Not to tell my family that my unborn baby is susppected of a rare disease?

[AnaMaria88]

We have been through lots of scans and tests lately as my baby doesn't look well! We dont have a diagnosis yet as the amnio came back fine, still waiting for the MRI results, but at all scans since 20w (had 3 since then, now I m 25w) showed that the baby is not developing normal! I shared the news only with some closed friends but cant see myself telling to my mum and dad! I know this will break their hearts, they live abroad so we only speak by phone or social media! AIBU not telling them, we only wait and hope that the baby will look better in the next following weeks

I think you need to do what's best for you. Sometimes a problem shared just becomes two problems and not half a one :(

After the next scan you will hopefully get a bigger insight to what is happening? Whether the news is good or bad you'll be able to get deal with your own feelings first without the worry of how someone else is feeling. You will have time to process without having to give everyone else updates.

I hope the news you receive next week is positive.

Justanothername, I agree with you! For example, my husband decided to tell his mum, as she noticed a change in us, more in him, as I know better to pretend!
She thinks I dont know that she knows, because she thinks everything is about her and is going to be us to support her and not the other way round! It s a long story, i ll make it shorter, we live in Brighton, my in laws in London, where I had all my tests! While we went for tests I choose to stay over at my friends so I dont neex to explain them what i m doing in London on a working day! Last time we ve been there she found out and even if my husband told her that we came for the MRI and we couldnt go to them as I 'dont know' that he told her everything, she still got upset and in the end she told him that she knows the baby is just fine, like we invented the whole story! I could not believe it!!! My DH didnt talked to her for a week and now regrets conffesing to het

I'd hold off until the results, if you think you'd be supporting your DM rather than the other way round then I'd definitely wait to tell her. You have some support here already so don't make it harder for yourself at the moment. Hope everything works out

Sorry about my typing, I am after a long night shift... Thanks a lot to everyone! Is good to see others sharing my thoughts and my feelings! I am almost sure now I am doing the right thing! I am off for a nap now! Xx u all

There's no right or wrong answer to this, as everyone has their own way of dealing with stressful situations.

Some people want/need to talk about it, whereas for others it's exactly the opposite. It's perfectly understandable to not want to have to deal with everyone else's feelings and reactions right now. Maybe wait until after the test next week before making a decision as to what to say to people over the next few weeks/months? Hopefully, the results will be good and you won't need to have to tell people anything after all.

If there is going to be an issue with the baby, however, I would urge you to mention it beforehand, so people are prepared, and it doesn't take over the otherwise joyful time around the birth.

(I had a stressful medical situation with my DH last week and only told a very few people. Quite honestly, I just didn't want to have to deal with other peoples' reactions at that time, especially as there was a lot of uncertainty. Thankfully it all ended up fine, so if it does come up in conversation, I/we can give everyone the complete story).

Fingers crossed you hear good news.
If however it is not what your hoping for I would write your mum a little card or letter with a scan of the baby.
If you text she will feel she needs to give an immediate response. The letter means you can put everything you want (or don't want!) down, she can take the time to read it and can reply when she's more composed.
You can also put what your expecting from her "don't rush over / do rush over"
"We would like your support/ we need some time"

Wishing you all the very best for your results

i've been in the same situation with my older son (suspected hydrocephalus). Did not tell my parents as they live in another country, and it wasn't confirmed either. allturned out fine (he just has a reall big head(m), so i'm glad i didn't say something. nothing they could have done except to worry as well!

Fingers crossed yours turns out well!

YANBU to handle it however you feel most comfortable, but bear in mind if your friends on social media know, and social media is a big part of your comms with your parents, there is potential for your parents to see comments from your friends and find out that something might be wrong that way. You know them and your friends best and can weigh up how likely it is / if that would upset them.

You don't have to tell anyone anything until you are ready. Thinking of you and hope you get good news at your next scan.

There's no right or wrong answer here. You don't owe people any kind of explanation, and if they are likely to be unsupportive then it's only going to add to your stress.

Also people can have differing opinions on courses of action - my mum for instance has very strong views on disability, and would almost certainly have put pressure on me to terminate if I'd had any issues in my pregnancy. As such I would never have told her anything until the baby had been born.....

Your MIL however may just be in denial although she isn't exactly painting herself in a great light. But people do tend to err on the side of "of course the baby is fine," because the alternative is unthinkable to them even when it's a real possibility.

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TBH I'd probably wait until I had something concrete to tell them just so I could answer the questions that will come.

Hope you get the answers x

OP, I think you're right to wait until you're as sure as possible. Then you need to tell your parents. You don't say anything about your Dad : could you tell him first, and he tell your Mum?

Your MIL sounds complicated, and that's putting it politely!

I hope you're asleep after your long shift.

Yura, you have been im tbe same boat as we are now, ours is related to head too! I ve read so many stories when everything finished well, that I start not to trust scans anymore,that s why I rely more on the MRI scan!

My day? Oh, he s the most sensitive man alive I ever met❤ I could definetly not telling him first, either he will be next to mum when I ll tell them, either she will break the news for him!
My mum in law she may sound being in denial, but the way she doubted, shows something else, anyway, end of story about her, I have better things to focus on now!
And regarding my friends that know, well, they know this is not something we comment about on social media! And they know they are not supposed to share it!

I mean my dad (my day) still not fully awake 😊

I've been there too. My eldest was diagnosed with a congenital condition on my 20w scan. My world fell down. I had many scans from there until his birth to follow up on his development. Luckily in our case we were blessed and his condition although life-threatening was fixable with a surgery if he had conditions to go to the surgery. I focused on eating very well to make him as strong as he could possibly be when born to be able to bear his surgery. He was born very big, with 4.5kg! (proud mum moment, rs)
I couldn't hold him when he was born. He went straight to NICO. It was the most difficult days of my life. He had his surgery within one week of been born and is thank God fine since then. Never had a bad day since and has no after effects at all. He's 5 now, absolutely normal, and an amazing happy boy, and you cannot possibly tell he had such a difficult start in life. Don't lose hope, focus on your happy and healthy baby!! I wish with all my heart that all goes well for you and your little one! 💐💐💐

We had a similar experience with dd. We live in a different country to both our parents. At the 20 week scan dd's head was measuring 4 weeks behind. I was monitored carefully and given loads of scans. She is absolutely perfect and healthy 2 year old.

We chose not to tell either sets of parents. For us it was easier. Certain friends and my brother knew. I'm from a country where abortion is not available and if we'd chosen to terminate I'm not sure how we would have said it to family (still not sure what i would have done to be honest).

It was a really tough time. Please take care of each other. I'm pretty sure the stressful pregnancy contributed to my pnd. (Flowers, i can't do the picture! )

What an awful place to be. My gut feeling is that you aren't ready to share this with your Mum yet. There is no harm in waiting until you have some more concrete information. You shouldn't feel guilty about not sharing yet as you need to protect yourself.

Hope everything turns out ok.

OctopusesGarden, I wish I could talk more to you,I ve got some questions if u dont mind, but dont know how to text in private, I dont have this option on my app!

Octopuses, hope you see this! I managed to pm u! I ll be very happy to hear back from you!
Thanks everyone for your support and for sharing your story! With every happy ending story I feel that my hopes are bigger! Xx all

Hi Ana, hope my message came through! X

Tell them when you are ready. I hope things improve for you

Back with an update! Today I was back to London for the MRI results and scan! I feel it was a totally wasted day, driving from Brighton, waiting 4 hours at the hospital, been seen by different people who dont know my history, my scan was done by the nurse who normally takes my blood pressure and weight! On top of that at the end I am being told by the consultant that she is not a neurologist to explain my MRI tests so I have to go back on Tuesday to see one! They had 2 weeks to get this sorted out, why the hell they didnt arranged for a neurologist to see me today, or at least get in touch with one before to explain the results and then pass it to me? So we still have nothing! I was sure this is going to be my last trip to London as I start having severe pelvic pains and I find it very hard to drive long distances and spend a whole day without rest! 😢

I'm so sorry you've had such a rotten time, op. I hope they get their act together and sort things out. I hope you get some relief from the physical pains and a good nights sleep.

It must be so wearing for you! It is frustrating.
It's not your main concern I know, but I doubt the MRI was done by a nurse who does your bloods and weight, she may have positioned you and explained things, but I'm pretty sure there will have been a radiology technologist in the control room overseeing the procedure.

Will you have someone with you on Tuesday! I hope it is good news but I don't think you should face it alone in case it isn't. Even when we convince ourselves we accept something is a possibility, often with really bad news, it is a terrible shock because in our heart of hearts we can't imagine that really being the reality.