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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To just tell DM not to bother with birthdays any more, and not bother with hers either?

92 replies

Halftermdog · 16/03/2017 09:50

NC as potentially outing.

For background, DM is in Australia on holiday. It's my birthday on Sunday (I'm a twin) and hers a week later. My sisters and I have spent lots of time recently trying to plan something for her birthday (either a lovely surprise for while she was away or something for when she gets back).

She never remembers anyone's birthday (or any key date), generally I'd get a phone call on the day to say happy birthday (probably because Facebook would remind her), and a present next time I saw her (she lives a few hours away), or she'd order something online to be delivered that would arrive late (it's not unusual that for DDs birthday she'd order something online which I'd then have to wrap etc.).

My twin sister and I got the following email this morning:

"Ok guys, you have a few hours to add something I want to buy for you from amazon onto your wish lists or else wait until we get home and I can think straight!! We are having too good a time to think much about others and a cuddly kangaroo toy is probably not very high on your lists.
I am also more than happy to put my birthday off for a couple of weeks (or years)!

Love you both loads and hope everything is ok at home.
Ma
Xxxxxx"

I think she genuinely doesn't give a shit about her own birthday which is why she's so crap at remembering anyone else's. She can be very generous so isn't mean with money, I think that birthdays are just very very low on her radar. For instance, DHs birthday is the beginning of December and it wouldn't be unusual for her to get him something fairly big off his Amazon list but he's get it at Christmas (when we'd be seeing her), rather than her bothering to sort it for his birthday.

So, I'm upset about it but also it's so depressingly predictable. I wonder whether my sisters and I need to just say to her to not bother with anyone's birthday in the future and we won't bother with hers (she's completely impossible to buy for so probably doesn't appreciate anything we take the time to get her, and I have no idea if she appreciates the time and effort, not to mention money, involved).

But then it makes me sad to say to her that it's ok to not give enough of a shit about your family to be organised enough to even send a card? How bloody hard is it?

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 16/03/2017 22:49

Pagwatch I've literally never seen an Instagram of a plate at a restaurant with happy birthday on it or been invited to birthday drinks for a friend or seen an FB post with someone saying "thanks for all the birthday wishes, had a lovely day celebrating doing xyz". Honestly it never happens...

Pagwatch · 16/03/2017 23:07

I know . Literally never happens

TheStoic · 16/03/2017 23:17

I know it's trotted out on here quite often, but look into the Love Languages, OP.

You give and receive love through gifts, by the sound of it. You're frustrated because you are not getting what you want from your mother. However, you've said that your mum doesn't care about her own birthday, so you giving her a well thought out loving gift is actually more about YOU than her. How does SHE like to feel loved?

You are at cross purposes here. Maybe discuss the love languages together.

user1489179512 · 16/03/2017 23:36

Banging head against brick wall time, it seems.

WizardOfToss · 17/03/2017 08:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheStoic · 17/03/2017 08:34

I must admit, not many adults I know still celebrate their own birthdays. Unless it's a milestone one.

I'll call my family to say HB, but that's the extent of it in my circle.

WatchHowISoar · 17/03/2017 09:06

I think if my mum told me multiple times to my face that she never wanted kids then I'd take things as more hurtful and see it as even more proof that she didn't want me.

WatchHowISoar · 17/03/2017 09:08

So I think this sounds like more than just a present thong

KittyWindbag · 17/03/2017 09:13

YANBU. I think she knows her attitude is a bit lacking from the tone of that email, she's trying to make it like she's having too good a time to think of anything so small as a birthday, yours or hers.

But birthdays clearly mean something to you so it is a bit hurtful of her to assume this attitude, just because she may not particularly care for her own.

I'd tell her after the holiday that it hurts your feelings a little bit.

KittyWindbag · 17/03/2017 09:16

I'm surprised so many people saying YABU. I'd be so sad if my own mum couldn't be arsed to send me a birthday card :(

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 17/03/2017 09:17

I'd give up on it I think, from next year. So two months before suggest that instead of gifts you do something nice next time you can all get together. Send her a card, but don't expect one back.

StrangeLookingParasite · 17/03/2017 10:34

I think you are being over the top. Adult birthday are not on most people priority list

Wrong. They're not on yours. You are not the world. Imagine that.

I do get a bit frustrated with the solipsist point of view that says 'I don't do X, therefore no-one does (or maybe should) do X'.

There are a lot of us for whom celebrating a birthday is important, adults as well, and I believe that showing you care about someone also involves caring about the things they do, to an extent. So if someone thinks their birthday is important, card and present. If they don't, don't make a fuss.

kittybiscuits · 17/03/2017 11:14

I reckon that there are about 30 mumsnetters who do not give cards or presents to adults, however close. All of their friends and family have eventually thought fuck it, they never buy me anything and given up. These same mumsnetters rock up every time saying 'I've never heard of adults who celebrate birthdays' and using words like precious and snowflake. That's my theory anyway.

Pagwatch · 17/03/2017 11:21

I fucking love birthdays.
we get cards and presents in the morning. We usually all get into our big bed. The children each get things for us and for each other. I've still got some cards my children made for me or where they wrote something nice or funny. We usually go out to dinner, or go to the cinema or zoo or something if it's the children.
One of my sons is very affected by his autism and his presents are brilliant. He always thinks a ball is an appropriate gift for his older brother so each year we try to persuade him to move onto a variation on that.
The idea that because I'm an adult I should be sniffy about all that is weird to me. Just because I'm over 18 doesn't mean that I no longer need to celebrate small moments in my life as if they are important. The small moments are important.

Original poster

Halftermdog · 29/03/2017 10:51

Quick update... So the day she arrives home from Australia (Thurs, 4 days after my birthday and 3 days before hers) DM calls me to say thank you for her birthday present that I had sent to her house. She told me how lovely her holiday was and then said that although she had asked me to add some things to my Amazon list (which I had done), she then hadn't even looked at the site until today when she got home! She's sorry, blah blah blah.

I'm still trying to accept how she is but that set me back a bit...

OP posts:

llangennith · 29/03/2017 11:04

Sorry you're upset but your mother sounds completely self-centred and she's not likely to change. Wishing she was nicer isn't going to make it happen. Have a lovely birthday, don't include your mother in your celebration, and ignore her birthdays in the future.

EastMidsMummy · 29/03/2017 11:21

It wouldn't bother me. You are more invested in your birthday than she is. Of course you are.

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