To not want to tell MIL I'm pregnant :(

[Tiredbum]

I am completely willing to be flamed but I need to vent, I feel like I'm going to explode!

I already have a DS (2)

I'm slowly approaching 12 weeks pregnant, and OH is very excited to finally tell people, me on the other hand want it to keep a secret for as long as possible because of MILs actions in my first pregnancy, she ruined my last weeks of being pregnant & the first few days of my DS1s life.

At 37 weeks with dc1 I was admitted to hospital for a week, she called my OH once (to ask for help with her laptop) and never asked about me or her grandchild once.

I was induced a week after this ( still in hospital from being poorly) and she would honestly call every few hours to find out what was happening, if there were any signs, and asking very personal questions (usually about my lady parts) on the second day my OH told her he would not be taking her calls anymore as it was becoming too much. So she somehow found the ward number and started calling the nurses for updates!

My friend then calls me to let me know MIL has been updating the world about my cervix etc via Facebook, very detailed embarrassing things, I'm sure her friends knew I was dilated before I did! :(

Anyways day 3, I have my DS late one night, and tell people that we will be home in the morning/afternoon & would not like visitors as I had not been home in over a week and want time to settle. Which surprising to us even she honors!

The next day she calls us several times from about 4:30am to see if she can come over, we get that she was excited but we were all trying to sleep & had our phones on silent, so they didn't wake the baby. We wake up to loads of messages from MIL, BIL, and some of her friends, worried for our life's as we have not been in contact :/ we spoke to her at 9pm the night before, it's barley been 12 hours!

Anyway we receive calls from the ward and midwives saying MIL has also been phoning them.

We arrange a time for her to come round, and she does not turn up? A few hours later she arrives, but brings BIL, which is fine. She also has 2 of her friends, her friends mum, and daughter, none of which I've ever met? Is this a normal thing? The daughter was also full of cold! She apologizes for being late but says she had to wait for her friends mum as she had to get her hair done for the occasion.

I asked to take my baby back to feed him upstairs, and she tells me that I need to do it in front of everyone so they can see if I'm doing it right, at this point I remember just breaking down, I was so tired and sore, hadn't slept at all in over a week, all I wanted was to be alone with my OH and baby, but instead was made to host and make food and tea because they were hungry.
I felt like a zoo attraction, but with even less dignity, as the main subject of talk was my body.

(Before OH gets flamed, I wanted to make tea/food to be away from them all, and he did make them all leave very shortly after this)

Anyway this happens again the next few days, but she just brings other people, even when we asked her not too :(

I've just realized how long this is, sorry! I'm just feeling sorry for myself today, I know it could be much worse.

Sunshineandlaughter You're not wrong that's not something you should never have to put on a list.

I was thinking more along the lines of not ringing the hospital for updates and when they will be available for visitors/close family only for the first week etc

He was telling his mum details of your labour?

He sounds as clueless as his mum re boundaries!

I know it can be very hard to stand up to people, but do remember that if it's all getting too much you can take your baby & walk away or just say "don't be daft" if something such as checking how you bfeed is mentioned.

"OH has already been joking about booking a holiday the day the baby's born to escape! but in all seriousness he's promised me he will do much more, and was in shock of her behavior, as his mum was normal until then".

I doubt that very much re his mother being "normal" till then. And your OH did let you down last time as well.

If she lives an hour away from you (thankfully) then he would not have seen her everyday. Also he has grown up with his mother and likely regards her behaviours as "normal" to some extent. I would also think all members of her immediate family tip toe around her to some extent so as not to set her off. She really does have no concept of boundaries.

I would keep her well away from your children; it will do them no favours at all for them to see you as their parents being so trampled on. Maintain and strengthen further your already too low boundaries re her and do not falter in that. You would not have tolerated any of this from a friend, let alone his mother.

She sounds mentally unstable.

Have you considered emigrating?

Go and give birth in Namibia like Angelina Jolie. Mind you, it might be easier to avoid the world press than your MIL...

OP do you also post as Tiredmum? You have a lot on. I'd completely lie about the due date if I were you.

I find it hard to think that a normal thoughtful and loving person would suddenly turn into this crazy overstepping the boundaries person!

Becoming a grandmother can do that to some apparently otherwise normal women (speaking as one - well no, scrub the "apparently normal" bit). It's like proxy hormones or something.

The way she treated you when your first was born both during and after was nothing short of abusive op. I mean, breastfeeding him in from of everyone so they can see if you are doing it right?- what a cunt.

If your dh still wants a relationship with her that's fine, but you have to stop this happening again. Just tell her quickly, tell her not to put it on facebook and leave. Then keep her as distant from the pregnancy as you can.and it goes without saying- she doesn't visit for at least a week.

She lost the privileges the first time.

When I had my second DC, I didn't have any visitors at all for a week to 10 days. I learnt the first time round. I think there is too much expectation that all and sundry can come and visit a newborn.

I also didn't tell people the second time round until I was 16 weeks.

I don't want this to sound patronising but if you don't want to tell her, then don't tell. Tell her when you're ready.

Perhaps when you do, go there with a list to manage expectations of what is and isn't acceptable prior,during and after the birth.

I'm planning on doing that with my in-laws as I didn't the first time and they overstepped a lot of my boundaries

Bloody hell

Stand your ground and keep that sass. This is your pregnancy and labour and child, not hers.

I'd have thrown them all out/not let them through the door. Can't imagine anyone being like that. Also your MIL has no right phoning the ward to check for updates, if it happens again tell them to tell her this. You can easily only give her the information you want her to have. If she puts anything on Facebook then publicly shame her with everything that happened last time. We all agree that she acted awfully and her friends on Facebook will no doubt agree too! I think you should let her visit within the first few days as she will be excited but it sounds like she needs training on how to behave. Tell her who she can and can't bring with her. If she turns up with her friends again just don't let them in. Good luck!

Tell her. It won’t make a difference because she will be breaching the restraining order you need to get!!!!
Seriously though, you poor thing. Hope you get the dignity and privacy you deserve this time around xxx

Midwife here. Leave it a few more weeks and then tell her your due date is(eg) 'around the end of August' when you know full well it's the last week in July. Refuse to share any personal details at all. Just laugh and say that medical info is between you and your medical team.

Be absolutely certain that dh is on board. I'm highly sceptical that anyone on the ward was giving out details about the state of your cervix, that would be absolutely unprofessional and complaint worthy.

And then, when the baby is born chose who and when to tell in your own good time. If she misbehaves she loses privileges.

I like the idea of lying about the due date! I doesn't solve the problem of what happens after the birth but it's a start!

I think we are all a bit naive with our 1sts with visitors etc. We had people waiting on the doorstep for us, DH's stepsister and her partner that we barely knew. So they shared baby's homecoming and hogged her until she started screaming. I was heartbroken. Such a special moment ruined. 2nd baby was a LOT more different....we didn't tell anyone we were coming home (baby was born by c section and slightly early) so we arrived back at 6pm, and managed 36 hours with no visitors. We only answered the door to people that had arranged to come, showed them where the kettle was, and sat chatting until baby needed feeding and I disappeared upstairs. By the 3rd, we were pros. And we had a sign on the door saying no visitors with colds/coughs/stomach bugs! You and DH will be much more in control this time, you know what she's capable of so she can't surprise you. She sounds a barrel of laughs . Congratulations on your pregnancy.

First off all, inform hospital and midwives she is not to have any information, not to even be told your there.

Add a few weeks on to your due date too 😉

Tiredbum, say to the midwives and the medical staff that it's a child protection issue that they tell her absolutely nothing. Make sure they identify her correctly every time, give them her date of birth and address and phone number.

Always have them check her phone number to tell her they'll call back with any relavent details, (just in case she's getting someone else to enquire) then you can ask them to read a message from a card... (supply the cards to them in your folder)
"tiredmum is doing well as expected, thank you" or some such neutral message.

Also tell her you're at least one month behind where you are now.
That will mean you have a lovely unpestered time with the birth and a lovely baby moon with your family.

I feel for you. It's every new mum's worst nightmare, being pestered, with strangers turning up plague ridden, gawping at your norks and knowing tmi about your private underbeneathsies!

Sorry you lost your mum too, that's hard, and especially when you're a mum yourself and feeling swamped and vulnerable.
My condolences 💐

She's batshit. :(

Good strategies CarzyHorse

*CrazyHorse, not CarzyHorse

Our midwives threatened MIL with police involvement if she kept phoning while I was in labour. They maintained confidentiality until I was back on the ward because she turned up claiming to be my mum. I was in a bit of a bad way after a difficult birth and then a long surgery, so it went in my notes that I was confused to the point that I couldn't recognise my own mum (who in reality was 4 hours away at the time). Solidarity, OP .

Fucks sake clockBus, how awful. You poor thing!
What is going on with these crazy MIL ladies They sound batshit craycray.

Hope all goes well with you 🍀