To just tell DM not to bother with birthdays any more, and not bother with hers either?

[Halftermdog]

NC as potentially outing.

For background, DM is in Australia on holiday. It's my birthday on Sunday (I'm a twin) and hers a week later. My sisters and I have spent lots of time recently trying to plan something for her birthday (either a lovely surprise for while she was away or something for when she gets back).

She never remembers anyone's birthday (or any key date), generally I'd get a phone call on the day to say happy birthday (probably because Facebook would remind her), and a present next time I saw her (she lives a few hours away), or she'd order something online to be delivered that would arrive late (it's not unusual that for DDs birthday she'd order something online which I'd then have to wrap etc.).

My twin sister and I got the following email this morning:

"Ok guys, you have a few hours to add something I want to buy for you from amazon onto your wish lists or else wait until we get home and I can think straight!! We are having too good a time to think much about others and a cuddly kangaroo toy is probably not very high on your lists.
I am also more than happy to put my birthday off for a couple of weeks (or years)!

Love you both loads and hope everything is ok at home.
Ma
Xxxxxx"

I think she genuinely doesn't give a shit about her own birthday which is why she's so crap at remembering anyone else's. She can be very generous so isn't mean with money, I think that birthdays are just very very low on her radar. For instance, DHs birthday is the beginning of December and it wouldn't be unusual for her to get him something fairly big off his Amazon list but he's get it at Christmas (when we'd be seeing her), rather than her bothering to sort it for his birthday.

So, I'm upset about it but also it's so depressingly predictable. I wonder whether my sisters and I need to just say to her to not bother with anyone's birthday in the future and we won't bother with hers (she's completely impossible to buy for so probably doesn't appreciate anything we take the time to get her, and I have no idea if she appreciates the time and effort, not to mention money, involved).

But then it makes me sad to say to her that it's ok to not give enough of a shit about your family to be organised enough to even send a card? How bloody hard is it?

I think you need to hold onto what you said in the op - she doesn't care about her own birthday, which is why she doesn't prioritise anyone else's. If you can accept her for who she is, rather than what you wish she would be, i think you'll feel much happier. You said yourself that she's kind and generous normally.

Fwiw, my own mother is very similar. She isn't the kind of mother i want, but she is a wonderful person in her own right. I wasted a lot of time getting upset over issues like this, but once i let that go i was much happier in myself. Our relationship is much better than it ever has been, as well.

I think it's all in the tone - reading those words to myself, I think they're fine, I'd be glad she's having a fab time, would put something whopping on my wishlist with a funny note that this was for her to get, and would think no more about it. BUT - you know her properly, you know what tone you think the words were said in, and she's known you all your life so she could reasonably be expected to know your attitude to birthdays differs from hers.

As an adult I'm not at all fussed about birthdays and often get myself something and then ask people to chip in if they feel like it because I'm a control freak and it doesn't matter at all to me whether it's early, on time, or weeks/months later. But I know that to my sister, it really does matter. It's her language of feeling noticed and cared about, and she is desperately hurt if a birthday isn't recognised (not in an over the top way, she's not materialistic). So I make an effort for her birthday, and in her own way she makes an effort for mine, because it's quite hard for her not to make a big deal of mine!

I can understand why you find it hurtful.

For you, making an effort on her birthday is a manifestation of your affection for her. It feels nice to take a birthday and celebrate with that person. It means something to you. It's a special day.

Other people saying faintly sneers things about how they don't give a shit doesn't really help does it?

We make birthdays important. It's one day a year when you get to make an effort. We care about each other all year round so it's not something we need to do we just enjoy it.

I think the problem is she just does not feel the same. She just doesn't and that's fine really. It feels to you like she doesn't give a shit but she just can't process that it's important to you. Unless she routinely shows herself indifferent to you and your children then I think you need to try really hard to make peace with that.

She just does not feel the same way about this as you do so her not caring about birthdays is nothing to do with her feelings for you.

I think she probably meant "something you want me to buy you" I would rather choose my own present than have a cuddly kangaroo too :-)

I had to read your op twice to see if I missed something, I think you are being a massive drama queen here. You say she always forgets birthdays but she hasn't forgotten and you are reading way too much into the wording of her email too. I read it as she remembered your birthday, wants to get you something you will like so tell her what that is and she is having fun.

I also don't get the big deal about your Dh's birthday, loads of in laws wouldn't exchange gifts for birthdays. Has your dh bought your mother a specific gift for her birthday.

By the sounds of it all you have done is talk about your mother's birthday too, hers is only a week after yours so its not like you are that much more organised.

She sounds like me, i am utterly rubbish at remembering birthdays, i never check my diary or calendar so useless me writing them down. i have no idea when my nieces and nephews birthdays are but as a family the most we do is cards any way luckily. Birthdays are just not on my radar at all.

My family are pretty terrible at birthdays. We generally remember to call, but it's a miracle if the present arrives on time. We barely remember cards - we prefer presents!!

My husband's family are the opposites. Cards must be there ready before the birthday, they make a big deal of speaking to you on your birthday, but they rarely do presents at all.

He thinks my family are mad (he likes the presents though!) and I think his are..

We're all different - maybe just accept her view on birthdays and move on?

I'm totally the same as your Mum, adult birthdays just aren't really on my radar. Her email would be a huge relief to me, so i think its just down to perception. Its a shame you don't all share the same view of birthdays in your family, however, if you all love each other, its no big deal. Accepting each others quirks and differences is what being a family is all about.

Meh, I'm not fussed about birthdays either, so I can see your mums point of view. I can see it's important to you though.

But I think it's wrong of you to think that it's indicative of her not giving a shit. Have you tried talking to her about it? Maybe if she knew you found it upsetting she'd make more of an effort, maybe she just thinks you aren't bothered either.

I think you know what she's like so you need to just accept it and crack on. It is what it is and she still gets you something which is nice even if it's late. I think you just need to think, it is what it is, it isn't horrible, she's not completely ignoring you in fact this year she's thinking of you in advance. You celebrate with your family and friends what difference does it make other than an extra present at some point?

Your right in thinking as their not important to her she doesn't see how they are important to others.

Buy her a calendar for her birthday and pre-populate it with everyone's birthdays in (you can even put in reminders about sending cards/buying presents if you want!)

I think if she has form for this then YABU to expect her to be different this year

My family has never bothered about birthday / Christmas gift apart from children ..?

Even me and my husband don't get each other gifts.

I think you are being over the top. Adult birthday are not on most people priority list

Forget them if u want something for your birthday buy it for yourself

On my friend's birthday her mum gets her things like money, high-end makeup, perfume, annual passes to local attractions, clothes etc. And they go out for a fancy meal or to a spa.

On my birthday my mum might see me browsing clothes and see me pick up a top and say 'do u like that one? I'll get it for you but that'll be your present for your birthday in a few weeks'.

I will admit that I used to get sad when I saw the huge effort my friend's mum went to but then I realised I was being selfish and my mum and I have a great relationship and she is generous all year round with coffees here and there and occasional lunches out. She also spoils my dc! How is your general relationship?

Nbu - my mum never remembers my birthday or my sibling's.

General relationship is fine I guess? She's a strange lady, and we wouldn't be friends if she wasn't my mum?! She can be v generous on occasion, and very tight fisted on others. She lacks empathy in every way (illustrated perfectly by this example), and can be quite self centred and hurtful at times. As an example she used to always say in front of us that she never wanted kids (which I think is true, my dad wanted them and she went along with it), without ever considering that we may be upset by that, or that other people (whoever she was speaking to) might think it an unacceptable thing to say. My sisters and I made a very concerted effort to tell her every time she said it that it was upsetting and she's mostly stopped now.

Ask for a bloody amazon voucher and give over.

Halftermdog i guess it depends how sensitive you are? My mum openly admits she never wanted children but dad and his family pressured her a lot so she had my brothers. She would move the Earth for us now though. I also now i was an accident, there was 10 years between me & my brothers. Knowing this information does not hurt me in the slightest!! I don't think it is at all unacceptable for her to openly admit these things.

*know not now

send her your bank account details and ask for some money
she'll probably be delighted
job done.

It's just a birthday, you're not 10. At least she isn't demanding on her birthdays!

I wouldn't take this personally, she's miles away and she didn't forget your birthday, she's just busy. I never remember to send people cards in advance. My dads always away on hol and i'll get a card with money in when i next see him. I only get a tad upset if i don't get a text saying happy birthday, but if he's away he might forget, no biggy.

We are having too much of a good time to think about others is a bit harsh, but sounds jokey. Just put the gift you actually want on the list. I wouldn't tell her not to bother because there's not something there on your birthday morning...

Is there any particular reason that you won't be seeing your mum until July ( I know you are hundreds of miles away.)? I'm not bothered about cards or presents on my birthday but visited my mum every 5 weeks (220 miles away.) I think that if birthdays mean so much to you your mum should make more effort but it doesn't sound as if she is likely to change.

ps if i don't tell my mum something i want for my birthday she doesn't get me anything! then a few months later will remember (or my sister will point it out) and she'll give me some money or something.

tbh i don't care. my own family (dh, kids) make a fuss of me. my mum is amazing and generous in so many other ways.

I think it's really sad not to consider it important to celebrate the birthday of someone you love just because they are an adult. I also don't think it's a question of prioritising as people's birthdays are the same day every year. It's not something that gets sprung on you. Also, saying that it's fine she doesn't care about others birthdays because she also doesn't care about her own is bizarre. She should make an effort for your birthday because you care and is free to ask not to have a fuss made of her on her birthday, not dictate whether her daughters can or can't care about celebrating.

Redpony1

She sounds like me, i am utterly rubbish at remembering birthdays, i never check my diary or calendar so useless me writing them down. i have no idea when my nieces and nephews birthdays are blush but as a family the most we do is cards any way luckily. Birthdays are just not on my radar at all.

How do you feel when people don't bother about your birthday, then? Do they treat you are you treat them?