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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To just tell DM not to bother with birthdays any more, and not bother with hers either?

92 replies

Halftermdog · 16/03/2017 09:50

NC as potentially outing.

For background, DM is in Australia on holiday. It's my birthday on Sunday (I'm a twin) and hers a week later. My sisters and I have spent lots of time recently trying to plan something for her birthday (either a lovely surprise for while she was away or something for when she gets back).

She never remembers anyone's birthday (or any key date), generally I'd get a phone call on the day to say happy birthday (probably because Facebook would remind her), and a present next time I saw her (she lives a few hours away), or she'd order something online to be delivered that would arrive late (it's not unusual that for DDs birthday she'd order something online which I'd then have to wrap etc.).

My twin sister and I got the following email this morning:

"Ok guys, you have a few hours to add something I want to buy for you from amazon onto your wish lists or else wait until we get home and I can think straight!! We are having too good a time to think much about others and a cuddly kangaroo toy is probably not very high on your lists.
I am also more than happy to put my birthday off for a couple of weeks (or years)!

Love you both loads and hope everything is ok at home.
Ma
Xxxxxx"

I think she genuinely doesn't give a shit about her own birthday which is why she's so crap at remembering anyone else's. She can be very generous so isn't mean with money, I think that birthdays are just very very low on her radar. For instance, DHs birthday is the beginning of December and it wouldn't be unusual for her to get him something fairly big off his Amazon list but he's get it at Christmas (when we'd be seeing her), rather than her bothering to sort it for his birthday.

So, I'm upset about it but also it's so depressingly predictable. I wonder whether my sisters and I need to just say to her to not bother with anyone's birthday in the future and we won't bother with hers (she's completely impossible to buy for so probably doesn't appreciate anything we take the time to get her, and I have no idea if she appreciates the time and effort, not to mention money, involved).

But then it makes me sad to say to her that it's ok to not give enough of a shit about your family to be organised enough to even send a card? How bloody hard is it?

OP posts:
user1489179512 · 16/03/2017 11:34

...as you treat...

WizardOfToss · 16/03/2017 11:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

user1489179512 · 16/03/2017 11:37

Flashinthepan

I think it's really sad not to consider it important to celebrate the birthday of someone you love just because they are an adult. I also don't think it's a question of prioritising as people's birthdays are the same day every year. It's not something that gets sprung on you. Also, saying that it's fine she doesn't care about others birthdays because she also doesn't care about her own is bizarre. She should make an effort for your birthday because you care and is free to ask not to have a fuss made of her on her birthday, not dictate whether her daughters can or can't care about celebrating.

I agree.

Bloosh · 16/03/2017 11:42

I used to feel like you OP - I think it's old pain from childhood revisited, personally. It upset me every year and then I'd feel annoyed that I was upset. I'm now 50 and my whole birthday angst has gone - think I'm finally old enough to let it go.

I would send a message saying 'no worries. Let's just leave birthday gifts this year.' And I'd spend whatever you'd have spent on your mum on your twin.

Original poster
Halftermdog · 16/03/2017 11:46

It really is about the forethought, not the bloody present! It's a week before her own birthday, even if she doesn't care about her own she knows it's coming up in a month, so that means ours is coming up in 3 weeks, so buy a card?

I've asked my sisters what they think about just telling her not to bother going forward. Just kind of feels like we're admitting defeat which feels really depressing? I've put a bag on my list, although even if she bought it now it wouldn't arrive on time, and who knows if it's something "she wants to buy me"

OP posts:
NanooCov · 16/03/2017 11:46

Yabu. If it's "predictable" then I guess she's not been overly invested in birthdays for some time so why be so upset? And the comment about something she wants to buy you - I guess that's just saying please no socks or boring shit. Which I understand. My FIL once asked for printer paper for his Christmas and I told him to bog off.
I personally think you're making too much of a big deal of birthdays.

problembottom · 16/03/2017 11:47

I think your mum sounds lovely! Probably because my family is similar. If a card arrives on time we're doing well and we will sort out a present at some point. I'm renowned for buying fabulous surprise presents but sometimes I may forget the exact date. We're all pretty casual about it.

DP's family birthdays are organised by his military-style mum - Amazon wish lists, money in each other's bank accounts, so many flipping cards, a home baked cake. DP's 40-something DSis called their mum in tears last year when he forgot to put money in her acct on time and he was forced to ring her up and apologise! All seemed a bit silly to me.

Meatbadger · 16/03/2017 11:55

I don't think YABU. The one person you'd expect to be invested in your birthday is your mum, surely? I don't expect a fuss at all but would be hurt if I didn't even get a card from mine.
I also think her wording is unnecessary: "we're having too much of a good time to think about others" - no need to say that?!
Not a lot you can do though without making a big deal about it; in your situation I would try to accept that she's not that bothered and stop making the effort for her birthday too.

picklemepopcorn · 16/03/2017 11:57

I think it partly depends on how you manage time and planning. I don't really look ahead. Last minute homework kind of girl. DH has finished all Christmas present prep by October, and I don't get a look in because he's done it before I know it's Christmas. I wake up thinking 'hell, it's so and so's birthday today!' It doesn't mean I don't care, just that I find dates hard to process. I can't remember phone numbers or pins either. Or names. Or faces...Blush I do have skills, just not those ones...

RiversrunWoodville · 16/03/2017 12:00

Zachary has a great idea with the combining for a family meal that includes you all and takes away all criteria and possible present minefields.

HardcoreLadyType · 16/03/2017 12:05

Honestly, I think you need to accept that your mother is a flawed human being, like the rest of us.

This is important to you, but not to her.

I think you need to concentrate on her good points, and forgive her for her faults, which do seem quite minor (unless this is just the tip of the iceberg, of course).

Re your DD, perhaps you could remind your mother each year a couple of weeks before the day, so that your DD gets her present on the right day. Equally, it's not a bad lesson to teach your DD that even though Grandma is very forgetful about birthdays, she's very generous once she remembers, and no one's perfect.

Original poster
Halftermdog · 16/03/2017 12:05

We're never all together apart from Christmas. She moved to somewhere a 5-6 hour drive away (as the traffic's always terrible) and I work Saturdays, so can't get there apart from school holidays.

OP posts:
Alyosha · 16/03/2017 12:09

I understand why you're upset, birthdays are a huge deal in my family even though we're all adults.

But I also think you're being a little unreasonable. Your mum isn't going to change her attitude to birthdays.

And she hasn't forgotten - she's remembered and is asking you what you want.

But if you genuinely don't want any gifts or to give any gifts then YANBU to dispense with birthdays all together if it would be less hurtful.

MiddleClassProblem · 16/03/2017 12:18

It really is about the forethought, not the bloody present!

But she's has forethought this time and this is the time you're getting upset

MiddleClassProblem · 16/03/2017 12:18

Or more upset that you've come here to let off about it

Chinnygirl · 16/03/2017 12:19

Stop expecting anything and you will be less frustrated. Believe me, I speak from experience having a dad who doesn't even remember key birthdays even when being reminded of them. It's so much easier to just not bother about this behaviour. Be thankful for what you do have.

MadMags · 16/03/2017 12:49

But she hasn't forgotten! She's just not doing it the way you think she should!

Flashinthepan · 16/03/2017 14:12

If OP's DH had said "I'm too busy having fun with my friends to think about your birthday, send me an email of what you want and I'll buy it when I get round to it" would so many people be saying the OP just wants things her own way and is BU?

kittybiscuits · 16/03/2017 14:16

I cannot imagine any situation on the planet where I would forget my children's birthdays or not celebrate them, unless I was unconscious. Mumsnet is beyond weird on this subject. I don't think you're being unreasonable OP.

Original poster
Halftermdog · 16/03/2017 18:31

Thanks all. As an update, I had a long chat with a lovely friend today and I'm feeling more rational.

She rightly said I need to stay true to who I am (i.e. that to decide not to buy my mum a birthday present isn't who I am, I want to find something nice for her as I do care and want her to feel like I've thought of her on her birthday)

So, I think I need to accept that my mum's bloody crap at this kind of thing and she's never going to change. I've added about 4 things to my Amazon list of about the right price, and accept that if any of them fill my mum's criteria of 'something she wants to buy me' then one of them will probably turn up at some point. If I can work out what that criteria is, going forward I'll make sure there's something on there in the run up to birthdays/Christmas, and not be offended if it turns up late.

The problem will arise if I fail to put stuff on there which fulfils her criteria. Will have a chat with her when she gets back from holiday about what the hell that means..?

OP posts:
SparkleSunshine201 · 16/03/2017 19:15

I didn't know adults still celebrated their birthdays. I thought they were just for children!

MiddleClassProblem · 16/03/2017 19:21

SparkleSunshine201 have you never seen a birthday balloon with a number higher than 18 on it? Confused

amberdillyduck · 16/03/2017 19:53

I don't give a dam about birthdays. With working it out I don't even know how old I am. I hate getting cards as they are a waste of money and resources - I open them (usually- sometimes I don't bother) and then straight into recycling. I don't get why people like them.

I would love not to do birthdays and tbh I really don't as I tend to forget them

Pagwatch · 16/03/2017 22:16

Bwahahaha

'I didn't know adults celebrated their birthdays"

Really? You've reached adulthood yourself without ever having an inkling that out there, just outside the cellar, people hold 21st birthday parties. Or celebrate their 30th? Or get given gifts? Those cards shops with 'happy birthday Dad' cards in - they have completed escaped you?
When you book a hotel or restaurant and the booking form asks if you are celebrating an anniversary birthday or special occasion , all completely baffling?

Astro55 · 16/03/2017 22:32

You know she'll forget you know she isn't bothered you know it will be late!!

So she does do cards and presents but it's late?

She has thought about it - and emailed and asked what you'd like -

BUT none of it meets your criteria for your birthday?

I think you need to chill out!