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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to tell my family that my unborn baby is susppected of a rare disease?

60 replies

AnaMaria88 · 16/03/2017 04:27

We have been through lots of scans and tests lately as my baby doesn't look well! We dont have a diagnosis yet as the amnio came back fine, still waiting for the MRI results, but at all scans since 20w (had 3 since then, now I m 25w) showed that the baby is not developing normal! I shared the news only with some closed friends but cant see myself telling to my mum and dad! I know this will break their hearts, they live abroad so we only speak by phone or social media! AIBU not telling them, we only wait and hope that the baby will look better in the next following weeks

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 16/03/2017 04:37

this must be so hard

I would do what is right for you but bear in mind this may change. Next week you might want them to know. And that's ok.

I wish you and your baby the best

Original poster

AnaMaria88 · 16/03/2017 04:50

We actually have another scan next week and at the same time will find out the MRI results! We try to stay positive and hope that the results are fine and then all we have to do is to wait for the birth! I m thinking to break the news to them after next week, but still dont know if I can do it if there will be bad news 😢

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PollytheDolly · 16/03/2017 04:59

Just take each day as it comes. Wishing you all well xx

blubberball · 16/03/2017 05:20

There is no right or wrong here. Each person would need to handle this in their own way. You don't have to tell anybody anything if you don't want to. Just take one day at a time. Take care.

KingIrving · 16/03/2017 05:28

I am sorry for the worry you must be going through. Having to wait for answer is so hard, so I would say you are being very sensible and kind in waiting to share the news.
When you will have more answers (which hopefully will not be too bad), you will also be able to respond to their questions.

When you know for sure, you will know what is right.

BigFatBollocks · 16/03/2017 05:44

I'm hoping for you that results come back good. X

LouKout · 16/03/2017 05:46

You're being thoughtful..but also I think your mum would want to be supporting you in this, I think.

LouKout · 16/03/2017 05:46

So don't be too scared to tell her if you need her

Original poster

AnaMaria88 · 16/03/2017 05:48

Thanks everyone for support! Like I said, we are positive,but at the same time we decided that no matter what is our baby and we can not give him up, we cried a lot when we have been told, but at the moment I can say that we are over it and just take every day as it come! And I feel that breaking the news to anyone at this point will bring back all the anxiety and the stress we ve been through in the beginning

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Justanothernameonthepage · 16/03/2017 06:06

If you are at all unsure of how they'd react or if they'll be supportive in the way you I need, then take time you need to acclimatise to the news and the MRI results first. It would be lovely if parents were always able to support/say the right thing, but that isn't always the case and if you're still a little anxious, the wrong well meaning word can cause emotional distress. Right now it's a case of focus on what you need before worrying about anyone else. I'm so glad you're able to talk to friends.

lbsjob87 · 16/03/2017 06:32

So sorry to hear this. Only you can decide whether to tell them, but just to say, we were in a similar situation around three years ago.
My initial blood tests showed high chances of one/two or maybe both serious conditions, one of which was unsurviveable. We literally got the phone call from the hospital the day after we had told everyone I was pregnant.
We eventually decided to tell the same people that we had to undergo lots of tests and scans and that we were positive but there was a reasonable chance things might not work out, so they were aware and less likely to accidentally say or do the wrong thing.
The more it went on, the more confident we felt that everything would be OK, but it wasn't until he arrived and was seen by a paediatrician that we knew for sure.
There were no problems at all and he is now a funny, gorgeous cheeky 2 year old. But the stress and worry we went through means he won't be getting any younger siblings.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Original poster

AnaMaria88 · 16/03/2017 06:50

Justanothername, I know she will be supportive but on the other hand my mum can not hide her feelings as good as I can! I dont know if I can take her tears too, I hate seeing her crying or upset, it breaks my heart and I know that now I have to focus on my pregnancy and my baby, I hope I dont sound selfish! With my first baby, pregnancy was at risk, baby healthy! She was quite reserved through my pregnancy, being worried that it might go wrong! I dont want to take her back to that, the choice for not telling her is only because I love her too much to hurt her and because she wont support me!

OP posts:

Original poster

AnaMaria88 · 16/03/2017 06:54

Lbsjob87, I am happy to hear your happy ending story, this kind of things keeps me hoping!!!

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BrownEyedLady · 16/03/2017 07:04

Can another family member tell her? That way she can compose herself before speaking with you?

Witchend · 16/03/2017 07:13

Ot really is your decision and what you want to go that matters.

In my experience of something (missing hand) being picked up on the scan I did want to tell people. Not because it was good to tell people, but because the when dd was born it became a positive time (dd born all well) as opposed to having to say "we have a dd, but you need to know she's missing a hand" when people would focus on the latter bit.
People fo use the phase "as long as they're healthy" quite a bit, and I used that as an opening to say "well, actually..."

It's entirely your choice, neither way us wrong. That's why for me it was important to tell people first.
for you and baby

Original poster

AnaMaria88 · 16/03/2017 07:14

I have told my brother, but I never thought he might tell her! I think even for him is hard to break the news to her and to be honest I want to do it, when I will be ready, because sooner or later I ll have to do it! I was thinking I could text her and then give her time, but still dont know if is a good idea

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purpleprickle · 16/03/2017 07:21

There really isn't a right or wrong answer.

For me, I would break the news before the birth, with plenty of time to process it. Rather than have everyone excited and clambering to meet the baby, and have to go through it all then in detail. It will be an overwhelming time for you and you could do without the added pressure of telling everyone the ins and outs of what the situation is.

Hope everything turns out well

highinthesky · 16/03/2017 07:23

Wait until you're ready, and remember that you can't say unsay stuff.

And put yourself first because you don't need any additional stress. The rest of the world will manage.

Original poster

AnaMaria88 · 16/03/2017 07:24

Witchend, I know what you mean, but yet, we are not sure that the baby will be born with that condition! Anyway, any news we ll have from our latest investigation will show us what to expect because till this point we have done everything we could to get a diagnosis, but at the same time I know that we will live with this stress until we see it with our eyes! I am sure that before that I will find the way to tell my family! I dont care about what other people will think, my baby will always come first and after him, my family

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Justanothernameonthepage · 16/03/2017 07:25

No that doesn't sound selfish, it sounds as though you are prioritising yourself first which is exactly what you need to do. One possible idea is if you are happy with her telling someone else, tell her that she can do any talking it out with that person but you need her to act as though it isn't a big deal in order to help. And do it in a letter if you think she might blurt out any anxiety. If your brother is willing to act as a buffer for her worries, then that might be the way to go

MrsBobDylan · 16/03/2017 07:27

I don't think there's any rush to tell her, especially as you are still waiting to hear results.

In your situation, you may feel like telling your mum makes it all painfully real and like there's no going back. I don't think she needs to know yet and as long as you have the support you feel you need, I would say that you can tell her when the moment feels right for you.

Original poster

AnaMaria88 · 16/03/2017 07:30

Deep inside I feel, I hope my baby is fine! This makes hard saying anything, why make them live the pain and the stress we live if in the end everything might be ok? Oh, is a real mess in my head 😢

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Justanothernameonthepage · 16/03/2017 07:31

And just to reassure you, you get to think and decide about the support you need and then communicate that to who you would like to emotionally support you. Your job isn't to support other people through this uncertainty and it's OK to tell people that. Some people unintentionally can make things harder by the way they behave, but please don't take that stress on.

Original poster

AnaMaria88 · 16/03/2017 07:33

MrsBobDylan thats exactly how I feel!

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youarenotkiddingme · 16/03/2017 07:45

I think your parents being abroad is important here.

Your mum will want to support you but may feel that's difficult with the distance - and I'm sure you don't want all contact to feel pressured when you are managing to stay positive ATM.

I think waiting until you know what you're dealing with and giving your parents the full picture will work out best for all involved.

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