid forties to mid fifties. My grandchildren are 6 yrs and 21 months.

At 39 I now have a DS who is 3 weeks old, a DD who is 9 and a DS who is 11 and at secondary school.
There's no jealousy and the older two are thrilled to bits with the new baby. I gotta tell you though, this newborn malarkey at 39 is no picnic, i am utterly exhausted and my body feels like it's been in a car crash this time round. That said, those first few weeks don't last long and he has completed our family.

There is an 8 and 9 year gap between myself and my two sisters. Growing up, I felt more like a single child and we were never really close.

Now being an adult, myself and my middle sister are much closer, but myself and my older sister don't really talk. I put this down to being very different people rather than just growing up with such a big age gap.

Mine where 10 and 8 when the third arrived. They are incredibly close even though they are in their 40s now.

I don't think so, my mum is 9 years older than my uncle and they're very close, she's 2/3 years younger than my aunt and they barely talk to each other.

12 and 15 year gap between my siblings and me - was awful, had nothing much in common ( they did though) and mostly i felt in the way. They have done it all together, when ihad my children they were not that interested as they had ' been there, done that' and all moved on.
we do get on, but excluded mostly from anything they did and i felt more as an only child. Just my experience though and my mum was nearly 40 when she had me ( and i wasnt planned either) so maybe that made a difference too.

10 years between me and my sister. The teen years were tough (for me) I struggled to relate to her and she pinched my things¬_¬
But generally we're fine. It's got better now I'm older but think a lot of our issues were from more being a single child for so long.

Thanks for all the replies - interesting to read. I am hoping it might just be the hormones as I said over the past few years I have always been quite certain that we were happy as we are and deep down I suppose I do feel as if I would be starting again.

My mum has 3 children. I'm 24 next month, my brother is 14, and my sister is 4. My mum was 42 when she had her last baby.
Having 10 years between myself and my brother meant that I was able to help a lot more, and be much more involved. Also having 20 years between myself and my sister meant I was an adult when she was born, so I could literally do everything (people often assumed she was mine when we were out, especially if in was pushing the pram).
It's nice having such an age gap for that reason. But at the same time I did wish I had a sibling when I was younger (like 5/6, so I had someone to play with).

Big gap between me and my brother, nearly 9 years don't count him as a half but we have different fathers and he was a late arrival he was lovely as a baby, now.. he's ok... I did however want a sister, called Gertrude and called him that for ages, he actually went and married someone called Gertrude (not really Gertrude) which I find fairly amusing.

I do still luffs him

If I ever keep one long enough there will be a gap of about the same between DSC (live with us) and their half sibling.

Can't see a problem at all, me and my brother are very close even though I moved away for university and didn't go back home really afterwards, and we maintained that closeness long before the wonders of technology today.

I think it's the same way with all siblings, some will get on, some won't.

I have 11 years between my two,
Good points it was like having two only children in that I was able to give them lots of individual attention (different needs at different times). Childcare costs were much more manageable. They are very close even with a big age gap.
Bad points - Having to manage teenage moods and toddler tantrums at the same time. Also I do feel like I have been a mum with a young child for the whole of my adult life, now finally have more time to myself.

I'm younger than my closest sibling by 10 years. There's 4 of them, very close in age.
I don't feel like part of their family. They had a shared childhood that I wasn't part of. I don't see them much really, bar one that I'd be closer to.
My parents were tired when I came along. They had done the whole family day out/holidays/activities thing and were in a different zone of teenagers and young adults. I just tagged along really.

The childhood my siblings talk about bears no resemblance to mine at all. I'd say it's too big a gap TBH.

I don't have a big age gap re my children (I'm trying for my first atm) but I'm the oldest of five siblings including me. Four of us the same age roughly (we are now 23, 22, 20 and 19) and then our youngest sibling is five. When he was born we were 18, 17, 15 and 14.

I wasn't the built in babysitter because I didn't live there, but my stepsister who is a year younger than me was the built-in babysitter and loved it, and still does- we joke that she's like a wee mum to him. They are sooo close. My stepbrother (youngest out of the four of us) found it incredibly difficult and there were lots of problems with jealousy, to the point where he actually ended up being privately fostered when my youngest sibling was one due to problems and ended up never going back to the family home. My other sibling didn't care one way or the other and has barely spent any time with him and doesn't see him as a brother at all. Whilst I love my youngest sibling I do feel like I'll never know him properly which makes me sad, as the eldest and the one with the most established life I don't see him nearly as much as I'd like to and feel a bit like a distant aunt rather than a sibling.

Ultimately I think it depends on the sibling, their personality and how much care they already need regardless of age. But just to put it into perspective how many different situations there could be, I thought I'd comment

I have a very similar age gap to you OP. DC were 10 and 13 and I was 39 and broody. We went for it and it has been wonderful.

I was worried about the relationship between the siblings with such a large age gap, but I have to say it has turned out fine, and one of the things I love most is the close relationships they have., its been amazing to watch and I'm dead proud of the older two.

I'll be honest - being pregnant at 40 was a lot harder than it had been in my 20's, but on the other hand, I knew what i was doing and was more confident, so having a newborn again was relatively easy.

On a lighter note dealing with peoples reactions was erm... interesting. People assumed it was an accident and my GP actually asked if it was the same father.

My favourite reaction took place in a coffee shop though. New baby was around 1 so DS would have been 14/15 and the 3 of us were out together. I became aware that we were being observed intently by a lady at a nearby table, who kept looking at me, then DS, then the baby trying to work out the relationship. I was soooo tempted to play up with DS for her benefit.

Good luck OP x

10 and 12 are great ages - growing up, you can pop out and leave them for short periods of time ( if you want to that is!) and even better when they are 100 percent independent and that will happen in a flash, before you know it it is college and maybe Uni or work - you can have time for your own hobbies or work or whatever you want to do. You said that your mum is poorly - i speak from experience, but elderly folk in the family also take up a lot more time as they age too - my own dad is on his own and 95 now, every week there is a problem to sort out and i live 45 minutes drive away , so a bit easier for me to help him , if i had a small child to sort out as well i would find that hard ( plus all the school gate stuff again would put me off and even that seems harder going then mine were little, admissions to sort out, all that brings with it) Babies are lovely of course, but you would need to also think of the downside - ( although i know a lot of people dont think like me)

My 10 year old keeps asking me to have another baby. I personally feel that 7-8 year gap I would have between current youngest and next one would be too much. Right now it's easy to find activities/ holidays that will suit us all, having a baby/ toddler to take into account would mess that up. I love babies bt I feel it would be too disruptive of the family life we have right now and in the future.

Personally I wouldn't OP.

They might all get on famously with big age gaps but managing the logistics of secondary age DC with babies / toddlers / preschoolers is not easy.

I have 8.5 years between my oldest and youngest and it's hard. My eldest hates having siblings so much younger. Hates it. There is no real rapport between them at all. Part of this is to do with his SEN, but a lot is age gap related. It's almost impossible to find stuff to do all together as a family. We 'divide and conquer' all the time - one parent with DS1, the other with the younger two. I sometimes say to DH that we're not a family any more -just two parents trying to juggle vastly different age groups and needs. I adore each of my DC individually but as a group I cannot honestly say that I enjoy parenting them.

Don't do it.

My family seems to specialise in 10-17 year gaps, often without siblings in between.

If I had a DC3, I'd be looking at a 5/7 year gap which is unappealing from a parenting perspective. DC 1&2 would still be needing a lot of input, and DC3 would be very much out of sync.

If it wasn't for mine and particularly DH's age, I think a larger gap would be more practical. By the time the youngest got to nursery/ school, the older ones would be able to take themselves. Days out like theme parks, they could have more freedom within that day.

There's no guarantees on relationships anyway.

Thank you Buttered parsnips that made me laugh. And GTS my friend said exactly the same -it felt like being in a car crash -that put me off a bit! It's tough being up during the night then still having to get up and organised for the school run etc... The last few years have been pretty rocky financially and we are not really through it fully yet. My DC like their hobbies (football and horseriding) and both want to go on school trips so I worry we couldn't afford that for them in the future, We have a smallish house so someone would need to share a room or we'd need to do some kind of loft conversion. On the other hand I have a stable job with good maternity pay and benefits and the ability to go back on reduced hours. But if I did that - could we afford the childcare for 3 days? Also I help out my elderly parents and I am the only sibling who lives locally so I would worry I wouldn't have as much time for them when they need me. My DH overall I think is not up for it - although he does deliberate it too especially after a few drinks!!. People at work and other places have actually been saying to me "Are you not thinking about it again" etc etc And up till this point I have been resolutely "No" but just recently something has defeintly changed. I think it's jsut a phase and that last chance saloon feeling of now or never. Plus I don't even know if it would be able to be possible and perhaps I should just settle myself. Aand before anyone says it.... I do have a little dog. I got it last year and when I got it a few people said "Oh you should have just gone for another baby...." xxx