To not want to tell MIL I'm pregnant :(

[Tiredbum]

I am completely willing to be flamed but I need to vent, I feel like I'm going to explode!

I already have a DS (2)

I'm slowly approaching 12 weeks pregnant, and OH is very excited to finally tell people, me on the other hand want it to keep a secret for as long as possible because of MILs actions in my first pregnancy, she ruined my last weeks of being pregnant & the first few days of my DS1s life.

At 37 weeks with dc1 I was admitted to hospital for a week, she called my OH once (to ask for help with her laptop) and never asked about me or her grandchild once.

I was induced a week after this ( still in hospital from being poorly) and she would honestly call every few hours to find out what was happening, if there were any signs, and asking very personal questions (usually about my lady parts) on the second day my OH told her he would not be taking her calls anymore as it was becoming too much. So she somehow found the ward number and started calling the nurses for updates!

My friend then calls me to let me know MIL has been updating the world about my cervix etc via Facebook, very detailed embarrassing things, I'm sure her friends knew I was dilated before I did! :(

Anyways day 3, I have my DS late one night, and tell people that we will be home in the morning/afternoon & would not like visitors as I had not been home in over a week and want time to settle. Which surprising to us even she honors!

The next day she calls us several times from about 4:30am to see if she can come over, we get that she was excited but we were all trying to sleep & had our phones on silent, so they didn't wake the baby. We wake up to loads of messages from MIL, BIL, and some of her friends, worried for our life's as we have not been in contact :/ we spoke to her at 9pm the night before, it's barley been 12 hours!

Anyway we receive calls from the ward and midwives saying MIL has also been phoning them.

We arrange a time for her to come round, and she does not turn up? A few hours later she arrives, but brings BIL, which is fine. She also has 2 of her friends, her friends mum, and daughter, none of which I've ever met? Is this a normal thing? The daughter was also full of cold! She apologizes for being late but says she had to wait for her friends mum as she had to get her hair done for the occasion.

I asked to take my baby back to feed him upstairs, and she tells me that I need to do it in front of everyone so they can see if I'm doing it right, at this point I remember just breaking down, I was so tired and sore, hadn't slept at all in over a week, all I wanted was to be alone with my OH and baby, but instead was made to host and make food and tea because they were hungry.
I felt like a zoo attraction, but with even less dignity, as the main subject of talk was my body.

(Before OH gets flamed, I wanted to make tea/food to be away from them all, and he did make them all leave very shortly after this)

Anyway this happens again the next few days, but she just brings other people, even when we asked her not too :(

I've just realized how long this is, sorry! I'm just feeling sorry for myself today, I know it could be much worse.

Well you need to have a good chat with your DH and set boundaries with MIL.
And BOTH of you stick to them.
Do NOT tell her due date. If you have to tell her anything tell her 4 weeks later than it is actually due.
Do NOT tell her when it arrives.
Only tell her when you are ready for her to visit.
When she visits you make it clear that if she brings anyone else they will not be allowed in and you don't care how rude it seems.
Just enjoy this part of the pregnancy for now and don't tell her anything until you have to!
She sounds bonkers. But you now have hindsight and you can start putting your boundaries in place.

Fudge your due date by a month. That gives you a bit of breathing space. Minimise contact during pregnancy, minimal info passed on. Lock the door, unplug the doorbell and put phone on silent. Make sure you have a watertight plan for your existing DC for when you go into hospital (that doesn't involve MIL). Much harder for people to cross boundaries when the defences are solid.

Good lord. At first I thought you were being overly precious but she sounds completely nuts. Who rings anyone at 4:30am? Let alone someone whose just had a baby. I'm surprised the nurses on the ward didn't tell her to get lost. I'd let DH deal with her and if she posts it on Facebook she doesn't get updates on your cervix.

Thank you for the replies, they are already making me feel less crazy.

Kingjoffery love the name! We have just started watching GOT and he's a vile little beast! She just killed roz in the last episode we watched :(

I didn't know you could ask midwives to add notes like that, so will defiantly ask them to do that at our next appointment! MIL made out she was my mother to them, was quite a shock getting a call from my midwife saying my mothers been calling them, considering my mum died when I was young :/

OH has already been joking about booking a holiday the day the baby's born to escape! but in all seriousness he's promised me he will do much more, and was in shock of her behavior, as his mum was normal until then.

The idea about dates is a very good one, and could prob get away with it, as this time with my DS I was already showing and looked much bigger.

Our relationship with her now is fine, although I've never forgiven her & we have never spoke of it, but it will have to happen now, as I won't allow that again.

MIL lives about an hour away, She's the typical Facebook perfect gran, pictures every time she sees him, claiming he's her everything, when In reality she sees him once every few months & knows nothing about him, but I can't complain, my DS seems to like her, and when she does spend time with him, she is very good.

God she sounds awful.

Definitely make sure you and your oh don't tell her any personal details.

Tell the ward she's an unwelcome family member and that she may nuisance them with calls but could they please not tell her anything other than to get lost

Tell her in a month and pretend it's 12 weeks then. You thrn have a month of peace now and when you are nearing labour.

Get your oh to tell her no guests other than her unless she has okayed them with you first.

Congrats btw :-)

And could you give the name of a different hospital?

Sorry the personal information was from my OH, the nurses just gave vague updates, sorry for any confusion.

Yes to all the above advice.
Tell her the wrong no of weeks/ due date to start with
Get something put on your notes that your mum is sadly no longer with us and you expressly do not allow mil to be given any information about your pregnancy or delivery.
Don't tell her if you are given a date for an induction or section.
Wind down or come off social media in the run up to birth.
Don't tell her when you go into labour hopefully this will be a quicker labour and you could be in and out before she's even aware.
Tell her no random visitors as it's a baby not a zoo exhibit, and there certainly won't be any public breast feeding.

In that case tell your oh if he values his baby making equipment he's not to tell her or update her while you're in labour

tiredbum- and there is part of the problem.

Why is your OH giving your MIL giving updates on your cervix?

He needs to step up to the plate .

"MIL made out she was my mother to them, was quite a shock getting a call from my midwife saying my mothers been calling them, considering my mum died when I was young"

Tiredbum My MIL did the exact same thing although my Mum had only recently died at the time. I never in my wildest dreams thought I would ever come across someone else whose MIL had done the same

I would consider (along with lying about the due date) setting out a long list of things that "people" are not allowed to do and then pass it out just to her and FIL

My midwife upon visiting us at home instructed us to turn off our phones, lock the doors and go back to bed (I think it was mid afternoon) because MIL had been endlessly harassing us.

Oh dear, make sure he doesn't tell her next time. Don't tell her when you are in labour! If she doesn't know she can't pester anyone. I didn't tell my MIL anything during pregnancy about medical details. Not her business. Baby was fine, that's all she needed to know. She did try asking once or twice but gave up when she only got one word answers!

Well, she will soon be able to tell whether you tell her or not.

At least you know what you are up against this time, just don't let her get involved.
Tell the midwives under no circumstances should she be involved, tell dh to keep her out of the way.
Don't answer your phone or door unless you want to and certainly let her know that if anything at all is posted on fb, she won't be seeing new gc.

Stand your ground, there's no way I'd have let anyone into our home after the birth, even family, let alone a load of randoms.

Raptor - a list is all well and good but never in my right mind would I ever consider I would have to put 'don't pretend to be my dead mum' on it! I don't think the op would be able to imagine all the weird things this mil may do!

I've found it's useful to be a bitch sometimes.

I didn't tell anyone when I went into labour, and grabbed the phone from now exH who was talking to my mum during it and told her I was hanging up.

Don't ask to take any babies anywhere. Tell them it's time for a feed and you're going or they are.

Tell her off for calling at unsuitable hours, and tell people off for listening to her.

Don't make food or tea, FGS. Ask her to sort it for you. :)

I will stick up for OH here, he only updated her for the first day (few hours) and completely blocked her when he said he would. A lot of people we know imagined being induced was almost an instant thing, and expected the baby to be born or at least to be in established labour in a matter of hours, only from their experiences. We were made aware this wasn't the case when we arrived.

So when we got to day 2, a lot of people were very confused/interested, honestly never talked about cervix's so much in my life!

you needed to breastfeed in front of everyone to see if you are doing it right come on op seriously

DS will wake from nap soon, so will do a final post.

Thank you everyone, I was so upset at the beginning of this, dreading the baby conversation with her, but I honestly have no need to.

I feel like I'm a lot stronger since having My DS and know I can tell people to just fuck off now. I don't care so much what people think of me, I don't want to please others, just my children and OH.

But seriously who shows up at a new mothers home, who they don't know, straight after birth? People amaze me, and can guarantee they won't be getting through my door again!

My tears are seriously turning to anger now! Feeling all sassy!

Just having a rough morning, sickness and the reality of telling people soon, it's all starting to feel real.

Once again thank you all you fab ladies x

I have to say of my son discussed my dils cervix with me I would think he had lost his mind and I am a nurse ffs what is wrong with these people.

I never say this lightly but go non contact op. Let your dh visit his mother and you and baby stay away.

Oh seem your update good on you I think a good 'fuck off' is great for the soul.

OP your experience with MIL and first baby sounds dreadful however you are now forewarned which means forearmed!

Disclose as little info as possible, practice the art of being vague!

Establish some boundaries during your pregnancy and ensure DH is on side to follow through post birth.

Being pregnant is a blessing, please don't allow anyone to rid you of feeling joyful. Good luck!

Wow, that's another level of crazy!

I agree with a previous poster on the hospital - they really have no right giving any sort of medical information about you over the phone! I would be pointing this out to your midwife and then again at the hospital.

I also don't think calm persuasion will work on this type of person, your husband needs to put his foot down and set clear boundaries. If she ignores your rules then ignore her, if she knows you don't want visitors but still shows up you shouldn't answer the door. She'll get message eventually but it might cause a lot of drama in the meantime.

I imagine the updates re labour were from the staff to the dad who told his mad mother.

Hospital staff would never discuss intimate details over the phone. It's a disciplinary offence.

OH has already been joking about booking a holiday the day the baby's born to escape! but in all seriousness he's promised me he will do much more, and was in shock of her behavior, as his mum was normal until then

Really? I find it hard to think that a normal thoughtful and loving person would suddenly turn into this crazy overstepping the boundaries person! And your relationship is ok since? Some strange people out there!